Vacation emails

A: 4:55 AM 

Woke up with sweet thoughts of you on my mind 
You are all I think about 
Have a great day my love 

Olivia: 
I miss you.

Be safe. Let me know you landed, you know I worry about planes ;)

A: 
Baby I miss you like I've never missed you before. I imagine you at all times throughout my day and wonder what you are up to. It's Friday so I'm thinking you may be home. I can't wait to call you at some point after we land and hear that amazing voice of yours. Can't wait. 

Olivia: 
I MISS YOU A. 

Come home soon. 
I am waiting for you :)
xox

Guilt and I

I haven't yet decided whether this makes me a bad person or not but I rarely feel guilty for doing the things that I do. Yes, I am a cheater. Yes, I cheat with married men. Yes, I have fallen in love with a woman's husband. I work with young adults and I often tell them that what you do, the actions that you take, those don't define who you are. I use that when they come to me with a mistake that they have made or something they feel guilty about. By that logic, I shouldn't define myself as a "bad" or "evil" person because of my adulterous secrets. 

Usually, this rationalization works really well and the guilt rarely lasts. 

However, I have been having more difficulty rationalizing with myself that what I am doing with A. isn't wrong. A. is going out of town for a few days which is a break that I will use as a mental health pause. A's wife is pregnant. They are having a child. This should be a happy and special time for them as a couple and as a family. I feel guilty. For the first time. I feel badly for her. A. always tells me that I shouldn't feel guilty because if he were not doing this with me, he would be doing it with someone else and who knows what kind of person that woman would be like. When I told him yesterday that it feels as though we are unable to control and refrain ourselves, he cut me off and said: "It's not about that anymore. You know what this is. It is so much more". 

A. has always been a cheater. I haven't figured out whether that is because he married the wrong woman or whether monogamy is simply not possible for him. He cheated before getting married, told himself that he would get a divorce two months in his marriage, had an affair, was about to leave his wife when she announced that she was pregnant, continued the affair, confessed and lost both his wife and lover, eventually got back in his marriage and continued having serial affairs. It is so difficult for me to reconcile what A. does (which sounds terrible when he tells me  about his life and even more terrible having written it out) with who A. is. Or at least, with who A. is to me. 

He is the most passionate, kind, loving, open man I have ever loved. He is a wonderful friend, father and lover to me. But he is an awful husband. 

A. doesn't feel guilt. He feels that he married too young, that he shouldn't have married at all and that his wife is a terrible match for him. Yet, he stays. Despite getting married over a decade ago and thinking the marriage to be temporary, there he is, still with her. Despite knowing her husband and part of his history, she prefers to keep the marriage together as well. 

Should we live unhappily in order not to hurt the ones around us? 

Are we inherently bad if we act a little selfish sometimes in order not to miss out on experiences such as love and passion? 

Opportunities

If I thought that the shocking pregnancy news would slow things down between A. and I, I was very wrong. It was last thursday when A. announced that his wife was pregnant and since then, we have managed to see eachother more than ever before. A's wife was going out of town on friday and although she didn't go into the office that day, A. managed to sneak out of his house in the morning to meet me in the park for a coffee under the sun. The heavy mood that was clouding our conversations on thursday had dissipated and instead, A. was playful, happy and funny. As I walked ahead of him, looking for a spot to sit down that would be discreet enough, A. kept telling me how amazing I looked in the jeans I was wearing. After we sat down and he brought his lips to mine in a deliciously slow and sensual kiss, he whispered in my ear that while watching me walk by the water's edge, he felt amazed that I was there with him and that he thought to himself: "wow I am so in love with this woman". We sat on a bench sipping coffee and laughing for a good hour and a half before he had to go take his wife to the airport. When A. drove off, I had a few errands to run in his part of town. A. wasn't even out of the airport when he called me and pleaded with me to come home with him saying that he had been so aroused all day from kissing me in the park that it was unbearable. I didn't have more than an hour but he said that he would drive back as fast as he could. Once we were alone in his house, we undressed quickly and he began kissing my neck and eagerly tracing kisses all the way to my nipples. As he took my nipple in his mouth, he moved his hand to my wetness and slowly traced circles around my clit. I moaned and pulled him on top of me on the couch. I was already dripping wet as I guided his hard cock inside me and pushed my hips towards him. He moaned loudly and whispered my name as he forcefully pumped his cock in and out of me. I begged him to fuck me hard as he got on his knees and pushed his cock deep inside me. He was sweaty as he fucked me harder than ever before. I wiped the sweat from his forehead as I softly pushed him off me and got on my knees in front of him. He guided his throbbing cock in my mouth as he moaned and said: "what a fucking feeling". I sucked and licked him until I could feel the tightening in his balls. He asked me to sit back on the couch as he stood over me and fucked my mouth. He kept telling me how excited he was as I fingered myself underneath him. Finally, he took his cock out of my mouth and exploded all over my chest and stomach. He collapsed on top of me, breathing heavy, his heart beating fast. 

