Loving A

It has been a while since I posted. I am sorry about that. The last year has been full of changes and challenges. I had lost the motivation to write. I was lost in my own inner turmoil for a while and then happily lost in the bustle of my life.

Through it all though, one thing has been constant. 

A.

I left this blog in June 2015.

I was a new mom to a wonderful baby boy but I was completely lost. Lost in a marriage that wasn't serving myself or my husband. I was struggling with what I now understand to have been postpartum depression and anxiety. I was just overall completely stuck. 

One night in march 2016, as I was putting my son to sleep, I felt overwhelmed with the desire to tell my husband that I wanted out. I remember being completely terrified but knowing that something had to change. I still don't know where I found the courage but as I sat on the couch and took my husband's hands in mine, I began to tell him that I felt like we needed to separate. 

Thus began a very confusing time in my life where self-doubt and sheer panic became part of my daily reality. I doubted my decision, I felt alone and I questioned whether or not I had the strength to go through with the separation and eventually, the divorce. 

A held me through panic attacks and helped me cope as best as he could. As much as it hurt him to watch me be riddled with doubt, he stuck it out with me and eventually gathered the courage to leave his own marriage. 

And suddenly, there it all was. Everything we had ever dreamed of. 

We were together, together. 

We were free. 

To be our authentic self. 

And to love each other. 

And we loved each other. Passionately. 

I feel the urge to write and document our story because it is ending.

A has been diagnosed with inoperable terminal pancreatic cancer on January 11th 2017.

But don't worry, this story isn't about death. It is about love.