The limits of an affair

A. and I had a bit of a heart to heart over the weekend. I admitted to him that I was unable to be unemotional about our affair and that it felt completely different from any other affair I had ever had in the past. I told him that that fact scared me and that I did not know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

I try to keep a safe distance from my lovers. I don't give too much of myself over to them. D. even says that I have a code of silence, where I will purposely prevent myself from revealing too much personal information in an attempt to avoid intimacy from being formed in the relationship. I tend to keep things pretty straightforward and simple. I don't give out my phone number or my full name. I don't talk about my husband or my marriage. I keep email communication centered around the topic of sex and fantasies of what we wish to do to each other during the next encounter. I don't text and I don't call and I don't even email every day. I see J. every two weeks and the others only once in a while when it is convenient and careful for me to do so. I am a planner and do not act on a whim. I am very guarded and protective of my heart. I feel that as long as I keep things simple and unemotional, I will be able to handle everything with limited risk. 

Since A. has come into my life, everything has been turned upside down. A. is warm and loving. He makes me feel cared for. I am breaking all the rules in this affair. We have been meeting every week for entire days. We share meals together and spend time talking and driving around. We want to go on dates and sit across from each other having dinner. We talk on the phone and we text every day. When I told him that I was unable to keep myself detached from this affair, he said that he hoped that I would never be able to. When I told him that I felt more with him than with any other, he didn't get scared, instead, he loved it. When I said that I was scared about this, he answered that he would never hurt me and would protect me from any potential negative consequences of our affair. He said that despite the obvious limits imposed on our relationship, he didn't see why, within those limits, our relationship couldn't be unlimited. 

Is he trying to make me fall in love with him?

Another day date with A.

I have another date planned with A. tomorrow. I have been looking forward to it all week long and have butterflies in my stomach when I think of him and I spending the day together. I have been analyzing my feelins for the last few weeks and I have come to realize that I am definitely falling for A. What I feel for him is completely unlike what I feel for any of my other lovers (most of whom you know nothing about as I only want to write about A.!). The way I see it is, I have two choices:

1) I can end it because it is getting emotional and it might lead to a messy affair. 

2) I can pursue it and tread carefully. By this I mean be careful and mindful of my feelings. I can indulge in A. while reminding myself of who I am and what I want in my life. 

What I want is to be married to my husband. My marriage is strong and very loving. We are building a wonderful life together and I am heavily invested in the relationship. I want to have a family with this man and grow old with him and no other. I also need to remember that my relationship with A. only works because of our respective situations. It works because we are both married to other people. If he were to separate from his wife and suddenly decide that he wants more with me, I would feel compelled to end it as that would directly threaten my marriage. This works both ways. Therefore, what I have with A. is perfect as it is. If within the limited extent of our relationship, we both develop feelings, so be it. Let this be one more experience for me to learn from and to look back upon with a smile as I am old and gray. 

The only thing that I wonder is whether we will be satisfied with our relationship as it is. Will one of us ever want more? 

Fun and games

I just spent another full day with A. These are definitely bad for me. My lovers are a hobby, they are all fun and games and no negative feelings should arise from an encounter. When I left the hotel and A. and I parted ways and walked to opposite sides of the parking lot, I was left with feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness. This is fascinating in its newness. I have never felt this way after an encounter before. I usually drive all the way home with a silly smile on my face and sexy images on my mind. Today, I just felt sad. I am definitely not protecting my heart with A. as I have been so careful to do with J., my only other long-term lover. A. makes me unravel, melt and break all of my rules. He makes me want to eliminate all others lovers so that I can focus solely on pleasing, pleasuring and cater to him. He makes me want to share details of my life and my days. He drives me crazy in every way. He makes me feel like I am special. That is where the problem lies. Not that J. doesn't make me feel appreciated but A. makes me feel like I am important to him, like I have been missing from his life. That is where it gets dangerous. My walls are slowly caving in and my heart is opening to A. I need to get a better grip, to take control and to prevent myself from falling for him. I need rehab. Damn him.

What makes me this way?

I have had a penchant for adultery ever since I can remember. I love getting to know someone and I tend to find something to like in everyone that I meet. I have often felt attraction towards multiple men at once. I have even been in love with more than one man at one time. I like and love different people for different traits and qualities. I can remember being 17 years old, in my first long-term relationship with someone I had deep feelings for and still not being able to stay away from my very first lover. I used to tell myself that flirting and kissing was alright as long as I didn't sleep with men. When I began sleeping with men other than my boyfriends, I used to argue that I would stop when I got married and that as a married woman I would be mature and faithful. 

