Flowers

I have the house all to myself and for the past few days, A and I have been playing house. Despite it being a dangerous game, A and I are making the most out of the time that we have by taking advantage of every single opportunity. Earlier in the week, we met up at my house after work. A has a weekly sports thing that he blew off that evening so that we could have dinner together and spend a few hours wrapped up in each other. I opened the door to greet him and he stood there, in the snow, holding the biggest bouquet of flowers I had ever been given. Once inside, I had to separate the bouquet in three individual vases as A explained that he had always wanted to give me flowers and that now I actually had a few days to hold on to them. 

Our relationship is slowly changing. I feel A's feelings getting more intense and his love for me growing every day. He shows his love in little and big ways. He came over one morning before work because I had mentionned that my car was running low on windshield wiper fluid and had never taken care of it myself before and he showed me how to do it. He comes over with breakfast when I am not feeling well in the morning, he buys me a box of his favorite tea which he swears will replace my morning coffee when I mention that I want to cut caffeine and he buys me a bouquet of exotic flowers because he knows that seeing them on my dining room table will make me smile, morning and night. 

I know that A truly and deeply cares for me because he is still here. 

He is still here, showing me his love in a million little ways, despite finding out a week ago that I am pregnant. 

Sushi and love

My husband being away at the annual office Christmas party gave me plenty of time to play. A scheduled a "dinner meeting" and just like that, we were free to spend an evening together. I picked up the wine and A picked up the sushi. We were both giddy and excited at the thought of having dinner together. Dinner is a meal that we have never had together. We have had breakfast, lunch and snacks but dinner was always elusive and out of reach. As we sat next to each other at the kitchen island, eating, drinking and kissing, A mentionned that I hadn't stopped smiling since he got there. I was so happy simply sitting next to him, our chairs angled towards one another and feeding each other sushi. A commented that it all felt like a real date. And it really did. For starters, we were doing things in order; having dinner and then having sex. As he kissed me, A whispered in my ear: "If I don't woo you during this dinner, I may not get any". I laughed as I kissed him harder. A often tells me, as I am sitting across from him during lunch, that I am a vision. Because we spend so much time in bed, tangled up in each other having sex, we rarely take the time to look at each other the way one does during a date. During dinner, I couldn't stop looking at A. He looked so good with his gray pants, white dress shirt and snug black sweater. I was incredibly attracted to him as I tried to commit the image of him, at that moment, to memory. By the time dinner was finished, I was a little tipsy from the wine and A put his hands under my sweater, pulled me to him and said: "I want you". I kissed him and pressed my body against his. He felt warm and hard against me as we kissed as though we had never kissed before. I pulled my sweater over my head and let it fall on the kitchen floor. A moaned as he took off my bra and threw it in the dining room. He pulled me towards the bedroom as he unzipped my jeans. In no time, I stood completely naked as he remained fully dressed. A pushed me on the bed as he knelt in front of me and started kissing and licking my clit making me even wetter that I already was. I put my hands in his hair as I pulled him into me harder. I was dying to feel him inside me. I pushed him off me and asked him to take me, hard. A undid his belt and pants and in one quick motion, he pushed his hard, throbbing cock inside me. I gasped as I looked at him, still fully dressed, fucking me. He moaned as he fucked me harder and harder. I cried out with every stroke as I felt like I was losing my mind. The sensations were so intense and the feeling of being with A in such an intimate and connected way always heightens everything that I feel. I told him not to stop even as hot tears started burning my eyes. A kissed them away as he contined to fuck me until he exploded inside me.

The ground outside is covered in snow and my summer romance has turned into something.....something I have trouble describing. I know that I am in too deep, I know that this is unsustainable and I know that people will get hurt, probably A and I. Regardless, I feel this need to explore this relationship further. I want to know how things will unfold. Since the fall, I have been telling myself that I need to be with A for one more day. One more day has brought us here, so many days later.

Strong words

A:

I miss you constantly. 
I can't wait to hear your voice.
I can't wait to be with you again. 
You make me so happy. 
You are the love of my life. 

Relationships, love and monogamy

I never considered myself capable of monogamy. My life has always been a revolving door of relationships, lovers and brief encounters. A made me realize this week, in one of our conversations, that I have never been alone. Not only have I never been alone, I have never been faithful to my boyfriends, my husband or exclusive to my lovers. Until now. 

