Sexual soulmates

A:

Thank you for being so wonderful.

Olivia:

Thank you for being my sexual soulmate ;)

A:

Thank you for finding me ;)

Olivia:

I will forever be glad to have met you :))))

A:

Me too baby. Me too <3

Delusions of grandeur?

Honestly, am I completely deluded in thinking that I should experience this with A.?
Should I just channel my energy in my marriage with the occasional meaningless tryst?

Getting all worked up over frozen yogurt

A. and I both love these self-serve frozen yogurt stores which have opened up all over the city. One was located right next door to where I spent a month this summer, very close by to A.'s neighborhood and it quickly became one of our meeting places. A. and I haven't seen one another in almost a week. Today, a window of time opened and we met, halfway between my house and his, for frozen yogurt. We sat across from each other in the empty store, sharing one bowl and sharing a private moment. We were both wearing our wedding rings and I wondered whether people looking at us thought we were married to each other. We were both angled towards one another over the table, holding hands and looking deeply into each other's eyes and so A. answered that there was no way that anyone thought we were a married couple. We were way too into each other to be married. I laughed but thought that that was sad. 

Last night, a strange but all too familiar thing happened to me and I emailed A. about it because I was distraught. Here is what I sent him: 


My husband was in a mood tonight... So I had to ... You know...But baby... I am so messed up over you!Not only did I not enjoy myself.... But I couldn't get you off my mind.... And I couldn't get wet properly... And I wanted you so much... And I was trying to want him.... But it was like my body wanted to be faithful to you :(((((((( I could cry right now... 

I could not believe I was back there after promising myself I would never let that happen again. Six years ago, I was completely consumed in K. to the point where being with my husband was painful to me. I felt guilt and sadness and longing for K which I could not put aside. As A. would say, I was not able to manage my emotions. I felt exactly the same last night. 

A. only got that email this morning and he told me that at the exact same time last night, he was in the midst of writing me an email about how perfect he thinks we are together. He got interrupted midway and accidentally deleted the message but today, over yogurt, he told me what he meant to say last night. He was looking at me, in this intense way that he has, in this way that makes me feel how much he cares, and told me that this affair is exactly what he always wanted. He said that he was never fulfilled with other lovers before me and that he was always looking for more. He said that we were perfect because we wanted exactly the same thing, that our feelings for one another, despite being really intense, were completely mutual. He said that he loved the fact that we can trust each other completely without even thinking twice about it and that we can tell one another everything. He said that he loves that I often tell him that I will do anything he asks or wants sexually and that nothing is ever off the table when it comes to us. He said that he wouldn't change anything about us and that I should not interpret that to mean that he discounts what we have but rather, that we are simply perfect exactly as we are right now. With me, he doesn't want or need to get back on AM and meet others. He said that attempting to replace me would be frustrating and depressing since there is no way that he would find someone who pleases him and fulfills him, emotionally and physically, as much as I have. He said that he would never break up with me and that if I were to break up with him, he is confident that he would be able to convince me to come back to him. 

I feel like I am carrying on two relationships at once, which is exactly what I did not want to do when I set out on my adulterous adventures. I wanted simplicity, sex and excitement but none of the negative feelings associated with a drawn out emotional affair. I had been there before and it broke my heart.

A. asked me today if my feelings last night were making me consider toning things down between us. I looked at him for a moment before I looked down at the table and said that although this was often hard to deal with, although things were sometimes so intense that I had trouble managing everything, I didn't want to miss out on what I was feeling and experiencing with him. I said that I questioned whether I had ever felt this way for someone before and that I was curious to see how things would unfold, how I would feel in the future and how things would fall into place. He asked me if I wanted to cut him from my life. I looked up at him, smiled and said that even if I wanted to, I would never be able to. 

I watched this documentary last nigh and a well-known celebrity was discussing her relationship with her husband and she said this: ''It is every woman's dream...to feel this way about someone''. That is what I feel about A. 

I just always wish that I felt this way in my marriage....

Not in my affair. 

