What makes me this way?

I have had a penchant for adultery ever since I can remember. I love getting to know someone and I tend to find something to like in everyone that I meet. I have often felt attraction towards multiple men at once. I have even been in love with more than one man at one time. I like and love different people for different traits and qualities. I can remember being 17 years old, in my first long-term relationship with someone I had deep feelings for and still not being able to stay away from my very first lover. I used to tell myself that flirting and kissing was alright as long as I didn't sleep with men. When I began sleeping with men other than my boyfriends, I used to argue that I would stop when I got married and that as a married woman I would be mature and faithful. 

Therefore, I don't recall ever being truly monogamous. Despite long stretches of faithfulness, I have always fallen back into my flirty, adulterous ways. I always wonder what makes me this way? Why can't I find satisfaction in a monogamous relationship that is happy, strong, stable and loving? Of all things, why do I seek out relationships with men that are based in fantasy, that are exciting but fleeting?

I don't have the answers but through introspection and experience, I have come to understand a few things about who I am. There has always been a duality in me. There is the ''me'' which my friends, my colleagues, my family and my husband have come to know and love. This is my public personality. I am considerate, loyal, generous and someone they can depend on. I am sweet and sometimes shy which gives me an aura of innocence. Then, there is the ''me'' that I only I know fully. The ''me'' that I choose to share little bits of with certain friends and lovers. My private personality and my dark side. I am restless, easily bored and in constant search of mental and physical stimulation. I am a natural flirt and know how to use my charm and my wit to manipulate and get attention. 

Duality is an integral part of who I am and as much as I try to ignore one side of my personality, I can't hide from it. I am dangerous and vulnerable. I want to be nurtured but remain fiercely independent. I want the safety and stability of my marriage and the excitement and exhuberance of an affair with someone new. The only way that I have been able to manage my dual personalities is to lead two lives.