Rules? What rules?

A. and I met for breakfast early this week because we were missing each other so much that we could hardly function. As we ate and had coffee, we talked, flirted and laughed a lot. We also caught up on what is going on at home for him. His home life is a mess right now and his wife calls him almost every hour just to check up on him and make sure that he is where he says he is. This makes it difficult for us to get away together. We sat, over breakfast, pondering what we should do. The sane response would have been to cool things for a while until the dust settles at home. However, nothing about my relationship with A. is sane. Instead of cooling things, we got in his car and fooled around until both of us were out of breath and so turned on that we could function even less than before. We decided to try and meet on friday. 

Thursday afternoon, A. calls me and tells me that his wife freaked out on him once more and that it would be risky for me to get involved in this mess by meeting up with him on friday. As much as it upset me not to be able to spend the day with him, I knew he was right and that I should stay away for a while. I told him that maybe I should give him the time and space to figure things out with his wife and that perhaps we should not see each other for a little while. He replied that that would make him even more depressed and that I should not talk about breaking up with him. We ended the phone call with a promise to talk soon and to be there for each other. 

The next morning, I woke up to an email from A. saying that he hates the situation that we are in and that ne NEEDS to see me. He says that if I can make it to his part of town, he will figure something out so that we can spend time together. I texted him and he told me that he was cancelling all his work for the day so that he could be with me. I felt a little bad but also exhilarated by his intensity. I finally met up with him not knowing exactly where we were going to spend the day. He drove around for a long time and I was slightly confused about where we were going and why we were wasting time in the car. Eventually, I realized that he was driving around as a way to gather the courage to ask me whether I was comfortable going over to his house (!!!).

Now this is something I have never ever done before and that is definitely against the rules. I protested for a while and tried to find a suitable alternative but couldn't come up with anything so I caved and we drove to his place. It felt awkward for a little while but he had a whole separate area to his house that allowed me not to be subjected to anything too personal about his home life. I told him that I felt like we were losing our minds. I said that this would never happen if we didn't like each other so much. He said that he was thinking the same thing. He held me close and put his lips on mine and all my worries slipped away. He pulled me so close to him and he was so passionnate that nothing mattered anymore and we just gave in to the feeling of being together.

We had sex over and over again.... He would go from taking me from behind and slapping my ass to turning me around and kissing me intensely while moving so slowly. I have always preferred sex to be rough and kinky. Fucking. With A., I feel like I am making love for the first time.

Will I survive the summer?

Confusion, messiness...

I finally heard from A. saturday afternoon and he said that everything was ok for him at home. Just as I breathed a huge sigh of relief, he told me that he was in the midst of deciding whether or not what he wanted was a divorce from his wife. Excuse me? 

To say that this statement freaked me out would be an understatement. One of the most important rules that I follow in my affairs with married men is to make sure to find someone who, like me, is happily married and unwilling to change his marital status. I feel safe knowing that the man I am with wants to stay with his wife and wishes to protect his marriage. A. has just thrown a major curve ball in my direction. In any other adulterous relationship, I would seriously consider breaking it off. I would give the man space and time to straighten out his home life. As you might have guessed, all rules have been broken with A. and I just can't bring myself to cool things down with him. I am falling for this man. Hard. I am utterly consumed in this affair. I am afraid, I feel wonder, happiness and pain. I feel desire and lust, affection and love. He told me that his first reaction when his wife asked him to move out for a few days was to think that that would give him more time with me.

A. and I, we've got it bad for each other. I have ventured into unchartered territory with him. I told him that I felt like I was standing on a ledge just about to jump into the sea.....and that I hoped that he wouldn't let me drown. He told me that he would be there to catch me. 

