Fun and games

I just spent another full day with A. These are definitely bad for me. My lovers are a hobby, they are all fun and games and no negative feelings should arise from an encounter. When I left the hotel and A. and I parted ways and walked to opposite sides of the parking lot, I was left with feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness. This is fascinating in its newness. I have never felt this way after an encounter before. I usually drive all the way home with a silly smile on my face and sexy images on my mind. Today, I just felt sad. I am definitely not protecting my heart with A. as I have been so careful to do with J., my only other long-term lover. A. makes me unravel, melt and break all of my rules. He makes me want to eliminate all others lovers so that I can focus solely on pleasing, pleasuring and cater to him. He makes me want to share details of my life and my days. He drives me crazy in every way. He makes me feel like I am special. That is where the problem lies. Not that J. doesn't make me feel appreciated but A. makes me feel like I am important to him, like I have been missing from his life. That is where it gets dangerous. My walls are slowly caving in and my heart is opening to A. I need to get a better grip, to take control and to prevent myself from falling for him. I need rehab. Damn him.