Calm after mild drama

December was both a peculiar and particularily intense month for A and I. My husband went away on a business trip for the first two weeks of december and A and I had made big plans. We had lenghty discussions and plans about how to spend these two weeks. We wanted to maximize our time together and celebrate the holidays in our own private way by having somewhat of a special all-day event. A has been saving this fancy bottle of wine for a special occasion and he had told me in the summer that there was no one he would rather enjoy it than me. He had arranged to have all day to spend with me and part of the night as well which felt extravagant and got me elated for parts of october and all of november. In addition to our private Christmas party, we had planned to see one another almost every single week day, parts of the weekend and to experiment with kinkier (drunk) sex. It felt like a dream and was something we looked forward to for weeks. Then, a day before my husband was traveling, I found out I was pregnant. To say that this news rocked A and I would be an understatement. Our plans had to be completely altered. I was no longer able to drink. Kinky rough sex was now something I was no longer comfortable with. Morning sickness kicked in and I felt my sex drive drifting away more and more each passing day. Our two weeks of pure bliss were replaced with two weeks of me questionning everything and A feeling helpless faced with this sudden change in my mood. During those two weeks, A and I went through a plethora of emotions, we argued, got annoyed with each other, said the wrong things many times, cried and made up. 

As I sit here now writing this, after A and I just spent the day ringing in the new year together (we now have rituals of celebrating things together privately) I feel more confident than ever that A will always be in my life, in a big or small way. We had no special plans for today other than enjoying every minute of being together and wishing each other a happy new year. After we spent the afternoon tangled in one another, at first, in a hot bath, and then, in bed, we sat on my kitchen counter chairs kissing and talking softly. As the sun was setting and the dark set around us, we didn't move for an hour. We told each other how happy and lucky we feel to have this kind of love in our lives. How a love like ours has profoundly altered us as individuals and awakened something in ourselves that we didn't think existed. We spoke of resilience and undying faith in 'us', of a love that is unconditional and deep, unselfish and truly beautiful. We talked about that void that we both used to feel and the trifling things we used to fill it with, empty sex with strangers and manipulative games of seduction that we used to believe were simply part of who we were. We spoke of how jaded we both thought we were and how 'adulterer' was  a label that we thought was simply a part of our personality, how we though absolutely ludicrous and impossible the concept that one person could come to mean and be everything to us. We said silly things lovers say to each other... words and expressions that didn't mean anything to us before but that feel so real and sincere now. 

Our relationship will change and be altered by events occuring in our respective lives, the intensity of it will vary and many things remain unknown. But there is no way that A and I will ever leave each other's lives. This love has changed me and makes me want to be better. A inspires me to be the best version of me, to give myself to him unselfishly, without promises or commitments, simply because surrendering to the feeling of loving him and being loved by him is by far, the most beautiful, breathtaking and stunning experience of my life. 

Happy New Year :)

xox

Holding on to something

A came over yesterday for the afternoon. We had lunch together and talked about our Christmas plans and about how much we would miss each other during the holidays. After lunch, he pulled me up from my chair and brought me to the couch. His body over mine, A kissed me and began unbuttoning my blouse. Usually, his fingers brushing my chest would have me completely wet in an instant but yesterday, everything felt wrong. The smell of A, his scent mixed with his cologne, which I absolutely adore under normal circumstances, made my morning sickness worse and his eagerness to have me, which normally turns me on to no end, left me feeling numb and cold rather than hot and wet. Of course, A being so in tuned with my feelings, could sense the weirdness between us and tried to explain it and rationalize it. He said it was normal that I feel differently while going through something so immensely life changing as having a baby, that my morning sickness leaves me feeling down and that my desire for sex is far behind other concerns for now. 

While those are not untrue, I am also changing in a way that I did not expect and could not have predicted. I feel as though this pregnancy has helped me find my center again. I feel at peace with my life as though everything is happening as it should. I feel closer to my husband and I am happy and thankful every day that we are going through this crazy experience together. I am excited for the future with my husband which is something that I haven't felt in a long time. I also feel very blessed that I get the opportunity to experience being a mother and that leaves me with a feeling of responsibility that makes it difficult to keep doing the things that I used to do. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my relationship with A at the same intensity. It simply does not work. I feel that my mind and my heart are pulling me in the opposite direction. As much as I don't want to hurt A, I know that he feels it. He told me yesterday that he doesn't hold on to the dream that we will one day be together. He said that he knows that my love for him is real and deep and that I don't wish to cause him any pain but that I must always do whatever is best for myself. 

How will this translate for A and I....I have no idea. Lately, I wonder if we are simply holding on to something that is now missing. Perhaps this is temporary.....I guess we'll see. 

Our first argument

A:

You know, this is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever have to do.

Olivia:

What do you mean?

A:

I mean watching the one woman whom I love, who I am so certain is perfect for me and who I want to be with above all others, take her life in the complete opposite direction. 

Olivia:

We have to remember that this is what we signed up for A. We never told each other that we would leave our houses, that we would build a new life together. We never made any promises other than love one another harder than we had loved anyone else before.

A:

That's true, you're right. This is what we wanted. 

Olivia:

We are not in the same stage in our lives A. I am not ready to leave my husband. I am not ready to change my life. But that doesn't mean that I am happily married. I will always need more. And you've changed me....I will never want the same things again. I will never want empty sex with semi-strangers again. That has no appeal to me now. Not after you. I want you. But this.......you and me.....in this form....is it enough?

A:
I know you are not ready. I knew you weren't ready to leave even before you got pregnant. I would never ask anything from you. Even if this is all there ever is between us, it's more than enough. I just get so fucking scared Olivia. You are going to change....you are already changing. I am so scared to lose you. I am not ready to lose you baby. 

Olivia:
I love you A. I don't know how things will change but can't we just take it one day at a time? I rely on you, I need you to be my rock, I need you to tell me that we'll be ok. Tell me we'll be ok baby.

A:
I am not going anywhere baby. I promise you that. We'll be ok. I will wait for you as long as I have to, as long as you want me to. I love you. I always will. 

Flowers

I have the house all to myself and for the past few days, A and I have been playing house. Despite it being a dangerous game, A and I are making the most out of the time that we have by taking advantage of every single opportunity. Earlier in the week, we met up at my house after work. A has a weekly sports thing that he blew off that evening so that we could have dinner together and spend a few hours wrapped up in each other. I opened the door to greet him and he stood there, in the snow, holding the biggest bouquet of flowers I had ever been given. Once inside, I had to separate the bouquet in three individual vases as A explained that he had always wanted to give me flowers and that now I actually had a few days to hold on to them. 

Our relationship is slowly changing. I feel A's feelings getting more intense and his love for me growing every day. He shows his love in little and big ways. He came over one morning before work because I had mentionned that my car was running low on windshield wiper fluid and had never taken care of it myself before and he showed me how to do it. He comes over with breakfast when I am not feeling well in the morning, he buys me a box of his favorite tea which he swears will replace my morning coffee when I mention that I want to cut caffeine and he buys me a bouquet of exotic flowers because he knows that seeing them on my dining room table will make me smile, morning and night. 

I know that A truly and deeply cares for me because he is still here. 

He is still here, showing me his love in a million little ways, despite finding out a week ago that I am pregnant.