Holding on to something

A came over yesterday for the afternoon. We had lunch together and talked about our Christmas plans and about how much we would miss each other during the holidays. After lunch, he pulled me up from my chair and brought me to the couch. His body over mine, A kissed me and began unbuttoning my blouse. Usually, his fingers brushing my chest would have me completely wet in an instant but yesterday, everything felt wrong. The smell of A, his scent mixed with his cologne, which I absolutely adore under normal circumstances, made my morning sickness worse and his eagerness to have me, which normally turns me on to no end, left me feeling numb and cold rather than hot and wet. Of course, A being so in tuned with my feelings, could sense the weirdness between us and tried to explain it and rationalize it. He said it was normal that I feel differently while going through something so immensely life changing as having a baby, that my morning sickness leaves me feeling down and that my desire for sex is far behind other concerns for now. 

While those are not untrue, I am also changing in a way that I did not expect and could not have predicted. I feel as though this pregnancy has helped me find my center again. I feel at peace with my life as though everything is happening as it should. I feel closer to my husband and I am happy and thankful every day that we are going through this crazy experience together. I am excited for the future with my husband which is something that I haven't felt in a long time. I also feel very blessed that I get the opportunity to experience being a mother and that leaves me with a feeling of responsibility that makes it difficult to keep doing the things that I used to do. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my relationship with A at the same intensity. It simply does not work. I feel that my mind and my heart are pulling me in the opposite direction. As much as I don't want to hurt A, I know that he feels it. He told me yesterday that he doesn't hold on to the dream that we will one day be together. He said that he knows that my love for him is real and deep and that I don't wish to cause him any pain but that I must always do whatever is best for myself. 

How will this translate for A and I....I have no idea. Lately, I wonder if we are simply holding on to something that is now missing. Perhaps this is temporary.....I guess we'll see.