A has never considered himself monogamous either. He has always cheated on his wife and has never been exclusive to one lover. He admitted to me that he used to take pleasure in making women ''his project''. He once seduced a happily-married aquaintance who had kept herself a virgin until her wedding day, just to see if he could. Of course he could. Even during his longest affair, in which he was reasonably satisfied, there were others. Many others. There are no others now, no profile on AM and even our curiosity and willingness to experiment with a threesome and swinging has been pushed aside. Not because we are no longer curious or excited about it, but because right now, we are so completely consumed and satisfied by one another that the thought of being with someone else is no longer exciting. 

A came over yesterday in the late afternoon and we took a long bath together and shared stories of our past. Stories that we tell no one for fear of judgement. Stories of adultery, sex with strangers and emotional games that we have been known to play in the past. As he spoke, he softly brushed my skin with his fingers, leaving goosebumps over my arms. He cupped by breast and squeezed my nipple which made me gasp. When his hand reached my inner thigh, I was already dripping wet with arousal. A does that to me. Just by touching my skin, so softly, he makes me wetter than anyone has ever made me. His moans and his excitement when he realizes that my arousal has dripped down my inner thigh only excites me further. A kissed me passionately and led me to the bedroom. As he layed down on the bed, I got on top of him and kissed him hard. I sucked on his bottom lip and he moaned softly. I moved my mouth to his neck, kissing him as I moved lower. I traced kisses all along his chest until I reached his cock. I softly kissed him and licked him as he closed his eyes and let out a small sigh. A is normally a little reserved when it comes to explicitly tell me what he wants sexually except when my mouth is on his cock. When I am pleasuring him, he will grab my head and push himself deep down my throat and tell me how good it feels. He will say over and over how spoiled he is and how no one can please him as I do. I love that. I love making him moan and scream with pleasure. When we finished and A collapsed, spent, on my bed, I grabbed his hand and guided him to my wetness. I was dripping wet. I looked at him and asked him to feel how wet it made me to make him cum. He closed his eyes and played with me while saying how this was the most amazing sex he had ever had.

I always thought that I was incapable of being satisfied with one man. That was a fact that I thought to be completely true about myself. A is making me question who I am, who I have always thought I was .... Could I be monogamous with the right man?

Mischief

A:
Good morning my love :)

I hope you had a restful sleep and woke up with a smile.
I still can't believe we pulled it off last night, having supper in the same restaurant. 

I was looking at you and remembering what I had been doing to you a few hours prior ;-)
Very hot. 
You looked so amazing and I was thinking I could make a perfect mess of you ;-) 

You really were a vision last night baby. I swear you took my breath away when I first saw you. Of course, you know I find you crazy beautiful and sexy. I mean the way you had dolled yourself up. WOW. ;-)

I gotta run but I just wanted to say GOOD MORNING and I LOVE YOU LIKE MAD
Have a great day! 

Later doll face xxx

The Experiment

My husband and I had a dinner date with a couple friend of ours planned for friday evening. Our friends live in the same part of town as A and his family and as it turns out, had made reservations at this cozy little italian place very close to A's house. I know enough about A's habits and schedule to know for a fact that he takes his family out to dinner every friday night. As I got ready for the evening, I purposely glammed up a little more than I normally would for a dinner with friends. I curled my long and otherwise pin straight hair into flowy waves and pinned one side up so that it wouldn't fall on my face. I applied a little more makeup than I do normally and I wore the jeans that A loves to see on me with my prettiest and most romantic top which is all lacy at the back. 

I grabbed my husband's hand as I stepped inside the bustling restaurant. The place was packed with families, couples and groups, it was busy, noisy and as I scanned the room looking for our friends, my eyes locked with A's. He was sitting at a booth near the back and he had positioned himself so that he was facing the door. We quickly found our friends and as I was hugging them hello, I could feel A watching me. I sat down and exchanged pleasantries with our friends but my mind was focused on the fact that A was in the same room and that we were seeing one another in our ''real lives''. 

At one point, my friend and I wanted to discuss something without our husbands hearing and so we made our way to the bathroom together. As I walked past A's table, we locked eyes again for a brief moment. There were six people at his table, one of which I recognized right away as his brother because of the resemblance. Although I was curious to see his wife and wanted to know what she looked like, how she dressed and how she carried herself, I couldn't see anything but A. He looked so handsome underneath the warm lighting of the restaurant, he was smiling and making faces at the children sitting with him. As we stepped out of the ladies room, A was just entering the men's bathroom and we crossed each other in the hallway. I was laughing at something that my friend said and he didn't look at me but I know that he got up only to be close to me. Although we were in the same room, pretending not to know one another, I felt so connected to him. The situation was twisted and slightly perverse but it was also exciting. I felt like I had a naughty secret that only he knew about. 

