Weekend withdrawal

Hey baby, 

I should be getting ready for dinner but I miss you so much. 

I kinda feel like lying on the couch under a warm blanket, watching sappy romantic movies and eating ice cream ;)

That's what happens when you are far away from me... Your absence encourages this kind of love-sick withdrawal behavior. 

In everything I do, in all my thoughts and everything I feel.....there's you. 

You might be my favorite person of all time ;)

I saw this quote somewhere and felt like this was exactly what you have done to me. 

"You’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart".

Valentine's Day

I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day. Other than the occasional dinner out and the ''Happy Valentine's Day baby'' upon waking, it's never been a particularly big or important thing in my life. No Valentine's Day really stands out in my mind....until now. 

A and I had arranged to celebrate with our spouses on the 15th which left the 14th wide open for us to spend time together. We were both giddy and excited all week as we prepared and thought of little gestures for each other. I knew that the day would be special but I had no idea how much thought A would put into making it a day that showed me how much he cared. A picked me up from home a little later than we had planned. When I got in the car, he apologized for being late but said that he had already checked into the hotel room at our usual meeting place. I smiled at him and he was beaming as he drove a little too fast, excited to get there. He opened the door to our room and on the desk sat a dozen white roses. They were beautiful and although he knew that I wouldn't be able to take them home with me, he said he couldn't help himself. The intoxicating sweet smell of roses was subtle throughout the room as he had spread rose petals on the bed, on the floor and on the desk. He had brought a small bottle of champagne knowing that I wouldn't drink more than a few sips and it sat on the desk next to the roses. It was the most romantic scene I had ever been a part of. What made it really special was that A had stuck pink heart shaped post its all around the room. There were some on the walls, stuck to lamps, the bedpost and around the mirror in the bathroom. As I walked through the room, I realized that each one of them had a little note written on it. There must have been fifty heart shaped love notes spread out about the room. Some were heartfelt, some funny and some sexy. As I got closer to the desk to read the ones stuck to the mirror, I noticed a card placed on the side, with my name on it. A came up behind me and said that not only was that card for me, but the one on the bedside table was mine too, and the one on the bed as well as the one in the frame by the bed. He had written me four Valentine's Day cards since he couldn't pick the one that he liked the most. 

As he opened the champagne bottle, I sat on the bed, happy and giddy and started opening the first card. I asked him to come sit by me and open his gift and his card. We read our love notes cuddling and smiling like excited children never letting go of each other. We spent the whole day wrapped around one another, making love and enjoying the sickening romance of the day :)

As I gathered my things to leave, I took down every single sticky note from the walls and kept them with me. They are sitting by me now as I write this post. 

My favorite one says: You have totally changed me and I will be forever grateful. 

Happy Valentine's Day. 

Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for this year. This holiday is one of my favorites since it is a day where my family and I consciously experience and feel gratitude not only for the big things that we have been blessed with, but also for all the small daily events that add to our lives and make us happy. 

I always find that the act of consciously reflecting on all that we have rather than focusing on what we lack makes our lives so much more fulfilling. 

This year, I am thankful for love. I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life and to be able to give back that love, in different forms to those who mean so much to me. 

I may have many flaws, I may do things that are misunderstood by most people and I may have many secrets but, I have an endless capacity for love and I give that love freely, without expectations or demands, without selfishness or self-interest. I believe that people should know what makes them special to you and that by giving love, you open yourself up to receiving love back. 

Isn't that all we really want out of life? 

And I strongly believe that life is too short to leave important and powerful words unsaid. 

So today, on Thanksgiving, I am grateful to be able to love and be loved because that is what adds color to my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

xox

I love you

Olivia:
You know, when we first met and I realized how intense this thing was, I told myself that I would make it a summer fling. I thought I would end it when I went back to work and it would remain a summer love story. And now, here we are, at the end and I will never break up with you. I can't break up with you. I like you way too much.

A:
I love you.

Olivia:
 ......

A:
You know I do...

Olivia:
Say it again.

A:
I love you Olivia.

