Weekend withdrawal

Hey baby, 

I should be getting ready for dinner but I miss you so much. 

I kinda feel like lying on the couch under a warm blanket, watching sappy romantic movies and eating ice cream ;)

That's what happens when you are far away from me... Your absence encourages this kind of love-sick withdrawal behavior. 

In everything I do, in all my thoughts and everything I feel.....there's you. 

You might be my favorite person of all time ;)

I saw this quote somewhere and felt like this was exactly what you have done to me. 

"You’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart".

Valentine's Day

I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day. Other than the occasional dinner out and the ''Happy Valentine's Day baby'' upon waking, it's never been a particularly big or important thing in my life. No Valentine's Day really stands out in my mind....until now. 

A and I had arranged to celebrate with our spouses on the 15th which left the 14th wide open for us to spend time together. We were both giddy and excited all week as we prepared and thought of little gestures for each other. I knew that the day would be special but I had no idea how much thought A would put into making it a day that showed me how much he cared. A picked me up from home a little later than we had planned. When I got in the car, he apologized for being late but said that he had already checked into the hotel room at our usual meeting place. I smiled at him and he was beaming as he drove a little too fast, excited to get there. He opened the door to our room and on the desk sat a dozen white roses. They were beautiful and although he knew that I wouldn't be able to take them home with me, he said he couldn't help himself. The intoxicating sweet smell of roses was subtle throughout the room as he had spread rose petals on the bed, on the floor and on the desk. He had brought a small bottle of champagne knowing that I wouldn't drink more than a few sips and it sat on the desk next to the roses. It was the most romantic scene I had ever been a part of. What made it really special was that A had stuck pink heart shaped post its all around the room. There were some on the walls, stuck to lamps, the bedpost and around the mirror in the bathroom. As I walked through the room, I realized that each one of them had a little note written on it. There must have been fifty heart shaped love notes spread out about the room. Some were heartfelt, some funny and some sexy. As I got closer to the desk to read the ones stuck to the mirror, I noticed a card placed on the side, with my name on it. A came up behind me and said that not only was that card for me, but the one on the bedside table was mine too, and the one on the bed as well as the one in the frame by the bed. He had written me four Valentine's Day cards since he couldn't pick the one that he liked the most. 

As he opened the champagne bottle, I sat on the bed, happy and giddy and started opening the first card. I asked him to come sit by me and open his gift and his card. We read our love notes cuddling and smiling like excited children never letting go of each other. We spent the whole day wrapped around one another, making love and enjoying the sickening romance of the day :)

As I gathered my things to leave, I took down every single sticky note from the walls and kept them with me. They are sitting by me now as I write this post. 

My favorite one says: You have totally changed me and I will be forever grateful. 

Happy Valentine's Day. 

Calm after mild drama

December was both a peculiar and particularily intense month for A and I. My husband went away on a business trip for the first two weeks of december and A and I had made big plans. We had lenghty discussions and plans about how to spend these two weeks. We wanted to maximize our time together and celebrate the holidays in our own private way by having somewhat of a special all-day event. A has been saving this fancy bottle of wine for a special occasion and he had told me in the summer that there was no one he would rather enjoy it than me. He had arranged to have all day to spend with me and part of the night as well which felt extravagant and got me elated for parts of october and all of november. In addition to our private Christmas party, we had planned to see one another almost every single week day, parts of the weekend and to experiment with kinkier (drunk) sex. It felt like a dream and was something we looked forward to for weeks. Then, a day before my husband was traveling, I found out I was pregnant. To say that this news rocked A and I would be an understatement. Our plans had to be completely altered. I was no longer able to drink. Kinky rough sex was now something I was no longer comfortable with. Morning sickness kicked in and I felt my sex drive drifting away more and more each passing day. Our two weeks of pure bliss were replaced with two weeks of me questionning everything and A feeling helpless faced with this sudden change in my mood. During those two weeks, A and I went through a plethora of emotions, we argued, got annoyed with each other, said the wrong things many times, cried and made up. 