We moved our chairs around during dinner and towards the end of the evening, I was sitting next to my friend and her husband facing the hallway that A walked down as his family and him were leaving the restaurant. Our eyes locked once more as he walked out. 

When I got home, in my inbox sat an email from A that read: ''You look positively stunning''

Lunch date

A. and I have developped a routine of sorts. I work quite far outside the city and so I spend a fair amount of time driving in the morning and in the evening. A. drops his daughter to school, most days, quite early and while we are both in transit, we like to start the day with a morning call. This early ritual has been broken recently since A's wife has been home on sick leave from work. Last night, I got bad news on the phone and I emailed A. about it since we share mostly everything about our lives with one another. This morning, I woke up without a reply and although I knew that there must have been a good reason for him not to contact me in the evening and in the early morning, it still stung a little and felt a little insensitive. I went about my day, working and keeping busy when A. texted me asking if I could call him for five seconds. I called and he said that if I was available, he was on his way and was taking me out to lunch. Now, I work quite out of the way from anywhere that A. would possibly need to be today in order to get any work done. He said that seeing my email and knowing that I was having a bad day made him really want to see me. I was so touched by the gesture and when he picked me up from work, I was giddy with excitement. Being in a different town also meant that we could go out to lunch in public without constantly being paranoid that someone we knew would catch us. We sat across from each other, talking and holding hands for a good hour and a half and it felt so normal and so wonderful. As we sat at that table, looking into each other's eyes, flirting and enjoying every minute, we started to talk about us, which is something we do quite often. 

We discussed how deep our feelings were and how they seemed to intensify with each passing day. I asked him:

Olivia:
You once said that you would never ever leave your wife for another woman. Is that statement still valid?

A:
He hesitated and looked deeply into my eyes and said: Yes....that statement is still valid. 

Olivia:
Good. I need to hear that. You know, I rely on you a lot....because you are older and wiser, I listen to what you say and feel like you must be right. Like when you say that we are perfect just as we are, that we are only this good because we are in other relationships...I hold on to that and trust that to be true and it helps me cope. 

A:
It was months ago that I said that.....

Olivia:
But it is still valid...right?

A:.......

Olivia:
If we were both separated tomorrow....would we.....

A:
I think...somehow....we would find a way....we would.....yes. 

Olivia:
Would you have babies with me?

A:
He looked down at the table and got emotional and replied: You know I would...

Passion and sex

Hey lover,

As soon as I got one second to myself I had to get this to you and let you know that having sex with you is one of the most intense, mind blowing, wonderful, special, moving experiences of my life...

I really can not convey in words the depth of what you make me feel when we are together in that way. It's useless for me to try to explain it. All I know is that it is so intense and it shakes me to my core sometimes. 

I love it. I love the way that you make me feel. I love the way that you make me completely lose my mind. I love that you make me cum harder than anyone ever has before. I love that my body responds to your touch in a way that I have never experienced with any other man. 

With you, nothing is overrated. In fact, everything is so intense and so so GOOD...

You are teaching me what passion is...

What it feels like, what it does to your body, to your mind, to your heart and what it means to be passionately in love with someone. 

I know that this will end eventually, it is the nature of these things really...

But I am grateful every single day that I now know what passionate love is. I have never had that before, you are effectively, my first ;)

xox

Olivia

Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for this year. This holiday is one of my favorites since it is a day where my family and I consciously experience and feel gratitude not only for the big things that we have been blessed with, but also for all the small daily events that add to our lives and make us happy. 

I always find that the act of consciously reflecting on all that we have rather than focusing on what we lack makes our lives so much more fulfilling. 

This year, I am thankful for love. I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life and to be able to give back that love, in different forms to those who mean so much to me. 

I may have many flaws, I may do things that are misunderstood by most people and I may have many secrets but, I have an endless capacity for love and I give that love freely, without expectations or demands, without selfishness or self-interest. I believe that people should know what makes them special to you and that by giving love, you open yourself up to receiving love back. 

Isn't that all we really want out of life? 

And I strongly believe that life is too short to leave important and powerful words unsaid. 

