Fun and games

I just spent another full day with A. These are definitely bad for me. My lovers are a hobby, they are all fun and games and no negative feelings should arise from an encounter. When I left the hotel and A. and I parted ways and walked to opposite sides of the parking lot, I was left with feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness. This is fascinating in its newness. I have never felt this way after an encounter before. I usually drive all the way home with a silly smile on my face and sexy images on my mind. Today, I just felt sad. I am definitely not protecting my heart with A. as I have been so careful to do with J., my only other long-term lover. A. makes me unravel, melt and break all of my rules. He makes me want to eliminate all others lovers so that I can focus solely on pleasing, pleasuring and cater to him. He makes me want to share details of my life and my days. He drives me crazy in every way. He makes me feel like I am special. That is where the problem lies. Not that J. doesn't make me feel appreciated but A. makes me feel like I am important to him, like I have been missing from his life. That is where it gets dangerous. My walls are slowly caving in and my heart is opening to A. I need to get a better grip, to take control and to prevent myself from falling for him. I need rehab. Damn him.

Multiple lovers

The intricacies of juggling multiple lovers are both exciting and exhausting. When I first began my adventures on AM, I used to think that I would need and want only one lover besides my husband. For many months, that lover was J. However, my craving for attention made it difficult to be entirely satisfied by the relationship that J. and I share. J. is a perfect affair partner in terms of keeping things simple and clear. We have strict rules and we try to prevent building intimacy in a concerted effort to avoid falling for each other. We communicate regularly but not every day. We don't share information about our personal lives. This keeps things from getting messy but doesn't fulfill my need to connect and feel close to someone. As much as I wish to protect my heart and my life, I enjoy intense feelings of lust and the butterflies and slight obsession that one gets at the onset of a relationship. Because I needed a distraction in between encounters and in between the one email a day I would receive from J., I joined AM once again. There, I met D. who would turn out to be one of my lovers. I also met M., B., S. and my new favorite, A. This is where things get slightly complicated and confusing. Having multiple lovers involves a lot of juggling. Finding time to meet with them is particularly difficult as I do have a full time job and husband. Although I enjoy each of my lovers for different reasons, I am starting to feel like I need to simplify my affairs. To be continued.

In too deep?

I spent the whole day with A. It was a rainy day in the city and so we stayed warm in the comfort of our hotel room all day. Did I mention all day? This is definitely new for me. Usually, my lovers take me to a hotel for a few hours of wild crazy sex and then we part ways. A. wants to spend time with me, talk with me, share meals with me and fuck me. We never run out of things to say and most of those revolve around us complimenting one another. I love to tell him how hot he is and how everything he does turns me on. He tells me that I am beautiful, that I drive him wild and crazy and that he can't get enough of me. We tell eachother how dangerous we are for one another. We share something beyond mere physical attraction and lust. He is so sensual and passionate in his ways and yet I always get the feeling that I have had more experience and exposure with kinky sex than he has. I like to push him a little beyond his comfort zone and see his surprised and ultimately satisfied expression afterwards. As soon as we entered the hotel room, he kissed me and pulled me so close to him. I immediately became dripping wet with anticipation and the pleasure of feeling him close to me and breathing him in. We undressed eachother and teased one another for what seemed like a lifetime. He is so gifted at foreplay, unlike anyone I have ever been with before. He knows exactly how to touch me to drive me absolutely crazy with desire. I begged him to fuck me and he obliged, getting so deep inside me. I was hot and wet  for him. When he couldn't take anymore, I told him that I wanted him to cum in my mouth. I confessed that I had been dreaming about it all week. He pulled out, stood up and I took him in my mouth. I sucked on him and took him deep until he came so hard in my mouth. I swallowed and continued to kiss and lick him after his orgasm which drove him wild. He then lied down on the bed, pulling me in a tight embrace and holding me close to him for along time. Eventually, we fucked again, we played with one another, talked and drank the wine he had brought.

We connect and make eachother feel wanted, desired and appreciated.   We laugh and share witty banter which I know excites both of us equally. 

His smile is sexiest after I've said something naughty and the way he kisses my fingers and takes them into his mouth makes me melt. I like everything about A. Am I in too deep?

What makes me this way?

I have had a penchant for adultery ever since I can remember. I love getting to know someone and I tend to find something to like in everyone that I meet. I have often felt attraction towards multiple men at once. I have even been in love with more than one man at one time. I like and love different people for different traits and qualities. I can remember being 17 years old, in my first long-term relationship with someone I had deep feelings for and still not being able to stay away from my very first lover. I used to tell myself that flirting and kissing was alright as long as I didn't sleep with men. When I began sleeping with men other than my boyfriends, I used to argue that I would stop when I got married and that as a married woman I would be mature and faithful. 

