Calm after mild drama

December was both a peculiar and particularily intense month for A and I. My husband went away on a business trip for the first two weeks of december and A and I had made big plans. We had lenghty discussions and plans about how to spend these two weeks. We wanted to maximize our time together and celebrate the holidays in our own private way by having somewhat of a special all-day event. A has been saving this fancy bottle of wine for a special occasion and he had told me in the summer that there was no one he would rather enjoy it than me. He had arranged to have all day to spend with me and part of the night as well which felt extravagant and got me elated for parts of october and all of november. In addition to our private Christmas party, we had planned to see one another almost every single week day, parts of the weekend and to experiment with kinkier (drunk) sex. It felt like a dream and was something we looked forward to for weeks. Then, a day before my husband was traveling, I found out I was pregnant. To say that this news rocked A and I would be an understatement. Our plans had to be completely altered. I was no longer able to drink. Kinky rough sex was now something I was no longer comfortable with. Morning sickness kicked in and I felt my sex drive drifting away more and more each passing day. Our two weeks of pure bliss were replaced with two weeks of me questionning everything and A feeling helpless faced with this sudden change in my mood. During those two weeks, A and I went through a plethora of emotions, we argued, got annoyed with each other, said the wrong things many times, cried and made up. 

As I sit here now writing this, after A and I just spent the day ringing in the new year together (we now have rituals of celebrating things together privately) I feel more confident than ever that A will always be in my life, in a big or small way. We had no special plans for today other than enjoying every minute of being together and wishing each other a happy new year. After we spent the afternoon tangled in one another, at first, in a hot bath, and then, in bed, we sat on my kitchen counter chairs kissing and talking softly. As the sun was setting and the dark set around us, we didn't move for an hour. We told each other how happy and lucky we feel to have this kind of love in our lives. How a love like ours has profoundly altered us as individuals and awakened something in ourselves that we didn't think existed. We spoke of resilience and undying faith in 'us', of a love that is unconditional and deep, unselfish and truly beautiful. We talked about that void that we both used to feel and the trifling things we used to fill it with, empty sex with strangers and manipulative games of seduction that we used to believe were simply part of who we were. We spoke of how jaded we both thought we were and how 'adulterer' was  a label that we thought was simply a part of our personality, how we though absolutely ludicrous and impossible the concept that one person could come to mean and be everything to us. We said silly things lovers say to each other... words and expressions that didn't mean anything to us before but that feel so real and sincere now. 

Our relationship will change and be altered by events occuring in our respective lives, the intensity of it will vary and many things remain unknown. But there is no way that A and I will ever leave each other's lives. This love has changed me and makes me want to be better. A inspires me to be the best version of me, to give myself to him unselfishly, without promises or commitments, simply because surrendering to the feeling of loving him and being loved by him is by far, the most beautiful, breathtaking and stunning experience of my life. 

Happy New Year :)

xox