The end of an affair

I spent yesterday evening with A. We met at our regular hotel and spent a late night together. Everything was wonderful and perfect until about midnight when his phone started ringing. I asked him if he needed to check it and he said that he knew it was his wife. He ignored the first call. And the second, and the third, and the fourth as well as all the little rings indicating text messages. On the fifth ring in a row, I started to get freaked out. She was calling incessantly. He put his phone on silent but I saw that the blinking light, indicating her calls, never died down. We both got ready to leave as this completely messed with my head. He apologized and said that she has had a feeling that he was having an affair and probably went through his things. On his way home, he called to make sure that I was ok. I am the one wanting to make sure that he is ok. I had a horrible night sleep having nightmares that he got kicked out of his home or that his wife found his private email account.

The only thing that could mess up what A. and I have is precisely this. It is one of us getting caught. I don't want to sound complacent and I guess that anything can happen but I don't think I will ever get caught. As long as I follow the rules and I continue being careful, I will get away with it. This is actually one of the things that I do feel guilty about. The fact that my husband trusts me so completely that to him, the mere idea that I could carry on an affair is simply unthinkable. I feel guilty for projecting this image of the innocent and devoted wife to him and to his family. If I were ever to get caught, it is that deception that would be hardest to live with for my loved ones. I know that they would feel like they never really knew me at all. Which is not untrue for I only let them see what I know they wish to see. I am what they wish for me to be. Although that is the life that I chose, it sometimes feels like I can't breathe and through straying, I find the comfort of being myself again. 

There must be something that A. is doing at home that arises suspicion in his wife. Perhaps he is on the phone too much. Maybe he is distracted or no longer shows interest in having sex with her. Maybe he simply stopped caring and projecting the image of the husband she wants him to be. Women are very intuitive and know their husbands well. 

I am literally sitting by the phone waiting for news from A. I hope and pray that he was able to make it alright with his wife. An affair is by definition, an extracurricular activity. Our families must always be put first. I am afraid that A. and I will have to cool it down in an effort to repair his marriage.

Affairs never end well. And they always end.

Meet everyone

I am taking a break from my obsession with A. to write about the other men in my life. I know that it makes me look completely whorish to have many lovers, however, they all play vastly different roles in my life. First, there is J. You know J. He was my first affair partner and truly a gifted lover. What I love with my relationship with J. is its simplicity. J. is someone that I am fond of and with whom I have incredible sexual experiences. He fits the exact definition of a friends with benefits. There is no confusion about the limits and confines of the relationship. When we share a drink or a meal before an encounter, it is simply as a way to increase anticipation and our excitement level and not because we crave time together. Although we do talk and catch up during our encounters, our email communication between meetings is strictly sexual in nature. We are a great sexual match. We enjoy kinky, rough sex together where he gets to explore the dominant side of his personality and I get to play his dirty little whore. The relationship is extremely satisfying because neither of us wants any more than exactly what we have. 

Then, there is D who is by far, the naughtiest lover I have ever had. D. and I know next to nothing about each other and yet, he has pushed me farther sexually than anyone ever has. D. is exciting because he is mysterious, intelligent and extremely kinky. He scares and thrills me all at once. I have shared more of my sexual secrets with him that I ever have with anyone else before. He loves to hear the dirtiest and darkest secrets of others. Although I am far from innocent, with him, I feel quite inexperienced. He loves to surprise me and push my limits. On our first encounter, he spanked me so hard that I was black and blue for a week. He makes me do things that I never thought I would do.....

There are also S. and B. B. and I went on two dates, one of which ended with us kissing and touching eachother but nothing more. B. is very sensual, gorgeous and kind. However, something is preventing me from taking things further with him. Maybe it is his initial shyness and nervousness at the beginning of every meeting. I love a confident man and although I do sense his confidence, I wish he were not more nervous than me when we are together. S. and I have been emailing and texting for a while now but I also haven't taken things further with him. He is very crude in his ways and something about that turns me on. However, I like intelligent and well spoken men and something about S. doesn't feel quite right. Then again, the sex could be amazing....he did mention that he was extremely gifted at certain things. I am so curious. I will keep you posted on my decisions. 

