When you believe what you want to believe

I have thankfully recovered from friday's incident and the dust seems to have settled at home. Granted, my weekend was rocky, my husband was terribly upset with me and I felt physically ill from the thought of him finding out what I was up to. I have never come so close to being discovered before. However, I truly believe that people believe what they want to believe and in this case, my husband wanted to believe that I was a faithful wife who told a white lie in order to avoid an argument. 

The whole event made me think about the importance of trust in the primary relationship as a key to a successful secret affair. When my husband caught me in a lie (which has never happened before), I got extremely worried that that trust would be compromised and that he would start inquiring into certain areas of my life that I would prefer he not be subjected to. For example, although I am generally good at keeping my affairs hidden, there are a few clues that, if he were really looking hard, my husband could find. A. and I text and talk on the phone. Every day. Those will show up in my phone records. I get them online and in the ten years that my husband and I have been together, he has never once asked to look at them. That might change if he were to become suspicious of me having an affair. 

Then there is the odd charge on my debit card. I once went for frozen yogurt with A. and had run out of cash and so charged it to debit. It is a private account, not shared with my husband for which I also get the statements online. There might be a few other charges of the sorts, nothing major and definitely no hotel transactions but still, if he were looking really hard, he would find something to catch me with.

Because my husband trusts me completely, he doesn't question my whereabouts, my working late a few nights a week, my two hour gym sessions on fridays, my bank statements or my phone records.

Since friday, A. and I have decided to be more careful and not let our desire to see one another get stronger than our desire to keep the peace in our respective homes. I will no longer take any silly risks and set the stage well in advance to cover my indiscretions. I will increase the frequency of my gym visits, of late nights at work, of after work shopping trips.... As Ryan so wisely told me (words that I have been pondering all weekend),  I will have to get caught not cheating in order to get away with cheating.