So today, on Thanksgiving, I am grateful to be able to love and be loved because that is what adds color to my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

xox

Love, pain, jealousy

A. and I are not jealous people. He says that he has never been a jealous man and he even goes further and says that he doesn't hold a double standard towards his wife and that if she were to have an affair, he would accept it. A. and I are able to talk openly about our spouses, our marriages and even the sex that we have at home. However, this week, A. has started to feel this twinge of jealousy and is struggling to understand his feelings. When I texted him a series of naughty messages on a night out where my husband and I both got drunk, he replied "ideally you are going to end the night in wild crazy sex, although I am wishing it was with me, is that wrong?". 

A. has been telling me lately that he feels himself falling deeper and deeper in love with me, falling so fast that it is taking him completely by surprise. This realization has placed him on the same roller coaster ride that I have been on since the summer, where one minute I will be elated and on a high from the mindblowing sex and the next, I am in tears attempting to write A. a breakup email because it is so difficult to love him this much and be married to another man. He says that I am his everything and that no one understands him like I do and that this fact alone has the power to become very dangerous for him. 

Yesterday morning, A. took his wife to the doctor's office and they found out that they had lost the baby. He had mentioned to me that she hadn't been feeling well these past few days and he spent thursday evening by her side. We had made plans to spend friday afternoon together but in the morning I called him to ask whether he should be home with her. I was speaking to A. while reversing out of a parking spot and when he nonchalantely told me that we were still on for the afternoon and that she had miscarried, I reversed into the parked car behind me. My heart went out to her, I was sad and shocked but A. seemed fine. He told me not to worry, that he knew from the start that there was a 50% chance of miscarriage and that he didn't even know how he felt about the pregnancy or about what he wanted in general and so he was ok. Although to me, it felt wrong to see A. on a day like that, I thought that perhaps that is what he needed that day. He always says that when we are together, he can feel so much love from me, which in turn, makes him happy and calms him. So despite the fact that I wanted to cancel our afternoon, I didn't. 

As soon as we closed the hotel room door, he softly pushed my back against the wall and kissed me. His hands held my face and then stroked my hair as his tongue found mine. I breathed him in, I love the smell of him which sometimes stays in my hair once we have left each other. We had mindblowing sex, by far the best sex of my life. A. makes me wet like no other man has ever done before and the orgasms that I have with him are the most intense. Everything he does turns me on to no end. With me, he is willing to try anything which arouses me even more. We do things with each other that we have never done with others before.

This chemistry and physical compatibility coupled with the love that we have for eachother often leaves us in a complete emotional mess. Last night, both A. and I got completely drunk. I was at a birthday party and he was home drinking wine and bourbon. We texted and I asked him if he was ok, if he was dealing with the sad news that he had gotten in the morning. He said: "No. This is not about that. This is about you. It's always about you. I am yours baby, all yours".

The best sex ever

Olivia:
I miss having sex with you. It's been forever baby. I can barely remember what you feel like ;) I only know that it was the best sex of my life ;)

A:
I miss your luscious lips wrapped around my hard throbbing cock as it hits the back of your throat and you attempt to take it deeper and deeper in your mouth. 

A:
Did I mention that I pleasured myself this morning in the shower to the thought of me tonguing your ass while you moaned intensely and pleasured yourself simultaneously. It was pretty hot.

Olivia:
I never ever thought that I would actually feel this way.....but I have been thinking and fantasizing almost non stop about your hard cock pumping in and out of my ass.......I love that only you have ever done that to me....I will never let anyone else ever do that to me......only you can have me in every possible way....only you can take me any way that you crave.....

A:
I can't believe you have been fantasizing about the anal sex we had. I am so turned on by that you have no idea. 
I've never wanted anyone the way I want you. 

A:
It really would be wonderful sitting on the couch with you sipping wine. I miss our conversations the most right now. Is that crazy? You are by far the best sex of my life and I am missing talking to you. What does that say?  That's right, I'm fucked ;-) 

Cutting the cord

A:
I thought I was going to lose you this week. I know that this is hard, it's an impossible situation and we are so in love with each other.

Olivia:
I keep thinking that this has to end sooner rather than later. I just can't do it. I am waiting for life to get in the way. You will have a baby, I may get pregnant and we will run out of time.

A:
You don't think we will meet on the other side.

Olivia:
I think that the distance will give me the strength to end it.

A:
The time and distance will release the hold that I have over you?