After that, we weren't supposed to see each other until monday. However, friday night, when my husband told me that he was going to go visit family on saturday and told me that I didn't have to come along if I didn't want to, I decided to stay home and let A. know that I would be alone all night long. A. had an event to attend saturday night but we made plans to meet up afterwards and spend the night at a hotel near my house. He let me know how excited he was all day long and how he felt so lucky to have the opportunity to spend a whole night with me. When his car pulled up in front of my house, I hurriedly got in and he kissed me hard. He drove way too fast trying to make every second count. When we got to the hotel room, I expected him to be eager to fuck me but instead, he pulled me in a tight embrace on the bed. He put both his hands on my face and looked at me intently and whispered how happy he was that I was there with him. He said that he was so in love with me and that I was his ideal woman. He told me once more how no one else gets him the way that I do and how he was so happy and truly lucky to have found me. My heart swelled up in my chest as I kissed him deeply. As much as I loved every word that was coming from his mouth, I also wanted him to stop because it was slowly overwhelming me. That night, we made love and we fucked for hours. Finally, we dozed off holding on to each other for a while. As we were falling asleep, I told him that I don't dare think that moments like this could happen between us and he answered that he wished that this moment didn't have to end. 

He drove me home just before sunrise and once I was in bed, I texted him:

"You are going to watch the sunrise without me" to which he replied:

"It's ok, it stays on our to do list".

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday, A. and I were in our own little world, wrapped up in each other and perfectly happy. Things were light, I was trying to make him feel better about something negative that happened in his professional life and so I was playful, funny and loving towards him because I knew that that was what he needed that day. As the afternoon went by, I felt his mood shift as he slowly got back to himself. 

Today, things were heavier. I felt that A. was in denial in the face of the implications of the situation. 

A. always says that his wife is not the right woman for him. He told me that he has accepted the fact that his marriage does not fulfill his needs and that he seeks that fulfillment elsewhere. He says that his wife is like a really good friend and that he stays married to her in order to give their child a stable family unit. However, I feel that he does embrace that family unit and despite the fact that he and his wife have many differences, he has chosen this life and he stands by it. He and his wife had tried for a second child for a very long time. They had tried everything, had hoped and lost, felt happiness and grief and had finally given up. A. always tells me how much he loves children and how he always wanted to have a bigger family, how he still wants another child. He told me early on that his wife, now 40, couldn't have children anymore and that seemed to be a source of disappointment and sadness to him. Therefore, yesterday, when he told me that his wife wanted to take a pregnancy test because she was late, I was expecting him to be, at the very least, slightly excited. Instead, he went on and on about how his wife was obviously going crazy. This morning, we spoke on the phone for a good ten minutes about random silly things before I finally asked him whether she took that test. He was still in denial and far from thrilled when he told me that the test was positive. Later this morning, he texted me and asked me to call him and that is when he told me that his wife was definitely pregnant and that she had gone to her doctor to be certain. 