Therefore, I don't recall ever being truly monogamous. Despite long stretches of faithfulness, I have always fallen back into my flirty, adulterous ways. I always wonder what makes me this way? Why can't I find satisfaction in a monogamous relationship that is happy, strong, stable and loving? Of all things, why do I seek out relationships with men that are based in fantasy, that are exciting but fleeting?

I don't have the answers but through introspection and experience, I have come to understand a few things about who I am. There has always been a duality in me. There is the ''me'' which my friends, my colleagues, my family and my husband have come to know and love. This is my public personality. I am considerate, loyal, generous and someone they can depend on. I am sweet and sometimes shy which gives me an aura of innocence. Then, there is the ''me'' that I only I know fully. The ''me'' that I choose to share little bits of with certain friends and lovers. My private personality and my dark side. I am restless, easily bored and in constant search of mental and physical stimulation. I am a natural flirt and know how to use my charm and my wit to manipulate and get attention. 

Duality is an integral part of who I am and as much as I try to ignore one side of my personality, I can't hide from it. I am dangerous and vulnerable. I want to be nurtured but remain fiercely independent. I want the safety and stability of my marriage and the excitement and exhuberance of an affair with someone new. The only way that I have been able to manage my dual personalities is to lead two lives. 

My new favorite...

In an attempt to keep my life in order and prevent things from getting messy and out of control, I cheat by following a set of relatively strict rules. I say ''relatively'' because let's be honest, I have been known to break rules from time to time. I am a sucker for excitement and danger, what can I do? I mostly abide by my rules which I have drafted in an effort to keep me safe but more importantly, sane. Those rules revolve around being selective about how much of myself I share with men. I try not to build intimacy in order to prevent the development of feelings. I like to believe that although I may share my body with men, my heart belongs to my husband. I tend to limit the personal information that I share and I never ever allow men to text me or call me. I have broken most of these rules with A.

A. is my new favorite. Things have progressed quickly and I can not believe that I was considering never meeting him in person just a few weeks ago. In fact, my first conversation with A. began out of boredom and a desire to be entertained. We shared witty and sexy emails back and forth during a lazy friday afternoon where neither of us was actually doing any work in the office. We discovered that we had a lot in common despite a significant age difference. A. is warm and completely open. He shares stories and feelings without being careful or holding back. He is funny and constantly makes me laugh. He is passionate, giving and caring.

A. is a passionate kisser. When his lips touch mine, I can feel his desire. He skillfully uses his tongue and nibbles on my bottom lip while kissing me. He draws me in. He holds me close and he teases me like no other lover has done before. He will put his hands on me so slowly and graze my skin with his fingers. He inches his way from my leg to my thigh and softly touches me closer and closer to where I need to feel him. When his fingers reach my wetness, he is still moving painfully and deliciously slow. Everything about the way he fucks me is exactly right. It is like he was meant for me. Or maybe he can read my mind. His sensuality turns me on and the way he combines passion, sweetness and roughness is something I will be touching myself to for years to come.

The week we first met, we spent two evenings together. We talk everyday. Often texting throughout the day. I can't get enough of him. My heart pounds in my chest when he writes about how badly he wants me. I can feel myself unraveling. This is the first time that I feel that a man is slowly breaking through the protective walls that I have created around myself. Walls made of rules, self-control and compartmentalization. What will become of me through my affair with A. I have yet to figure out. However, I know that I want to find out.

A. is dangerous. But I have been known to live dangerously.

Meet J.

J. is my old favorite. He is the first man I was with after getting married. He is sophisticated, intelligent, witty, successful and very sexy. We met on AM and exchanged a series of steamy emails that eventually led to a coffee and then a first encounter in an upscale hotel outside Montreal. One of the things that I liked about J. was that he always seemed to know exactly what to say and do to turn me on. I was still fairly new to AM back then and had shared some correspondence with a few men, most of which I would qualify as sleazy. Unlike these other men, J. offered to take me to a nice hotel for our first encounter. We shared a bottle of wine and took our time getting comfortable and letting the anticipation build. Despite the fact that we both knew what we were there for, J. never made me feel cheap and that was a big turn on. Don't get me wrong, J. is not a sentimental man, he is not affectionate and there is never a doubt that this relationship is strictly about exploring and pushing our sexual boundaries. Still, he knows how to make a woman feel sexy, valued and cared for, within the context of the affair. That is what I appreciate the most about J. 

That and the magnificient way in which he teases me and fucks me. It is like he can read my mind. He teases me by preventing me from moving too fast. He likes the build up, the foreplay, the sexual games. He is a dominant man and I suspect that he fucks me the way he would never fuck his wife. When we are together, he is in charge. He surprises me with pain and then eases that pain with pleasure. He is passionate and rough. He knows what he wants and how he wants to take it. 

He thrills me, excites me, pleases me and pushes my limits constantly. For all those things, J. is my old favorite. One day, I will introduce you to A., my new favorite.