Olivia:
I hope so.

A:
Do you need my help to cut the cord.

Olivia:
No. Not yet. Don't leave me.

A:
I will never leave you.

Embarking on six months of madness

A. has been away for the last week or so on a spiritual journey of sorts. A. is not a religious man but he has been very open minded and has truly embraced the experience. During his trip, I attempted to give him some space and generally be respectful of where he was and of what he was doing and so my emails were short and demure. As a result, this has also given me space and time to piece myself back together from a previous week filled with too much emotion and too much sex with A. 

He called me yesterday and asked me if I missed him at all. In response to that phone call, I emailed him a sweet and funny email which attempted to explain how his trip was also my recovery time from too much A:

Olivia: 

When I spend too much time with you, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am so in love, I want you so badly all the time and even if I spend a whole day with you, I always want and crave more. Saturday night was so wonderful, you gave me so much.....and wednesday morning...that was probably my favorite few hours with you ever ;) 

And I saw you every day in between, and I still wanted MORE. 

As wonderful and amazing as you are, as special as what we have is to me.....it also breaks me ;)

You know why? 

Because baby, NOTHING COMPARES to YOU (yes, like that very depressing song by Sinead O'Connor)

When I think about that, knowing that I can't ever really have you and feeling like what we have can't last (for some very obvious reasons and others, not so obvious (footnote, I need to credit you for this sentence) ;) ) that breaks me and makes me infinitely sad about life. 

SO, very regularly, I need to piece myself back together until I stop feeling infinitely sad and start to feel that what we have is wonderful just the way that it is and if it were to end tomorrow, I would not only survive ;) but I would look back on things with happiness rather than sadness. 

Now having said that.....You need not worry, as soon as you will pull me to you and kiss my lips, I will melt and come undone again and have to start the process all over. But it's ok, it's worth it, really really worth it, because baby, 

NOTHING COMPARES to YOU ;))))))

I woke up this morning to this response which might be the most emotional sentence any man has ever said to me: 

A:
I am hopelessly yours.

Vacation emails

A: 4:55 AM 

Woke up with sweet thoughts of you on my mind 
You are all I think about 
Have a great day my love 

Olivia: 
I miss you.

Be safe. Let me know you landed, you know I worry about planes ;)

A: 
Baby I miss you like I've never missed you before. I imagine you at all times throughout my day and wonder what you are up to. It's Friday so I'm thinking you may be home. I can't wait to call you at some point after we land and hear that amazing voice of yours. Can't wait. 

Olivia: 
I MISS YOU A. 

Come home soon. 
I am waiting for you :)
xox

Opportunities

If I thought that the shocking pregnancy news would slow things down between A. and I, I was very wrong. It was last thursday when A. announced that his wife was pregnant and since then, we have managed to see eachother more than ever before. A's wife was going out of town on friday and although she didn't go into the office that day, A. managed to sneak out of his house in the morning to meet me in the park for a coffee under the sun. The heavy mood that was clouding our conversations on thursday had dissipated and instead, A. was playful, happy and funny. As I walked ahead of him, looking for a spot to sit down that would be discreet enough, A. kept telling me how amazing I looked in the jeans I was wearing. After we sat down and he brought his lips to mine in a deliciously slow and sensual kiss, he whispered in my ear that while watching me walk by the water's edge, he felt amazed that I was there with him and that he thought to himself: "wow I am so in love with this woman". We sat on a bench sipping coffee and laughing for a good hour and a half before he had to go take his wife to the airport. When A. drove off, I had a few errands to run in his part of town. A. wasn't even out of the airport when he called me and pleaded with me to come home with him saying that he had been so aroused all day from kissing me in the park that it was unbearable. I didn't have more than an hour but he said that he would drive back as fast as he could. Once we were alone in his house, we undressed quickly and he began kissing my neck and eagerly tracing kisses all the way to my nipples. As he took my nipple in his mouth, he moved his hand to my wetness and slowly traced circles around my clit. I moaned and pulled him on top of me on the couch. I was already dripping wet as I guided his hard cock inside me and pushed my hips towards him. He moaned loudly and whispered my name as he forcefully pumped his cock in and out of me. I begged him to fuck me hard as he got on his knees and pushed his cock deep inside me. He was sweaty as he fucked me harder than ever before. I wiped the sweat from his forehead as I softly pushed him off me and got on my knees in front of him. He guided his throbbing cock in my mouth as he moaned and said: "what a fucking feeling". I sucked and licked him until I could feel the tightening in his balls. He asked me to sit back on the couch as he stood over me and fucked my mouth. He kept telling me how excited he was as I fingered myself underneath him. Finally, he took his cock out of my mouth and exploded all over my chest and stomach. He collapsed on top of me, breathing heavy, his heart beating fast. 

