Yesterday, A. and I were in our own little world, wrapped up in each other and perfectly happy. Things were light, I was trying to make him feel better about something negative that happened in his professional life and so I was playful, funny and loving towards him because I knew that that was what he needed that day. As the afternoon went by, I felt his mood shift as he slowly got back to himself.
Today, things were heavier. I felt that A. was in denial in the face of the implications of the situation.
A. always says that his wife is not the right woman for him. He told me that he has accepted the fact that his marriage does not fulfill his needs and that he seeks that fulfillment elsewhere. He says that his wife is like a really good friend and that he stays married to her in order to give their child a stable family unit. However, I feel that he does embrace that family unit and despite the fact that he and his wife have many differences, he has chosen this life and he stands by it. He and his wife had tried for a second child for a very long time. They had tried everything, had hoped and lost, felt happiness and grief and had finally given up. A. always tells me how much he loves children and how he always wanted to have a bigger family, how he still wants another child. He told me early on that his wife, now 40, couldn't have children anymore and that seemed to be a source of disappointment and sadness to him. Therefore, yesterday, when he told me that his wife wanted to take a pregnancy test because she was late, I was expecting him to be, at the very least, slightly excited. Instead, he went on and on about how his wife was obviously going crazy. This morning, we spoke on the phone for a good ten minutes about random silly things before I finally asked him whether she took that test. He was still in denial and far from thrilled when he told me that the test was positive. Later this morning, he texted me and asked me to call him and that is when he told me that his wife was definitely pregnant and that she had gone to her doctor to be certain.
I was admittedly quite shocked but told him that I was happy for him since I thought that a second baby was something he had wanted very badly. He told me that he had mixed feelings about the situation and that hearing the emotion in my voice when he told me the news worried him. He said that he didn't want anything to change between us and that he was madly and completely in love with me. He told me twice that he felt the urge to run to me. I told him, in a lighthearted way, that running to me was not the appropriate response to finding out that your wife is pregnant. When I told him that having a second child with his wife would mean that he would probably be with her forever, he asked me why that mattered to me. I said that I liked the idea of us running away together, that the stories that he weaves about us when we are holding each other in the dark make my heart melt. He answered that he always tells himself that he and I are perfect as we are, that we are only this good because we are both in other relationship. I whispered in the phone that he was probably right about that. His voice grew sad when he answered:
"I don't know if I am right but it makes me feel better to think that. Because this love feels more real than anything that I have ever felt in my life".
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