I was admittedly quite shocked but told him that I was happy for him since I thought that a second baby was something he had wanted very badly. He told me that he had mixed feelings about the situation and that hearing the emotion in my voice when he told me the news worried him. He said that he didn't want anything to change between us and that he was madly and completely in love with me. He told me twice that he felt the urge to run to me. I told him, in a lighthearted way, that running to me was not the appropriate response to finding out that your wife is pregnant. When I told him that having a second child with his wife would mean that he would probably be with her forever, he asked me why that mattered to me. I said that I liked the idea of us running away together, that the stories that he weaves about us when we are holding each other in the dark make my heart melt. He answered that he always tells himself that he and I are perfect as we are, that we are only this good because we are both in other relationship. I whispered in the phone that he was probably right about that. His voice grew sad when he answered: 

"I don't know if I am right but it makes me feel better to think that. Because this love feels more real than anything that I have ever felt in my life". 

Shocking news

My lover's wife is pregnant.
.....

Making up for friday

I arranged to leave work early and meet him at our regular hotel in the late afternoon. I called him as I walked across the lobby and his low, raspy, sexy voice made me smile. He told me the room number as I got on the elevator already wet in anticipation. I knocked on the door and he opened it for me looking so sexy in his suit with no tie. My heart swelled up at the sight of him and I wrapped my arms around his neck as soon as he had closed the door. He pulled me closer to him and softly kissed my lips as I breathed in the scent of him. He stood with his back against the door while I kissed him with more urgency, not wanting to let one second go by without making it count. He moved his hands to my hair as his tongue played with mine and I could feel him grow hard against me. He pulled my face up softly so that I could look into his eyes and he told me that he didn't want to explore the dominant/submissive realm that we had been discussing and fantasizing about lately. He said that for today, he wanted to push that aside and simply make love to me. I smiled and told him that I was feeling the same way. He kissed me hard and walked me towards the bed. We undressed quickly and he layed me down on the bed while slowly placing his body over mine. He never broke our kiss as his hands started exploring every curve of my body. I got wetter with every touch of his fingertips and when his hand reached my inner thighs, I sighed with pleasure against his mouth. He slowly traced his finger over my wetness, feeling it and moaning through our kiss. Seeing how wet I was drove him wild with desire and he started deliciously pumping his finger in and out of me. I moaned louder when he replaced his finger with his hard cock and started moving slowly. I could feel the intensity of his feelings for me as he held me so close to him, moving his hands to my face and pressing his lips to mine. As he started moving in and out of me faster and harder, he pulled my arm over my head and held my hand firmly in his. He looked at me with a mix of lust, desire and love as I moaned louder with every stroke. He moved faster, fucking me harder as I breathed heavy and begged him not to stop. I felt his body grow tense and his breathing erratic as he grunted loudly, pulled out of me and came all over my stomach and breasts. He collapsed on top of me breathing hard and kissing my neck. We stayed this way, quietly, listening to the sound of our heavy breathing and our hearts beating, holding each other. 

After we showered, A. and I cuddled in bed together, holding each other tightly, talking. He told me that he thought that I would perhaps pull back a little following friday's events. He said that he was glad that I didn't. Then, he told me that he loved every single thing about me while I admitted to never having loved anyone this way before. 

Summer has turned to fall and I am still losing my mind over A. 

When you believe what you want to believe

I have thankfully recovered from friday's incident and the dust seems to have settled at home. Granted, my weekend was rocky, my husband was terribly upset with me and I felt physically ill from the thought of him finding out what I was up to. I have never come so close to being discovered before. However, I truly believe that people believe what they want to believe and in this case, my husband wanted to believe that I was a faithful wife who told a white lie in order to avoid an argument. 

The whole event made me think about the importance of trust in the primary relationship as a key to a successful secret affair. When my husband caught me in a lie (which has never happened before), I got extremely worried that that trust would be compromised and that he would start inquiring into certain areas of my life that I would prefer he not be subjected to. For example, although I am generally good at keeping my affairs hidden, there are a few clues that, if he were really looking hard, my husband could find. A. and I text and talk on the phone. Every day. Those will show up in my phone records. I get them online and in the ten years that my husband and I have been together, he has never once asked to look at them. That might change if he were to become suspicious of me having an affair. 