As I sit here now writing this, after A and I just spent the day ringing in the new year together (we now have rituals of celebrating things together privately) I feel more confident than ever that A will always be in my life, in a big or small way. We had no special plans for today other than enjoying every minute of being together and wishing each other a happy new year. After we spent the afternoon tangled in one another, at first, in a hot bath, and then, in bed, we sat on my kitchen counter chairs kissing and talking softly. As the sun was setting and the dark set around us, we didn't move for an hour. We told each other how happy and lucky we feel to have this kind of love in our lives. How a love like ours has profoundly altered us as individuals and awakened something in ourselves that we didn't think existed. We spoke of resilience and undying faith in 'us', of a love that is unconditional and deep, unselfish and truly beautiful. We talked about that void that we both used to feel and the trifling things we used to fill it with, empty sex with strangers and manipulative games of seduction that we used to believe were simply part of who we were. We spoke of how jaded we both thought we were and how 'adulterer' was  a label that we thought was simply a part of our personality, how we though absolutely ludicrous and impossible the concept that one person could come to mean and be everything to us. We said silly things lovers say to each other... words and expressions that didn't mean anything to us before but that feel so real and sincere now. 

Our relationship will change and be altered by events occuring in our respective lives, the intensity of it will vary and many things remain unknown. But there is no way that A and I will ever leave each other's lives. This love has changed me and makes me want to be better. A inspires me to be the best version of me, to give myself to him unselfishly, without promises or commitments, simply because surrendering to the feeling of loving him and being loved by him is by far, the most beautiful, breathtaking and stunning experience of my life. 

Happy New Year :)

xox

Holding on to something

A came over yesterday for the afternoon. We had lunch together and talked about our Christmas plans and about how much we would miss each other during the holidays. After lunch, he pulled me up from my chair and brought me to the couch. His body over mine, A kissed me and began unbuttoning my blouse. Usually, his fingers brushing my chest would have me completely wet in an instant but yesterday, everything felt wrong. The smell of A, his scent mixed with his cologne, which I absolutely adore under normal circumstances, made my morning sickness worse and his eagerness to have me, which normally turns me on to no end, left me feeling numb and cold rather than hot and wet. Of course, A being so in tuned with my feelings, could sense the weirdness between us and tried to explain it and rationalize it. He said it was normal that I feel differently while going through something so immensely life changing as having a baby, that my morning sickness leaves me feeling down and that my desire for sex is far behind other concerns for now. 

While those are not untrue, I am also changing in a way that I did not expect and could not have predicted. I feel as though this pregnancy has helped me find my center again. I feel at peace with my life as though everything is happening as it should. I feel closer to my husband and I am happy and thankful every day that we are going through this crazy experience together. I am excited for the future with my husband which is something that I haven't felt in a long time. I also feel very blessed that I get the opportunity to experience being a mother and that leaves me with a feeling of responsibility that makes it difficult to keep doing the things that I used to do. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my relationship with A at the same intensity. It simply does not work. I feel that my mind and my heart are pulling me in the opposite direction. As much as I don't want to hurt A, I know that he feels it. He told me yesterday that he doesn't hold on to the dream that we will one day be together. He said that he knows that my love for him is real and deep and that I don't wish to cause him any pain but that I must always do whatever is best for myself. 

How will this translate for A and I....I have no idea. Lately, I wonder if we are simply holding on to something that is now missing. Perhaps this is temporary.....I guess we'll see. 

Our first argument

A:

You know, this is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever have to do.

Olivia:

What do you mean?

A:

I mean watching the one woman whom I love, who I am so certain is perfect for me and who I want to be with above all others, take her life in the complete opposite direction. 

Olivia:

We have to remember that this is what we signed up for A. We never told each other that we would leave our houses, that we would build a new life together. We never made any promises other than love one another harder than we had loved anyone else before.