Finally, there is A. He is the only one I can truly call my lover. What we have is deeper and more fulfilling than anything I have with anyone else. It is also more confusing and scary because of its emotional nature. Today, he texted me that he didn't recall ever wanting someone as badly as he wanted me. He said that he wanted to possess every fibre of my being. He is kind and so intuned with his emotions. I have never met a man like him. Sometimes, I feel that by keeping these other men in my life, I am simply trying to minimize the importance of A. Sometimes, I will fuck J. and tell myself that it is rehab from A. I am consumed with A. I am losing my head. In a major way. 

The limits of an affair

A. and I had a bit of a heart to heart over the weekend. I admitted to him that I was unable to be unemotional about our affair and that it felt completely different from any other affair I had ever had in the past. I told him that that fact scared me and that I did not know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

I try to keep a safe distance from my lovers. I don't give too much of myself over to them. D. even says that I have a code of silence, where I will purposely prevent myself from revealing too much personal information in an attempt to avoid intimacy from being formed in the relationship. I tend to keep things pretty straightforward and simple. I don't give out my phone number or my full name. I don't talk about my husband or my marriage. I keep email communication centered around the topic of sex and fantasies of what we wish to do to each other during the next encounter. I don't text and I don't call and I don't even email every day. I see J. every two weeks and the others only once in a while when it is convenient and careful for me to do so. I am a planner and do not act on a whim. I am very guarded and protective of my heart. I feel that as long as I keep things simple and unemotional, I will be able to handle everything with limited risk. 

Since A. has come into my life, everything has been turned upside down. A. is warm and loving. He makes me feel cared for. I am breaking all the rules in this affair. We have been meeting every week for entire days. We share meals together and spend time talking and driving around. We want to go on dates and sit across from each other having dinner. We talk on the phone and we text every day. When I told him that I was unable to keep myself detached from this affair, he said that he hoped that I would never be able to. When I told him that I felt more with him than with any other, he didn't get scared, instead, he loved it. When I said that I was scared about this, he answered that he would never hurt me and would protect me from any potential negative consequences of our affair. He said that despite the obvious limits imposed on our relationship, he didn't see why, within those limits, our relationship couldn't be unlimited. 

Is he trying to make me fall in love with him?

What men like.....

For the last year, I have been meeting and flirting with many men. Although I have always been somewhat unfaithful, this past year, I have discovered AM and have really begun experimenting with this side of my personality. Some of the men that I have met have become lovers, others have been one night stands and a few never made it very far at all. Through these interactions, I have learned a lot about what men like. What turns them on and what makes them want more. I have always been particularly gifted at flirting. Men like to know that they are interesting to you and that they are desired. That part is easy enough. As much as they enjoy the chase, it is very exciting to them to sit opposite a woman who laughs at their jokes, who touches their arm while telling a story and who is generally warm and responsive to their seduction efforts. A flirty girl is an exiting girl and a dangerous girl. Married men also like their mistresses to be positive. A positive attitude and no complaining makes your relationship feel refreshing and fun and is a welcomed distraction from their home life. It is not surprising that men enjoy an open-minded woman when it comes to sex. They enjoy the excitement and danger of a kinky mistress. However, as much as they like having a little whore in their bed, they get turned on by a girl who can play innocent as well as she can play the naughty slut. This is the one thing I have discovered with ALL of my lovers. I am blessed with an innocent look. I look younger than my age and am the typical girl next door. I have been called sweet, cute, adorable and innocent. However, when it comes to sex, I like it rough, kinky and naughty. I can be extremely naughty and experimental in my sex life. This surprises every single one of my lovers and turns them on to no end. With time, I have mastered the art. And it has worked wonders for me. I don't know what it is about having a sweet innocent-looking girl do unspeakably naughty things that turn men on so much. Maybe they enjoy the idea of corrupting a sweet girl. Perhaps it is the element of surprise. Whatever it may be, they love it and can't get enough of it. 