Then there is the odd charge on my debit card. I once went for frozen yogurt with A. and had run out of cash and so charged it to debit. It is a private account, not shared with my husband for which I also get the statements online. There might be a few other charges of the sorts, nothing major and definitely no hotel transactions but still, if he were looking really hard, he would find something to catch me with.

Because my husband trusts me completely, he doesn't question my whereabouts, my working late a few nights a week, my two hour gym sessions on fridays, my bank statements or my phone records.

Since friday, A. and I have decided to be more careful and not let our desire to see one another get stronger than our desire to keep the peace in our respective homes. I will no longer take any silly risks and set the stage well in advance to cover my indiscretions. I will increase the frequency of my gym visits, of late nights at work, of after work shopping trips.... As Ryan so wisely told me (words that I have been pondering all weekend),  I will have to get caught not cheating in order to get away with cheating. 

Ashley Madison: swinging? threesomes?

Since A's confession about wanting to explore the possibility of a threesome, we have created a profile that is ours on AM (!).
Yes, we now share the access codes to a female seeking females profile where we posted pics of ourselves as a couple...
I have no idea how this will unfold or if this will even materialize into anything worthy of blogging ;)
This is unchartered territory for me.
Let's see what happens!

Don't cheat on friday the 13th

Friday is always the day that I spend with A.

Today is friday the 13th and it briefly crossed my mind this week that if I were superstitious, I would not attempt to tempt fate on a such a day and perhaps I should have a quiet day at home by myself. 

Of course, A. and I have been building anticipation all week and simply couldn't stay away from one another so my idea of a quiet day at home lasted about three seconds before I dismissed it. Yesterday, I ignored yet another sign that a day at home would be a good idea when my mother asked me to do her a small favor which actually required me to be home until noon. On a regular friday, I would leave the house in the morning and make my way to A's place. Did I let this sign deter me from my plans with A. you aks? Of course not. The plan was altered and delayed but still on. Then, even as a third sign came my way, in the form of my husband's office losing power and everyone being sent home for the afternoon, still I kept my afternoon with A. on track having thought of an appropriate alibi. 

I should always trust my instincts and never ignore the signs. Because what happened on this particular friday is that my husband called me while I was in the midst of having the most intense sex A. and I had ever had together. When A. left for a moment to grab a condom, I checked my phone and panicked that my husband might be wondering where I was. I called him and for the first time ever, he didn't believe me when I said where I was. I panicked even more (which is very unlike me but I was highly unsettled). I left A's in a hurry and made up a believable story with a friend who covered for me. 

My husband, who has never believed me capable of any wrongdoing, is now suspicious. 

And very very upset with me. 

For the first time ever, I am not in complete control of the situation. 

Coming undone

I first realized that A. would not be like other lovers fairly early on in our affair. The first time that I left an encounter with him with a heavy heart rather than a silly smile on my face, I understood that what we shared would be dangerous and that he already meant more to me than the other men in my life. That sadness that washes over me when we are parting ways, that seems to envelop me completely when I watch him walk away is laden with affection, dreams and expectations that will never materialize. Last friday was A.'s wedding anniversary. We had met for drinks earlier in the week and he had told me about his anniversary coming up. Since friday is usually our day, I told him that we should cancel our plans and that he should put his attention elsewhere. With any other lover, I would have never reconsidered that decision. However, when A. was kissing me passionately and telling me how much he had been looking forward to friday, I caved and we decided to meet albeit, not at his place but at a hotel nearby. 