The elusiveness of orgasms

I have always had difficulty letting go during sex. My brain simply won't shut down, I often feel shy about my own pleasure and am overall much more comfortable giving than receiving. Therefore, I am not someone who can reach orgasm easily. I have always been fascinated with women who can reach orgasm, over and over, within the same encounter. I am envious of my favourite sex bloggers when they write about how their orgasms come in waves under their lover's touch, tongue and manhood. I, on the other hand, always tell lovers, at the onset of a potential affair, that I am unable to orgasm with strangers. This is neither a lie or a challenge that I extend to men. I am completely unable to orgasm with someone that I do not know somewhat well. This makes me feel like a puzzle to be played with and figured out. Only my husband can bring me to orgasm every single time we are together. The combination of deep trust, a decade of knowing each other and the accompanying level of comfort I feel with him are probably facilitating factors. 

This does not mean that I don't get satisfaction from my adulterous encounters because I definitely do. I get excited, wet and sometimes extremely aroused but most of the time, these feelings still don't lead to orgasm. J., with whom I had some of the best sexual encounters of my life, has brought me to orgasm only once. Because I met J. early on in my adulterous adventures, I was not as honest with him as I have been with the ones who have followed after him. I admit that I have faked a few orgasms in order to make him feel better about having so many orgasms of his own. 

Part of why I cheat is curiosity. I want to learn to let go with someone other than my husband. The openness and warmth that I found in A. made me feel as though I could explore my sexuality in all honesty with him. Therefore, I promised myself that I would be completely truthful with A. I told him about the elusiveness of my orgasms and he promised to never get discouraged and give up on me. I made him understand that despite my inability to orgasm, he was still bringing me more pleasure than anyone had ever done before. I am spilling many secrets in this post but despite A.'s relentless efforts, despite him using his tongue on my entire body, despite him making me wetter than anyone before and keeping me wet for hours and despite the purchase of a tiny vibrating toy, I still wasn't able to reach orgasm. 

Until this week :)

A. had run his tongue over my entire body before spending his time circling and licking my clit. He expertly combined his tongue and fingers on me effectively making me completely wet. After  what seemed like forever, I asked him to get inside me. Pleasuring me had him rock hard and he slid inside me effortlessly. He moved slowly in and out of me. He grabbed the tiny vibrator and held it softly against my clit while continuing to move inside me. I took it from him and teased myself with it until I felt my orgasm swell up inside me. I moaned louder and my whole body tensed up. I moved my hips to meet his strokes while holding the vibrator firmly against my clit until I finally climaxed. I was so surprised that I started to laugh. A. was both shocked and elated that we had finally broken the barrier to my elusive orgasm. 

We met again today and for the first time ever, I had two orgasms while he had only one. 

This man is officially rocking my world. 

Love songs

A. and I got into the habit of sending each other songs as a means of expressing how we feel about one another at a moment in time. Looking back at old emails, I can see the progression of our affair through these songs.

At the beginning of the summer, I was biking around downtown Montreal listening to a playlist on Songza when this song came on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPuqA94-qCo

It was a hot and sunny summer day and I was having a particularly good day. As I listened to the lyrics, I felt that, at that moment, this song told A. everything he needed to know. I was beginning to open up to him and let him in. He was slowly making me melt in this way that still surprises me.

One evening, after we had spent several hours at a hotel room completely entangled in each other, making a physical and emotional mess of one another, I sent him a long email with this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFw_zf731mM

At this point, I knew that I was in love with him but was still wondering if he felt as much as I did.

When A. made me sick, we had a long phone conversation where he was trying to cheer me up and make me laugh. He asked me to grab my laptop and look for this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YehXWZHvQeo

He told me that he heard it in his car one night and was singing it at the top if his lungs with a silly smile on his face, thinking of me. I spent the next week listening to it several times a day with the biggest grin on my face.

We have effectively created our very own playlist.

Sex with A.

I always thought that sex was overrated. The main reason why I engage in these affairs with men isn't the sex. I like everything that comes before sex. I like the thrill of discovering someone new. I like the flirty and witty banter. I love the sexy emails back and forth and the nervousness that accompanies that first meeting. I love the way people give the best of themselves at the onset of a new relationship. I love that first kiss, the infatuation and the lust. 