After that, we weren't supposed to see each other until monday. However, friday night, when my husband told me that he was going to go visit family on saturday and told me that I didn't have to come along if I didn't want to, I decided to stay home and let A. know that I would be alone all night long. A. had an event to attend saturday night but we made plans to meet up afterwards and spend the night at a hotel near my house. He let me know how excited he was all day long and how he felt so lucky to have the opportunity to spend a whole night with me. When his car pulled up in front of my house, I hurriedly got in and he kissed me hard. He drove way too fast trying to make every second count. When we got to the hotel room, I expected him to be eager to fuck me but instead, he pulled me in a tight embrace on the bed. He put both his hands on my face and looked at me intently and whispered how happy he was that I was there with him. He said that he was so in love with me and that I was his ideal woman. He told me once more how no one else gets him the way that I do and how he was so happy and truly lucky to have found me. My heart swelled up in my chest as I kissed him deeply. As much as I loved every word that was coming from his mouth, I also wanted him to stop because it was slowly overwhelming me. That night, we made love and we fucked for hours. Finally, we dozed off holding on to each other for a while. As we were falling asleep, I told him that I don't dare think that moments like this could happen between us and he answered that he wished that this moment didn't have to end. 

He drove me home just before sunrise and once I was in bed, I texted him:

"You are going to watch the sunrise without me" to which he replied:

"It's ok, it stays on our to do list".

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday, A. and I were in our own little world, wrapped up in each other and perfectly happy. Things were light, I was trying to make him feel better about something negative that happened in his professional life and so I was playful, funny and loving towards him because I knew that that was what he needed that day. As the afternoon went by, I felt his mood shift as he slowly got back to himself. 

Today, things were heavier. I felt that A. was in denial in the face of the implications of the situation. 

A. always says that his wife is not the right woman for him. He told me that he has accepted the fact that his marriage does not fulfill his needs and that he seeks that fulfillment elsewhere. He says that his wife is like a really good friend and that he stays married to her in order to give their child a stable family unit. However, I feel that he does embrace that family unit and despite the fact that he and his wife have many differences, he has chosen this life and he stands by it. He and his wife had tried for a second child for a very long time. They had tried everything, had hoped and lost, felt happiness and grief and had finally given up. A. always tells me how much he loves children and how he always wanted to have a bigger family, how he still wants another child. He told me early on that his wife, now 40, couldn't have children anymore and that seemed to be a source of disappointment and sadness to him. Therefore, yesterday, when he told me that his wife wanted to take a pregnancy test because she was late, I was expecting him to be, at the very least, slightly excited. Instead, he went on and on about how his wife was obviously going crazy. This morning, we spoke on the phone for a good ten minutes about random silly things before I finally asked him whether she took that test. He was still in denial and far from thrilled when he told me that the test was positive. Later this morning, he texted me and asked me to call him and that is when he told me that his wife was definitely pregnant and that she had gone to her doctor to be certain. 

I was admittedly quite shocked but told him that I was happy for him since I thought that a second baby was something he had wanted very badly. He told me that he had mixed feelings about the situation and that hearing the emotion in my voice when he told me the news worried him. He said that he didn't want anything to change between us and that he was madly and completely in love with me. He told me twice that he felt the urge to run to me. I told him, in a lighthearted way, that running to me was not the appropriate response to finding out that your wife is pregnant. When I told him that having a second child with his wife would mean that he would probably be with her forever, he asked me why that mattered to me. I said that I liked the idea of us running away together, that the stories that he weaves about us when we are holding each other in the dark make my heart melt. He answered that he always tells himself that he and I are perfect as we are, that we are only this good because we are both in other relationship. I whispered in the phone that he was probably right about that. His voice grew sad when he answered: 

"I don't know if I am right but it makes me feel better to think that. Because this love feels more real than anything that I have ever felt in my life". 

Shocking news

My lover's wife is pregnant.
.....