That day, we had the hottest sex. A. was wilder than usual and his intensity turned me on like never before. He pulled my hair and fucked me hard and fast against the wall. We had sex twice, ordered some wine and spent a few hours together. When the afternoon was almost over, we got in the shower together and sensually soaped one another. We kissed and A. pulled me close to him under the hot water and I could feel a rush of emotions between us. That feeling of sadness took over and I whispered to him that sometimes I want all of him and not just a few stolen hours here and there. He held me closer and kissed me harder. I was struggling with the fact that we had met on that day.... Couldn't we stay away from each other for one day? He was going to leave me and go straight to dinner with his wife. I wondered how he could so easily leave me and walk right back into his life on such a meaningful day without having any negative feelings. 

Then, I unraveled. My heart grew heavier and heavier and I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't come undone every single time A. walks out of that hotel room door. The difference between A. and I is that having me in his life, makes his situation at home bearable while for me, being with him makes everything seem unbearable. I spent the weekend piecing myself back together slowly and reminding myself of who I am and of what I want out of my life. 

The outcome of that weekend, of the unraveling and the piecing back together was the decision to keep A. in my life (because who am I kidding, as though I would be able to call this off right now) but place less emphasis on the emotional side of our relationship. I want to focus on the amazing, mind blowing hot sex we are having and the fact that there are so many things we wish to explore together sexually. 

I told him about what I needed out of our relationship and about the fact that it was difficult for me to feel so much for someone other than my husband. I told him that he made everything else in my life seem colorless and that nothing seemed to compare to what I feel when I am with him. 

I asked him to pretend that our relationship was all about sex, that it was simple and easy and to stop talking about running away together and waking up together and going on holiday together.

It is because he makes me feel special and important that this messes with my head. He makes me feel like I am the only woman that really knows him and gets him, that can please him so completely...He tells me all the time that even at his age, he has never met anyone like me and that he never will again. Those words carve themselves in my heart and make an emotional mess of me. I have never met a man so open with his feelings before, so willing to share them with me and so caring and kind. 

After my long rambling email where I pleaded for us to focus on the sex and not on the emotions, he proceeded to send me the most emotional email ever:

"I want to tell you that I will not leave you. If we are to ever part ways permanently, it won't be my initiative. 
My experience allows me to know with certainty that there is nobody like you out there for me. I will not be able to replace you. Not with anyone that compares to you, no way. 
And since you have managed to fulfill all of my needs, since you have given me everything I could have hoped for AND MORE, I have no interest in leaving you and/or trying to replace you. 
You are my fantasy, yes. But you are also perfect in so many ways, and in every way that truly matters. 
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could find somebody that makes me feel the way you do. That means as much to me as you do. 
And while our respective lives will of course take many different turns, I truly believe that we can adapt and adjust to anything if we both want to. 
I love that about us. 
I believe in us. I really do. And that is why I feel the way I do. 
I love you Olivia. And regardless of what lies ahead, I always will. 
xxx

A."

It made me laugh and realize that I can not change him. I have to change me.  

A kinkier realm

A. is different from the lovers I have had before, in many ways. One of those is that despite the fact that he is in his early 40s and I am in my late 20s, I have had more experience with kinky sex than he has. Unlike D and J, A. is not dominant or commanding with me when it comes to sex. Once in a while, when he is really turned on, he will tell me to get on my knees and take him in my mouth but him being so direct never fails to surprise me. Also unlike D and J (and despite the fact that he is 10 years older than they are) A. is a little shy about honestly telling me what he fantasizes about and what he is curious to try. However, we have been getting more and more comfortable with each other and on friday, I felt him willing to open up to me and flirt with a kinkier realm. 

I was on top of him, riding him while he was whispering that he loves the feel of me on his cock. He was telling me how much I spoil him and then I said (as we often say to each other) that he has ruined me for all other potential lovers. He looked deep into my eyes and said: "Then, we will have to include others in this". 

I felt a small window of honesty open up and answered: "Do you want us to fuck other people? Do you want us to fuck another couple?"

My small window was closing as he got slightly shy about sharing his desires with me and he noncommittally replied: "I don't know, I said it without thinking".

I continued to ride his cock as I looked at him seriously and said: "Because I would do it if you wanted to".

To which he replied: "I am so in love with you".

I said: "Say it again".

He answered: "I am so fucking in love with you".