The sex is simply a part of the whole experience but not my main focus. I derive pleasure from pleasing, from seducing and from being seduced much more than from sex itself. 

I also have always found sex with strangers to be much hotter than sex in a committed relationship. I always found it difficult to connect during sex and so have always preferred sex to be physical, primal and intense rather than ''making love''. In fact, my husband often complains that we never make love. He says that we fuck but that we don't make love to one another. 

A. has altered everything I have ever known. Yesterday, he told me that when we have sex, he allows himself to feel the extent of his feelings for me. No one has ever made love to me the way that A. does. I truly believe that I have never made love before. I feel so much when he is holding me close and moving inside me. I feel his passion and his desire. I feel loved. After sex yesterday, A. held me close, still inside me and I had to turn my head away because hot tears were burning my eyes. I had never felt this way before. I was completely overwhelmed by my emotions, by him and by his intensity. I softly pushed him off me and whispered that it was too much. 

I sent him this email last night in an attempt to explain to him the depth of what he makes me feel:

"Today was perfect in every way. 

Baby, when you make love to me, it is like nothing that I have ever experienced before... With anyone. It sounds crazy but even with my husband....I don't know how to explain this.... Let me say this, I have had sex before....I have had crazy naughty sex before....I have had, what I thought was intense mind blowing sex before..... But I have never made love with anyone the way you and I make love to each other. Never. Not even close. I didn't think I would ever feel anything close to what I feel when I am with you. I have no words... You saw it today, sometimes I feel so much... It feels like way too much and my heart is beating out of my chest. I love the way that you make me feel. I feel so blessed that I get to feel this way at least once in my life... I would never ever want to go back to not knowing what this feels like. "

I truly would never want to go back to not knowing what this feels like. 

Loving A. is something that I never wanted, never planned, never expected and yet, it is the most beautiful and special thing to happen to me in the longest time. 

I love you

Olivia:
You know, when we first met and I realized how intense this thing was, I told myself that I would make it a summer fling. I thought I would end it when I went back to work and it would remain a summer love story. And now, here we are, at the end and I will never break up with you. I can't break up with you. I like you way too much.

A:
I love you.

Olivia:
 ......

A:
You know I do...

Olivia:
Say it again.

A:
I love you Olivia.

Emotional highs and lows

I consider myself to be fairly level-headed and capable of managing my emotions well. This ability to compartmentalize is probably the quality that allows me to remain sane while living this double life. Without keeping my lives separate, things would simply get messy. My ever deepening feelings for A. have begun to undermine my capacity for compartmentalism. On days when we don't see each other, A. and I usually keep in touch with a call or texts throughout our day. Even on busy days, I will text him in the morning and wish him an amazing day and we will text once more at night saying how much we miss one another in the evenings. I have come to expect this regular communication with A. I used to say that expectations are the worst things to have in an affair because one will without a doubt be disappointed. Disappointed I was yesterday when A. didn't text me all day. We had a day planned for today and he knows how annoyed I get at making plans last minute and still, radio silence all day long. Eventually, I texted him asking him how his day was and got a brief reply and then nothing. I got extremely annoyed and in the evening, I asked him to tell me if and at what time we could meet today so that I could plan my day. I have a life and it annoys me when A. just assumes that he can tell me in the morning to be somewhere and that that won't be a problem for me. 

I know that these things are small and silly. I also know that if A. were like my other lovers, these things wouldn't bother me at all. Because I am so emotionally involved in this affair, I constantly feel like I am on a series of highs and lows. This roller coaster of emotions is too much for me to handle. I have a husband, a career and a family who all demand so much of my energy and I feel spent because of how much of that energy I am giving to my relationship with A. 

I am meeting A. in two hours. I am sure he senses this shift in my mood. I don't want to be one of those mistresses who play mind games... I do not want to trouble him with how emotionally draining our relationship is to me.... But I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. I need calm and peace in my life (although I know that calm and peace bore me quite quickly!). 

I feel like I am losing my mind. This is the trend in my relationship with A. Why does it feel so complicated? Is it worth it? What am I truly getting out of this? 

