I have another date planned with A. tomorrow. I have been looking forward to it all week long and have butterflies in my stomach when I think of him and I spending the day together. I have been analyzing my feelins for the last few weeks and I have come to realize that I am definitely falling for A. What I feel for him is completely unlike what I feel for any of my other lovers (most of whom you know nothing about as I only want to write about A.!). The way I see it is, I have two choices:
1) I can end it because it is getting emotional and it might lead to a messy affair.
2) I can pursue it and tread carefully. By this I mean be careful and mindful of my feelings. I can indulge in A. while reminding myself of who I am and what I want in my life.
What I want is to be married to my husband. My marriage is strong and very loving. We are building a wonderful life together and I am heavily invested in the relationship. I want to have a family with this man and grow old with him and no other. I also need to remember that my relationship with A. only works because of our respective situations. It works because we are both married to other people. If he were to separate from his wife and suddenly decide that he wants more with me, I would feel compelled to end it as that would directly threaten my marriage. This works both ways. Therefore, what I have with A. is perfect as it is. If within the limited extent of our relationship, we both develop feelings, so be it. Let this be one more experience for me to learn from and to look back upon with a smile as I am old and gray.
The only thing that I wonder is whether we will be satisfied with our relationship as it is. Will one of us ever want more?
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