Therefore, I don't recall ever being truly monogamous. Despite long stretches of faithfulness, I have always fallen back into my flirty, adulterous ways. I always wonder what makes me this way? Why can't I find satisfaction in a monogamous relationship that is happy, strong, stable and loving? Of all things, why do I seek out relationships with men that are based in fantasy, that are exciting but fleeting?

I don't have the answers but through introspection and experience, I have come to understand a few things about who I am. There has always been a duality in me. There is the ''me'' which my friends, my colleagues, my family and my husband have come to know and love. This is my public personality. I am considerate, loyal, generous and someone they can depend on. I am sweet and sometimes shy which gives me an aura of innocence. Then, there is the ''me'' that I only I know fully. The ''me'' that I choose to share little bits of with certain friends and lovers. My private personality and my dark side. I am restless, easily bored and in constant search of mental and physical stimulation. I am a natural flirt and know how to use my charm and my wit to manipulate and get attention. 

Duality is an integral part of who I am and as much as I try to ignore one side of my personality, I can't hide from it. I am dangerous and vulnerable. I want to be nurtured but remain fiercely independent. I want the safety and stability of my marriage and the excitement and exhuberance of an affair with someone new. The only way that I have been able to manage my dual personalities is to lead two lives. 

My new favorite...

In an attempt to keep my life in order and prevent things from getting messy and out of control, I cheat by following a set of relatively strict rules. I say ''relatively'' because let's be honest, I have been known to break rules from time to time. I am a sucker for excitement and danger, what can I do? I mostly abide by my rules which I have drafted in an effort to keep me safe but more importantly, sane. Those rules revolve around being selective about how much of myself I share with men. I try not to build intimacy in order to prevent the development of feelings. I like to believe that although I may share my body with men, my heart belongs to my husband. I tend to limit the personal information that I share and I never ever allow men to text me or call me. I have broken most of these rules with A.

A. is my new favorite. Things have progressed quickly and I can not believe that I was considering never meeting him in person just a few weeks ago. In fact, my first conversation with A. began out of boredom and a desire to be entertained. We shared witty and sexy emails back and forth during a lazy friday afternoon where neither of us was actually doing any work in the office. We discovered that we had a lot in common despite a significant age difference. A. is warm and completely open. He shares stories and feelings without being careful or holding back. He is funny and constantly makes me laugh. He is passionate, giving and caring.

A. is a passionate kisser. When his lips touch mine, I can feel his desire. He skillfully uses his tongue and nibbles on my bottom lip while kissing me. He draws me in. He holds me close and he teases me like no other lover has done before. He will put his hands on me so slowly and graze my skin with his fingers. He inches his way from my leg to my thigh and softly touches me closer and closer to where I need to feel him. When his fingers reach my wetness, he is still moving painfully and deliciously slow. Everything about the way he fucks me is exactly right. It is like he was meant for me. Or maybe he can read my mind. His sensuality turns me on and the way he combines passion, sweetness and roughness is something I will be touching myself to for years to come.

The week we first met, we spent two evenings together. We talk everyday. Often texting throughout the day. I can't get enough of him. My heart pounds in my chest when he writes about how badly he wants me. I can feel myself unraveling. This is the first time that I feel that a man is slowly breaking through the protective walls that I have created around myself. Walls made of rules, self-control and compartmentalization. What will become of me through my affair with A. I have yet to figure out. However, I know that I want to find out.

A. is dangerous. But I have been known to live dangerously.

Meet J.

J. is my old favorite. He is the first man I was with after getting married. He is sophisticated, intelligent, witty, successful and very sexy. We met on AM and exchanged a series of steamy emails that eventually led to a coffee and then a first encounter in an upscale hotel outside Montreal. One of the things that I liked about J. was that he always seemed to know exactly what to say and do to turn me on. I was still fairly new to AM back then and had shared some correspondence with a few men, most of which I would qualify as sleazy. Unlike these other men, J. offered to take me to a nice hotel for our first encounter. We shared a bottle of wine and took our time getting comfortable and letting the anticipation build. Despite the fact that we both knew what we were there for, J. never made me feel cheap and that was a big turn on. Don't get me wrong, J. is not a sentimental man, he is not affectionate and there is never a doubt that this relationship is strictly about exploring and pushing our sexual boundaries. Still, he knows how to make a woman feel sexy, valued and cared for, within the context of the affair. That is what I appreciate the most about J. 

That and the magnificient way in which he teases me and fucks me. It is like he can read my mind. He teases me by preventing me from moving too fast. He likes the build up, the foreplay, the sexual games. He is a dominant man and I suspect that he fucks me the way he would never fuck his wife. When we are together, he is in charge. He surprises me with pain and then eases that pain with pleasure. He is passionate and rough. He knows what he wants and how he wants to take it. 