Making up for friday

I arranged to leave work early and meet him at our regular hotel in the late afternoon. I called him as I walked across the lobby and his low, raspy, sexy voice made me smile. He told me the room number as I got on the elevator already wet in anticipation. I knocked on the door and he opened it for me looking so sexy in his suit with no tie. My heart swelled up at the sight of him and I wrapped my arms around his neck as soon as he had closed the door. He pulled me closer to him and softly kissed my lips as I breathed in the scent of him. He stood with his back against the door while I kissed him with more urgency, not wanting to let one second go by without making it count. He moved his hands to my hair as his tongue played with mine and I could feel him grow hard against me. He pulled my face up softly so that I could look into his eyes and he told me that he didn't want to explore the dominant/submissive realm that we had been discussing and fantasizing about lately. He said that for today, he wanted to push that aside and simply make love to me. I smiled and told him that I was feeling the same way. He kissed me hard and walked me towards the bed. We undressed quickly and he layed me down on the bed while slowly placing his body over mine. He never broke our kiss as his hands started exploring every curve of my body. I got wetter with every touch of his fingertips and when his hand reached my inner thighs, I sighed with pleasure against his mouth. He slowly traced his finger over my wetness, feeling it and moaning through our kiss. Seeing how wet I was drove him wild with desire and he started deliciously pumping his finger in and out of me. I moaned louder when he replaced his finger with his hard cock and started moving slowly. I could feel the intensity of his feelings for me as he held me so close to him, moving his hands to my face and pressing his lips to mine. As he started moving in and out of me faster and harder, he pulled my arm over my head and held my hand firmly in his. He looked at me with a mix of lust, desire and love as I moaned louder with every stroke. He moved faster, fucking me harder as I breathed heavy and begged him not to stop. I felt his body grow tense and his breathing erratic as he grunted loudly, pulled out of me and came all over my stomach and breasts. He collapsed on top of me breathing hard and kissing my neck. We stayed this way, quietly, listening to the sound of our heavy breathing and our hearts beating, holding each other. 

After we showered, A. and I cuddled in bed together, holding each other tightly, talking. He told me that he thought that I would perhaps pull back a little following friday's events. He said that he was glad that I didn't. Then, he told me that he loved every single thing about me while I admitted to never having loved anyone this way before. 

Summer has turned to fall and I am still losing my mind over A. 

When you believe what you want to believe

I have thankfully recovered from friday's incident and the dust seems to have settled at home. Granted, my weekend was rocky, my husband was terribly upset with me and I felt physically ill from the thought of him finding out what I was up to. I have never come so close to being discovered before. However, I truly believe that people believe what they want to believe and in this case, my husband wanted to believe that I was a faithful wife who told a white lie in order to avoid an argument. 

The whole event made me think about the importance of trust in the primary relationship as a key to a successful secret affair. When my husband caught me in a lie (which has never happened before), I got extremely worried that that trust would be compromised and that he would start inquiring into certain areas of my life that I would prefer he not be subjected to. For example, although I am generally good at keeping my affairs hidden, there are a few clues that, if he were really looking hard, my husband could find. A. and I text and talk on the phone. Every day. Those will show up in my phone records. I get them online and in the ten years that my husband and I have been together, he has never once asked to look at them. That might change if he were to become suspicious of me having an affair. 

Then there is the odd charge on my debit card. I once went for frozen yogurt with A. and had run out of cash and so charged it to debit. It is a private account, not shared with my husband for which I also get the statements online. There might be a few other charges of the sorts, nothing major and definitely no hotel transactions but still, if he were looking really hard, he would find something to catch me with.

Because my husband trusts me completely, he doesn't question my whereabouts, my working late a few nights a week, my two hour gym sessions on fridays, my bank statements or my phone records.

Since friday, A. and I have decided to be more careful and not let our desire to see one another get stronger than our desire to keep the peace in our respective homes. I will no longer take any silly risks and set the stage well in advance to cover my indiscretions. I will increase the frequency of my gym visits, of late nights at work, of after work shopping trips.... As Ryan so wisely told me (words that I have been pondering all weekend),  I will have to get caught not cheating in order to get away with cheating. 

Ashley Madison: swinging? threesomes?

Since A's confession about wanting to explore the possibility of a threesome, we have created a profile that is ours on AM (!).
Yes, we now share the access codes to a female seeking females profile where we posted pics of ourselves as a couple...
I have no idea how this will unfold or if this will even materialize into anything worthy of blogging ;)
This is unchartered territory for me.
Let's see what happens!