Levels of guilt

I had a very interesting weekend filled with adventures which prompted me to give some thought to the notion of guilt and its pervasive effect on our feelings, attitude and stress level. I spent the weekend with good friends celebrating a happy event. A mix of alcohol and the lack of presence from my friends' spouses led to what is, according to me, mild straying behavior. For once and to everyone's surprise, I did not take part in this action. Instead, people who are inherently happy in their  respective relationships and who believe in the importance and respect of monogamy, got it on with eachother. The drama ensuing the next morning led me to wonder what makes people who have no desire to cheat and who genuinely feel guilty about it engage in this kind of behavior. For me, cheating is part of who I am and I have come to recognize that this fact can not be ignored. In fact, ignoring this part of myself would render me completely and utterly miserable and would be detrimental to my marriage. I feel no guilt about the act of cheating. Instead, what I would feel guilty about would be the pain that the discovery of my cheating would inflict on my husband whom I love dearly. For my friends, the mere act of kissing someone besides their spouse makes them feel so utterly guilty that they make a mess of their relationship. They cry, dwell, stress and act completely crazy. The act of cheating becomes a secret too heavy for them to carry and hide and eventually they feel compelled to confess. Why would they cheat in the first place?

The events also got me thinking about whether I was normal for not feeling any guilt about my numerous indecencies. What I do on a regular basis is so much worse than what they did once.

What makes me different? Again, I don't have the answers. 

What makes me this way?

I have had a penchant for adultery ever since I can remember. I love getting to know someone and I tend to find something to like in everyone that I meet. I have often felt attraction towards multiple men at once. I have even been in love with more than one man at one time. I like and love different people for different traits and qualities. I can remember being 17 years old, in my first long-term relationship with someone I had deep feelings for and still not being able to stay away from my very first lover. I used to tell myself that flirting and kissing was alright as long as I didn't sleep with men. When I began sleeping with men other than my boyfriends, I used to argue that I would stop when I got married and that as a married woman I would be mature and faithful. 

Therefore, I don't recall ever being truly monogamous. Despite long stretches of faithfulness, I have always fallen back into my flirty, adulterous ways. I always wonder what makes me this way? Why can't I find satisfaction in a monogamous relationship that is happy, strong, stable and loving? Of all things, why do I seek out relationships with men that are based in fantasy, that are exciting but fleeting?

I don't have the answers but through introspection and experience, I have come to understand a few things about who I am. There has always been a duality in me. There is the ''me'' which my friends, my colleagues, my family and my husband have come to know and love. This is my public personality. I am considerate, loyal, generous and someone they can depend on. I am sweet and sometimes shy which gives me an aura of innocence. Then, there is the ''me'' that I only I know fully. The ''me'' that I choose to share little bits of with certain friends and lovers. My private personality and my dark side. I am restless, easily bored and in constant search of mental and physical stimulation. I am a natural flirt and know how to use my charm and my wit to manipulate and get attention. 

Duality is an integral part of who I am and as much as I try to ignore one side of my personality, I can't hide from it. I am dangerous and vulnerable. I want to be nurtured but remain fiercely independent. I want the safety and stability of my marriage and the excitement and exhuberance of an affair with someone new. The only way that I have been able to manage my dual personalities is to lead two lives. 

Monogamy is simply not my thing.

Last week, I met D. for drinks at a trendy bar. After a month of emails in which we shared secrets and fantasies from the deepest darkest parts of ourselves, flirting seemed tamed in comparison. After a first drink, he asked me whether I wanted to take this further. I sat, pondering this question for a few minutes, decidedly unsure of what I was going to do. On the one hand, he was handsome and there was definite chemistry. On the other, I had never moved this quickly with a stranger before. There was something about D. that prevented me from overanalyzing the situation. I agreed to go to a hotel nearby after a second, much-needed drink. Perhaps it was that his seduction method appealed directly to my brainy side. His nerdy intelligence coupled with an apparent liking for the perverse and kinky excited me both body and mind.

When we stepped into the hotel room, I was both turned on and afraid. I was turned on by my sudden boldness and surprised at my decision to let this stranger do unspeakable things to me. I was afraid for the same reason. D. was still a stranger. A kinky stranger and I did not know what sleeping with him would be like or what it would awaken in me. 

What was ultimately awakened in me that night was my inner whore. To even begin to understand the implications of this statement, I must tell you that I am married. To my husband, my family and friends, I am a loving wife, a young professionnal and a devoted homemaker. 

To my lovers, I am their naughtiest and dirtiest little secret. 

Here, I am exposing my dark side.