As everything is about to change..

Olivia:

"What we have, it's a lot. But it's not enough".

A:

"I know what you mean. I want everything with you. Do you want everything with me"?

Olivia:

"Yes. I want evenings and nights, weekends and holidays. A life and not one made of stolen moments".

A:

"I am so in love with you".

One year later and everything had changed

I have started writing this post numerous times and I keep saving it in my drafts without ever finishing it. Some entries seem to write themselves and others, well, not so much. 

A and I have been "together" for over a year making it my longest affair. For the first time in both of our lifetimes, we are exclusive lovers. There are no others. We are completely open and honest about everything, about our needs, our desires, our hopes for the future and even about our sex lives with our respective spouses. This honesty is sometimes brutal and painful but it is how we have managed to remain sane through my pregnancy. It has allowed us to really evaluate what we are, what we mean to one another, what we want out of our relationship and where we are willing to take that relationship. Truth be told, I have grown so close to A during my pregnancy that it sometimes feels as though we are going through it together. I suppose we are despite him not being the father of my child. He has shown me nothing but unconditional love and unwavering support.

I could easily spend my entire life with my husband and be reasonably happy. My husband is a great man, loyal, honest and hard working and there is a lot of love in our relationship. However, what I have discovered and learned through loving A, is that my husband and I are not and were probably never, in love. By being in love, I don't just mean the passion and the lust which is definitely lacking in my marriage but rather, a deep acceptance of the other for who they really are coupled with a overwhelming sense of need for them to be happy, regardless of your own happiness. The selflessness that comes with unconditional love and acceptance of the other is something that I have never felt for my husband and something that he certainly does not feel for me. In fact, I have spent over a decade hiding parts of my personality in order to fit this idea of what my husband thinks that I should be. Our love and marriage are both, conditional. These conditions have prevented me from being myself. That was always something that I was willing to live with. I have started to question that now with A. Can you really have it all with just one person? 

If I were not expecting a child in less than two months, I would find myself at a crossroads. Do I stay on this path that I have chosen with my husband or do I leap and start over with A. 

For now, I am putting my focus on my marriage in an attempt to provide the most loving and stable environment for a child to be born. My relationship with my husband is stronger and more peaceful than it was before the pregnancy. We are both entering this new phase of our lives with calm and happiness. We help each other, support each other and are generally a great team. 

A is probably the great love of my life. We will probably find a way to be together one day. But that will have to wait because I am about to meet a little boy who might just eclipse all the other men in my life :)