He thrills me, excites me, pleases me and pushes my limits constantly. For all those things, J. is my old favorite. One day, I will introduce you to A., my new favorite. 

Adulterous sex

There is something distinctively exciting and thrilling about sex outside of marriage. For me, the thrill of it borders on an addiction. It is the illicit excitement of meeting someone new that I crave. I constantly search for new experiences and discovering who a man is, what turns him on and what he loves about me is as intoxicating as a drug. My desire to seek out all things new is matched by an severe aversion to routine. Once routine has instilled itself within a relationship or a marriage, it is a constant battle to attempt to ignite that spark of excitement. Marriage is hard work and keeping passion alive between two people who have known each other so thoroughly for years demands constant efforts. I am also a secret attention whore. You would not realize this from any interaction with me in my real life, however, with my lovers, being noticed, flirted with and desired is decidedly my favorite part of the affair. I am a shameless flirt. This added to the fact that I have a naturally considerate and congenial personality leads all men to believe that I am interested in them. I guess that would also make me a tease.

With these character traits, I feel that I have always had a predisosition toward adultery. I have never been especially gifted at monogamy. The first time I ever cheated, I was in my early twenties and had already been dating the man that I would ultimately marry, for three years. Here is where I want to insert a disclaimer. If you have never cheated before and are contemplating it, be mindful of the fact that once you open that door and take a step inside, it becomes much easier to keep that door open and waltz in and out of it in the future. The guilt that one might feel upon a first adulterous encounter will fade with every subsequent one.

My first experience with adultery was with G. We had a class together at University and flirted throughout the semester. He was charming, gorgeous and we had undeniable chemistry. I wanted him. On a saturday night where we were both out at different Montreal clubs, I sent him a text asking if he wanted to get a coffee. Yes a coffee. At three in the morning. My subtlety needed work, I'll admit that. That text prompted him to pick me up and bring me back to his apartment where he proceeded to warm up the water for that coffee we never had. After a brief tour of his apartment, he pushed my back against the wall and kissed me with the passion that I had been craving for weeks. His hand found the back of my head and prevented me from breaking our kiss. As his tongue gently touched mine and his teeth bit my lower lip, I could feel myself getting wet. I was excited, nervous and thrilled all at once. I had only been with two men and never had sex outside of a committed relationship before. He lifted the hem of my dress and quickly removed my underwear. He knelt in front of me and started exploring me with his tongue. He found my wetness and plunged his tongue deep inside me. I moaned from the pleasure and the thrill of having someone new exploring me so intimately. He found my clit and flicked his tongue over it. I was dripping wet. Eventually, he came back up and kissed me. He leaned back against the wall and told me to take his cock in my mouth. I unzipped his pants and freed his cock from his boxers. G. was quite small and so I was able to swallow his entire length despite being inexperienced. I licked and sucked on him until he pulled me up and threw me on the bed. He warned me that he hadn't had sex in a while and that he might consequently cum quickly. He fucked me in the missionnary position until he came. He then offered me a glass of water and called me a cab.

I am sharing this lackluster experience as a reminder that adultery is not glamorous. As exciting as the fantasies might be in our minds, in real life, a man might fuck you and send you home without as much as a thank you. I cried on the cab ride home and felt both guilty and dumb for cheating on such a wonderful man who loved me. I felt dirty and had to take an hour long shower before I could shake the feeling. This first encounter with adultery made me want to work on my relationship and make things better. After that night, I was a good girl...............until K. 

Monogamy is simply not my thing.

Last week, I met D. for drinks at a trendy bar. After a month of emails in which we shared secrets and fantasies from the deepest darkest parts of ourselves, flirting seemed tamed in comparison. After a first drink, he asked me whether I wanted to take this further. I sat, pondering this question for a few minutes, decidedly unsure of what I was going to do. On the one hand, he was handsome and there was definite chemistry. On the other, I had never moved this quickly with a stranger before. There was something about D. that prevented me from overanalyzing the situation. I agreed to go to a hotel nearby after a second, much-needed drink. Perhaps it was that his seduction method appealed directly to my brainy side. His nerdy intelligence coupled with an apparent liking for the perverse and kinky excited me both body and mind.

When we stepped into the hotel room, I was both turned on and afraid. I was turned on by my sudden boldness and surprised at my decision to let this stranger do unspeakable things to me. I was afraid for the same reason. D. was still a stranger. A kinky stranger and I did not know what sleeping with him would be like or what it would awaken in me. 

What was ultimately awakened in me that night was my inner whore. To even begin to understand the implications of this statement, I must tell you that I am married. To my husband, my family and friends, I am a loving wife, a young professionnal and a devoted homemaker. 

To my lovers, I am their naughtiest and dirtiest little secret. 

Here, I am exposing my dark side.