A:

That's true, you're right. This is what we wanted. 

Olivia:

We are not in the same stage in our lives A. I am not ready to leave my husband. I am not ready to change my life. But that doesn't mean that I am happily married. I will always need more. And you've changed me....I will never want the same things again. I will never want empty sex with semi-strangers again. That has no appeal to me now. Not after you. I want you. But this.......you and me.....in this form....is it enough?

A:
I know you are not ready. I knew you weren't ready to leave even before you got pregnant. I would never ask anything from you. Even if this is all there ever is between us, it's more than enough. I just get so fucking scared Olivia. You are going to change....you are already changing. I am so scared to lose you. I am not ready to lose you baby. 

Olivia:
I love you A. I don't know how things will change but can't we just take it one day at a time? I rely on you, I need you to be my rock, I need you to tell me that we'll be ok. Tell me we'll be ok baby.

A:
I am not going anywhere baby. I promise you that. We'll be ok. I will wait for you as long as I have to, as long as you want me to. I love you. I always will. 

Morning sex

I kissed my husband good bye and my heart skipped a beat as the door closed and I picked up my phone to call A. He was already close by, picking up croissants and muffins for our very early morning date. I breathed him in when he kissed me and whispered good morning. My body was tingling and I could feel myself getting aroused with every kiss. He led me to the bedroom and pushed my back against the wall as he pressed his hard body into mine. Breakfast could wait. His tongue played with mine and his hands explored every curve of my body. He lifted my shirt and took my nipple into his mouth, softly biting it and making me moan. I closed my eyes and played softly with his hair as his hands stroked the inside of my thighs. I was dripping wet when he kneeled in front of me and kissed my clit. I moaned louder and started moving slowly against his tongue. My hands in his hair, I pulled him into me harder. When I felt my legs go weak, A walked me to the bed. He traced kisses all along my stomach until he reached my clit again. He circled it with his tongue as he put his index finger inside me. I felt myself get even wetter as he fingered me. When I felt him push another finger in my ass, I cried out in pleasure. My mind went completely blank and I was lost in the sensations as his tongue and fingers brought me closer and closer to the mind-blowing orgasm that only A gives me. With one finger pumping in and out of my wet pussy, A moved his tongue lower and began flicking it over my ass. I moved my fingers to my clit and started playing with myself for him to see. He moaned loudly as he pushed his tongue in and out of me. The feeling, combined with how naughty having my lover's tongue my ass always seems to me, sent me over the edge as my body tensed and I began feeling the delicious ripples of an intense orgasm flow through my entire body. I softly pushed A off me, turned over on my stomach and started to giggle. A climbed on top of me and I could feel his hard cock pushing against my back. He softly brushed my hair away from my neck and started slowly kissing me and biting me while he whispered how intense my orgasms felt to him. I couldn't speak, my body was indeed recovering from an earth shattering orgasm but I wanted more. I grabbed his cock and pressed it between my ass cheeks so that he could feel how wet he made me. He moaned and asked me if I wanted his cock inside me. I begged him to please fuck me as I needed to feel him closer to me. He grabbed his cock and pushed it inside me as I moaned and enjoyed the feeling of his cock slipping so easily in my dripping wet pussy. He moaned and said how tight and wet I felt on his cock as he pumped in and out of me faster. I begged him to take me hard, I was craving him and love-making wasn't enough. He obliged and began pushing into me harder with every stroke. He moaned louder, I screamed out in pleasure as he slapped my ass while fucking me from behind. I grabbed the edges of the bed and began moving my hips to meet his cock at every stroke. When I felt him getting close to orgasm, I pushed a finger in my ass for him to watch as he fucked me. That sent him over the edge as he pulled out of me and started cumming all over my ass and back making a mess of me. As we showered together and got cleaned up, A held me tightly under the hot water and said that there was no better way to start the day.