Falling really really really hard

For the last few weeks, I have been on vacation from work and have been visiting family in the part of town where A. lives. This has made it really convenient for us to see each other randomly without having to put so much thought into planning an encounter. Yesterday, A. was on his way back home from a work meeting and I texted him that I missed him and that I needed to see him soon. He replied: "How about right now"?. We met and went for a car ride. I didn't have much time but A. and I always say that we would take seeing one another for five minutes over nothing at all. As we were sitting in the car, kissing and talking, A. pulled me to him and said: I am so attracted to you. I told him that that wasn't a bad thing since this ridiculous chemistry (which he called explosive) is mutually felt. He said that he was way too crazy about me. Then, he rested his head against the seat with that pondering and almost sad look he gets sometimes and said that he was beginning to crack. I asked him what he meant by that and he replied: "I am falling really really really hard". He said that he didn't want to lose me from his life. 

I told him that I felt the same way and that I didn't want to fight it anymore. He had told me once to embrace the feelings, that that is easier than fighting them. I reminded him of that. He said that he usually is very good at managing his emotions but that he is unable to with me. He told me that I had stirred feelings in him like no other woman ever has.

We kissed and hugged and eventually, I held his face in my hands and told him that I didn't know what would be so wrong about us loving each other. We already have sex and cheat on our spouses..... What we are doing is already wrong. 

I have been dying to tell A. how I truly feel. However, I am so afraid of saying those words to him. I want him to tell me first. I know we both feel it....

Twists and turns

I had been thinking of this blog long before I ever wrote its first word. In fact, over the past year, I have been imagining what this blog would be like and how much of myself I would share. I felt the urge to write things down. I needed a space to think, reflect and understand what I was going through. Initially, I wanted this to be about my experiences on AM, about the men I met there and my predisposition to adultery. As is typical with life in general, the plans we make for ourselves are full of twists and turns and nothing happens exactly as we had initially imagined. 

I started writing this blog in May, the same month that A. and I met. Hence, I fear that my aspirations for this blog are now being replaced by a love story. The type of love story which is unfolding hasn't yet been defined. Will it be the story of unrequited love? Will it fizzle out as quickly as it began? We'll have to wait and see. 

A. is away on holiday with his family. We write to each other once a day. I thought I would share some of those messages until he returns and I have some real stories to write about :)

Olivia: You left and I am already craving you... These are going to be the longest 10 days of my existence ;)
I crave your kiss....the delicious way you hold me close when you press your lips to mine....the passion you make me feel when you pull me to you is something I touch myself to all the time ;)
You are the only man who makes me wet with just a kiss...
When you are standing in front of me, I am always intensely drawn to you and the attraction that I feel is stronger than anything I have felt for any other man before and it is positively impossible for me not to kiss you.
I crave your touch...I love the way that my body responds to you....I love this way that you have of teasing my nipples with your mouth and tongue....you make me so wet from the smallest things and you keep me wet, you turn me on endlessly.....you fuck me so well...sometimes I feel you so deep inside me and the pleasure is almost too much for me to handle.....you do something to me that no one has ever done before.....you make me want to give you everything.....I want you to take me......every and any way that you want......I want you to fuck me hard, use me for your pleasure, I want you to make me yours.....I want you to make love to me....I want you to give me everything.... I want it all, I want you. 


A:
I've been reading your email over and over. Wow. I feel like nothing I can write can possibly convey how moved and deeply touched I am by everything that you wrote. Just know that everything that you describe, I feel it too. You stir feelings and emotions in me that I haven't felt in what seems like forever. And I really never expected it. You surprise me every day. You amaze me constantly. I am insanely attracted to you. I miss you every moment we are apart. I can't possibly put into words how happy I am to have met you. I know we talk and joke about when it will all end, but the truth is it pains me to think about that. I just push it away, block it off. You make me so happy and that's all that matters to me right now.  You never leave my thoughts. I can't wait to be with you again. Take care love. 

Losing my mind over A.

Summer in the world of adulterous relationships can be a little complicated. Families take time off from work, go away on holidays and the calendar is generally filled with events which can make cheating a little more tricky.

Somehow, A. and I are making it work. I went away with my husband last week and he is leaving with his family next week so we are making the most of these few days in between. We have already seen each other twice this week and are planning to meet once more before he leaves. Yesterday, I admitted to him that he was the best lover I have ever had. He told me that I have ruined him for all others since no one has ever pleased him as much as I have. 