Falling really really really hard

For the last few weeks, I have been on vacation from work and have been visiting family in the part of town where A. lives. This has made it really convenient for us to see each other randomly without having to put so much thought into planning an encounter. Yesterday, A. was on his way back home from a work meeting and I texted him that I missed him and that I needed to see him soon. He replied: "How about right now"?. We met and went for a car ride. I didn't have much time but A. and I always say that we would take seeing one another for five minutes over nothing at all. As we were sitting in the car, kissing and talking, A. pulled me to him and said: I am so attracted to you. I told him that that wasn't a bad thing since this ridiculous chemistry (which he called explosive) is mutually felt. He said that he was way too crazy about me. Then, he rested his head against the seat with that pondering and almost sad look he gets sometimes and said that he was beginning to crack. I asked him what he meant by that and he replied: "I am falling really really really hard". He said that he didn't want to lose me from his life. 

I told him that I felt the same way and that I didn't want to fight it anymore. He had told me once to embrace the feelings, that that is easier than fighting them. I reminded him of that. He said that he usually is very good at managing his emotions but that he is unable to with me. He told me that I had stirred feelings in him like no other woman ever has.

We kissed and hugged and eventually, I held his face in my hands and told him that I didn't know what would be so wrong about us loving each other. We already have sex and cheat on our spouses..... What we are doing is already wrong. 

I have been dying to tell A. how I truly feel. However, I am so afraid of saying those words to him. I want him to tell me first. I know we both feel it....

A sex day and a sick day

Two days ago, A. and I spent the whole day together, naked. It had been a while since we were able to sneak away for more than two hours but I had told him that I could get away that morning if he could. He cleared his work schedule and we escaped in our own little world. We hadn't been able to see much of each other since he returned from his holiday and the anticipation had been building between us. We had sent dirty emails back and forth during the weekend. He was home sick much of the weekend with a stomach flu that gave him much time to fantasize and elaborate on those fantasies via email. As soon as we were alone, A. pulled me close and kissed me hard. We undressed each other with urgency, our lips never parting. He picked me up and pushed my back against the wall. In one quick and forceful stroke, he entered me and I was already dripping wet for him. My body always responds to him unlike anything I have ever experienced before. We often joke that we have ruined one another for all others. He says that I have cursed him since I am hindering his ability to enjoy sex with others, including his wife. 

A. eventually put me down and turned me around. He pulled my hair softly as he whispered in my ear how much he loves fucking me. He fucked me from behind, hard and fast. He slowed down only to let me know that he wanted to finish in my mouth. 

After he came, A. put some music on and we laid down together kissing and enjoying being in the presence of one another. We cuddled as he positioned himself behind me and started slowly making love to me. I turned my face toward his and we kissed. As he kissed me so passionnately, he stroked my face and my hair. This was a perfect moment. Something to commit to memory and look back upon when you are old and gray. In that moment, nothing mattered and I was completely consumed by my feelings for A. This is what happens to me, time and time again with A. I get lost in him. I get lost in us. 

At one point, he looked into my eyes and said that he was so crazy about me. 

I smiled and laughed a little and asked: ''Do you know how I feel about you? I'll never say but can you feel it?''

He shook his head nonchalantly and just smiled. I laughed and he asked me why I would never say how I truly feel. I said that I wanted him to tell me first. He said that that was fair enough and he kissed me. 

I had a getaway planned with my husband the next day. We had booked a hotel room and were going to go for an amazing dinner in an attempt to spend quality time together and have some fun. Everything was going according to plan. We were having champagne in the hotel lobby in the afternoon and things were getting a little sexy between my husband and I. As we were about to go to the room, I suddenly felt nauseous. What was to be a sexy getaway turned into complete mess. I guess A. had given me his stomach flu and I spent all afternoon and evening in bed unable to keep any food down. My husband got our amazing 5-course dinner sent up to our hotel room and proceeded to have dinner all by himself while I nauseously nibbled on bread. No sex was to be had that day. 

I called A. this morning to curse him for giving me his death sickness and effectively ruining my dirty sex date with my husband. He felt truly awful but said that the universe was telling me that I should only be having dirty sex with him ;)