The end of an affair

I spent yesterday evening with A. We met at our regular hotel and spent a late night together. Everything was wonderful and perfect until about midnight when his phone started ringing. I asked him if he needed to check it and he said that he knew it was his wife. He ignored the first call. And the second, and the third, and the fourth as well as all the little rings indicating text messages. On the fifth ring in a row, I started to get freaked out. She was calling incessantly. He put his phone on silent but I saw that the blinking light, indicating her calls, never died down. We both got ready to leave as this completely messed with my head. He apologized and said that she has had a feeling that he was having an affair and probably went through his things. On his way home, he called to make sure that I was ok. I am the one wanting to make sure that he is ok. I had a horrible night sleep having nightmares that he got kicked out of his home or that his wife found his private email account.

The only thing that could mess up what A. and I have is precisely this. It is one of us getting caught. I don't want to sound complacent and I guess that anything can happen but I don't think I will ever get caught. As long as I follow the rules and I continue being careful, I will get away with it. This is actually one of the things that I do feel guilty about. The fact that my husband trusts me so completely that to him, the mere idea that I could carry on an affair is simply unthinkable. I feel guilty for projecting this image of the innocent and devoted wife to him and to his family. If I were ever to get caught, it is that deception that would be hardest to live with for my loved ones. I know that they would feel like they never really knew me at all. Which is not untrue for I only let them see what I know they wish to see. I am what they wish for me to be. Although that is the life that I chose, it sometimes feels like I can't breathe and through straying, I find the comfort of being myself again. 

There must be something that A. is doing at home that arises suspicion in his wife. Perhaps he is on the phone too much. Maybe he is distracted or no longer shows interest in having sex with her. Maybe he simply stopped caring and projecting the image of the husband she wants him to be. Women are very intuitive and know their husbands well. 

I am literally sitting by the phone waiting for news from A. I hope and pray that he was able to make it alright with his wife. An affair is by definition, an extracurricular activity. Our families must always be put first. I am afraid that A. and I will have to cool it down in an effort to repair his marriage.

Affairs never end well. And they always end.