Losing my mind over A.

Summer in the world of adulterous relationships can be a little complicated. Families take time off from work, go away on holidays and the calendar is generally filled with events which can make cheating a little more tricky.

Somehow, A. and I are making it work. I went away with my husband last week and he is leaving with his family next week so we are making the most of these few days in between. We have already seen each other twice this week and are planning to meet once more before he leaves. Yesterday, I admitted to him that he was the best lover I have ever had. He told me that I have ruined him for all others since no one has ever pleased him as much as I have. 

I am losing my mind over this man. I have broken all of my rules. We share everything about our lives....Still, I feel safe with him. I know that he would never do anything to hurt me or to put my marriage at risk. We have some guidelines which we follow with regards to texting and emailing in order to safeguard our marriages but otherwise, all rules are out. This week, we jokingly asked eachother what were the rules on seeing one another almost every day and I replied that the rule book said to do whatever the hell we want. We even admitted that we were developing feelings towards one another. 

We were talking about what would happen to us when my husband and I decided to start a family. I was explaining to him that in a sense, I was glad that our affair had an expiry date or at least, a major road block which would slow us down since I was afraid that we would become too entangled in eachother. He asked me if I was worried that we would fall madly in love with eachother. I said that that scared me a lot. 

What I didn't say was that I am already in love with him. I've read somewhere that if you think that you are in love with someone, then you are. Because that is what love is....just a feeling. When A. and I have sex, sometimes it is so intense and I feel so much that I feel like my heart is about to explode. I see the intensity in his eyes, I feel it in the way he holds onto me....in the way he will intertwine his fingers with mine....Two weeks ago, during a particularly intense moment where A. was fucking me, I was writhing in pleasure beneath him and I asked him what he was doing to me because I felt like I was about to lose my mind....he answered: I am loving you....I am giving you everything. I have never felt this way during sex before....with anyone....not even with my husband. What I feel for A. is a mix of intense lust and incredible attraction coupled with such strong feelings of affection. I struggle to understand what this is, what we have.....but then it is all so wonderful that I try my best not to overanalyze it for fear that it might lose its magic. 

I am slowly weeding out my other lovers. D. has moved away. I still care for J. but I no longer feel the desire I used to feel before. I am completely consumed by A. He leaves no room for anyone else.