Mostly, men like women who make them feel good about themselves. Boost their ego with compliments and attention and you will have them wrapped around your little finger without them even realizing it. I love to make a man feel like a man. To let him take charge and be in control sexually. I love to compliment him in every way. To make him feel sexy and desired. This is especially important to married men who don't feel this way at home anymore. There is nothing more arousing than a sexy   girl who tells you how badly she wants you and who shows you just how wet she gets when you touch her. Especially if this man has been married for a long time to a wife who barely notices him anymore and who makes no effort to seduce him or to respond to his efforts when it comes to their sex life. 

Finally, men like women to be kind to them. A mistress who will fuck your brains out and let you treat her like a little whore and enjoy every minute of it is great but if she is unkind, selfish, shallow or negative, the affair won't last. Men like women who are nurturing and sweet. To be kind, to show appreciation for what your lover does for you and to listen to him is a turn on. It all goes back to making a man feel good about himself. To make him feel like the man. To make him feel like he matters and he is important. To make him feel like a great lover and someone you are crazy about. This is what men like. 

This is easy to apply to a new lover but more difficult to remember on a regular basis within a marriage. However, it really is so important in keeping a marriage happy and satisfying. 

Another day date with A.

I have another date planned with A. tomorrow. I have been looking forward to it all week long and have butterflies in my stomach when I think of him and I spending the day together. I have been analyzing my feelins for the last few weeks and I have come to realize that I am definitely falling for A. What I feel for him is completely unlike what I feel for any of my other lovers (most of whom you know nothing about as I only want to write about A.!). The way I see it is, I have two choices:

1) I can end it because it is getting emotional and it might lead to a messy affair. 

2) I can pursue it and tread carefully. By this I mean be careful and mindful of my feelings. I can indulge in A. while reminding myself of who I am and what I want in my life. 

What I want is to be married to my husband. My marriage is strong and very loving. We are building a wonderful life together and I am heavily invested in the relationship. I want to have a family with this man and grow old with him and no other. I also need to remember that my relationship with A. only works because of our respective situations. It works because we are both married to other people. If he were to separate from his wife and suddenly decide that he wants more with me, I would feel compelled to end it as that would directly threaten my marriage. This works both ways. Therefore, what I have with A. is perfect as it is. If within the limited extent of our relationship, we both develop feelings, so be it. Let this be one more experience for me to learn from and to look back upon with a smile as I am old and gray. 

The only thing that I wonder is whether we will be satisfied with our relationship as it is. Will one of us ever want more? 

Levels of guilt

I had a very interesting weekend filled with adventures which prompted me to give some thought to the notion of guilt and its pervasive effect on our feelings, attitude and stress level. I spent the weekend with good friends celebrating a happy event. A mix of alcohol and the lack of presence from my friends' spouses led to what is, according to me, mild straying behavior. For once and to everyone's surprise, I did not take part in this action. Instead, people who are inherently happy in their  respective relationships and who believe in the importance and respect of monogamy, got it on with eachother. The drama ensuing the next morning led me to wonder what makes people who have no desire to cheat and who genuinely feel guilty about it engage in this kind of behavior. For me, cheating is part of who I am and I have come to recognize that this fact can not be ignored. In fact, ignoring this part of myself would render me completely and utterly miserable and would be detrimental to my marriage. I feel no guilt about the act of cheating. Instead, what I would feel guilty about would be the pain that the discovery of my cheating would inflict on my husband whom I love dearly. For my friends, the mere act of kissing someone besides their spouse makes them feel so utterly guilty that they make a mess of their relationship. They cry, dwell, stress and act completely crazy. The act of cheating becomes a secret too heavy for them to carry and hide and eventually they feel compelled to confess. Why would they cheat in the first place?

The events also got me thinking about whether I was normal for not feeling any guilt about my numerous indecencies. What I do on a regular basis is so much worse than what they did once.

What makes me different? Again, I don't have the answers.