I am losing my mind over this man. I have broken all of my rules. We share everything about our lives....Still, I feel safe with him. I know that he would never do anything to hurt me or to put my marriage at risk. We have some guidelines which we follow with regards to texting and emailing in order to safeguard our marriages but otherwise, all rules are out. This week, we jokingly asked eachother what were the rules on seeing one another almost every day and I replied that the rule book said to do whatever the hell we want. We even admitted that we were developing feelings towards one another. 

We were talking about what would happen to us when my husband and I decided to start a family. I was explaining to him that in a sense, I was glad that our affair had an expiry date or at least, a major road block which would slow us down since I was afraid that we would become too entangled in eachother. He asked me if I was worried that we would fall madly in love with eachother. I said that that scared me a lot. 

What I didn't say was that I am already in love with him. I've read somewhere that if you think that you are in love with someone, then you are. Because that is what love is....just a feeling. When A. and I have sex, sometimes it is so intense and I feel so much that I feel like my heart is about to explode. I see the intensity in his eyes, I feel it in the way he holds onto me....in the way he will intertwine his fingers with mine....Two weeks ago, during a particularly intense moment where A. was fucking me, I was writhing in pleasure beneath him and I asked him what he was doing to me because I felt like I was about to lose my mind....he answered: I am loving you....I am giving you everything. I have never felt this way during sex before....with anyone....not even with my husband. What I feel for A. is a mix of intense lust and incredible attraction coupled with such strong feelings of affection. I struggle to understand what this is, what we have.....but then it is all so wonderful that I try my best not to overanalyze it for fear that it might lose its magic. 

I am slowly weeding out my other lovers. D. has moved away. I still care for J. but I no longer feel the desire I used to feel before. I am completely consumed by A. He leaves no room for anyone else. 

The limits of an affair

A. and I had a bit of a heart to heart over the weekend. I admitted to him that I was unable to be unemotional about our affair and that it felt completely different from any other affair I had ever had in the past. I told him that that fact scared me and that I did not know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. 

I try to keep a safe distance from my lovers. I don't give too much of myself over to them. D. even says that I have a code of silence, where I will purposely prevent myself from revealing too much personal information in an attempt to avoid intimacy from being formed in the relationship. I tend to keep things pretty straightforward and simple. I don't give out my phone number or my full name. I don't talk about my husband or my marriage. I keep email communication centered around the topic of sex and fantasies of what we wish to do to each other during the next encounter. I don't text and I don't call and I don't even email every day. I see J. every two weeks and the others only once in a while when it is convenient and careful for me to do so. I am a planner and do not act on a whim. I am very guarded and protective of my heart. I feel that as long as I keep things simple and unemotional, I will be able to handle everything with limited risk. 

Since A. has come into my life, everything has been turned upside down. A. is warm and loving. He makes me feel cared for. I am breaking all the rules in this affair. We have been meeting every week for entire days. We share meals together and spend time talking and driving around. We want to go on dates and sit across from each other having dinner. We talk on the phone and we text every day. When I told him that I was unable to keep myself detached from this affair, he said that he hoped that I would never be able to. When I told him that I felt more with him than with any other, he didn't get scared, instead, he loved it. When I said that I was scared about this, he answered that he would never hurt me and would protect me from any potential negative consequences of our affair. He said that despite the obvious limits imposed on our relationship, he didn't see why, within those limits, our relationship couldn't be unlimited. 

Is he trying to make me fall in love with him?

Fun and games

I just spent another full day with A. These are definitely bad for me. My lovers are a hobby, they are all fun and games and no negative feelings should arise from an encounter. When I left the hotel and A. and I parted ways and walked to opposite sides of the parking lot, I was left with feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness. This is fascinating in its newness. I have never felt this way after an encounter before. I usually drive all the way home with a silly smile on my face and sexy images on my mind. Today, I just felt sad. I am definitely not protecting my heart with A. as I have been so careful to do with J., my only other long-term lover. A. makes me unravel, melt and break all of my rules. He makes me want to eliminate all others lovers so that I can focus solely on pleasing, pleasuring and cater to him. He makes me want to share details of my life and my days. He drives me crazy in every way. He makes me feel like I am special. That is where the problem lies. Not that J. doesn't make me feel appreciated but A. makes me feel like I am important to him, like I have been missing from his life. That is where it gets dangerous. My walls are slowly caving in and my heart is opening to A. I need to get a better grip, to take control and to prevent myself from falling for him. I need rehab. Damn him.