Coming undone

I first realized that A. would not be like other lovers fairly early on in our affair. The first time that I left an encounter with him with a heavy heart rather than a silly smile on my face, I understood that what we shared would be dangerous and that he already meant more to me than the other men in my life. That sadness that washes over me when we are parting ways, that seems to envelop me completely when I watch him walk away is laden with affection, dreams and expectations that will never materialize. Last friday was A.'s wedding anniversary. We had met for drinks earlier in the week and he had told me about his anniversary coming up. Since friday is usually our day, I told him that we should cancel our plans and that he should put his attention elsewhere. With any other lover, I would have never reconsidered that decision. However, when A. was kissing me passionately and telling me how much he had been looking forward to friday, I caved and we decided to meet albeit, not at his place but at a hotel nearby. 

That day, we had the hottest sex. A. was wilder than usual and his intensity turned me on like never before. He pulled my hair and fucked me hard and fast against the wall. We had sex twice, ordered some wine and spent a few hours together. When the afternoon was almost over, we got in the shower together and sensually soaped one another. We kissed and A. pulled me close to him under the hot water and I could feel a rush of emotions between us. That feeling of sadness took over and I whispered to him that sometimes I want all of him and not just a few stolen hours here and there. He held me closer and kissed me harder. I was struggling with the fact that we had met on that day.... Couldn't we stay away from each other for one day? He was going to leave me and go straight to dinner with his wife. I wondered how he could so easily leave me and walk right back into his life on such a meaningful day without having any negative feelings. 

Then, I unraveled. My heart grew heavier and heavier and I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't come undone every single time A. walks out of that hotel room door. The difference between A. and I is that having me in his life, makes his situation at home bearable while for me, being with him makes everything seem unbearable. I spent the weekend piecing myself back together slowly and reminding myself of who I am and of what I want out of my life. 

The outcome of that weekend, of the unraveling and the piecing back together was the decision to keep A. in my life (because who am I kidding, as though I would be able to call this off right now) but place less emphasis on the emotional side of our relationship. I want to focus on the amazing, mind blowing hot sex we are having and the fact that there are so many things we wish to explore together sexually. 

I told him about what I needed out of our relationship and about the fact that it was difficult for me to feel so much for someone other than my husband. I told him that he made everything else in my life seem colorless and that nothing seemed to compare to what I feel when I am with him. 

I asked him to pretend that our relationship was all about sex, that it was simple and easy and to stop talking about running away together and waking up together and going on holiday together.

It is because he makes me feel special and important that this messes with my head. He makes me feel like I am the only woman that really knows him and gets him, that can please him so completely...He tells me all the time that even at his age, he has never met anyone like me and that he never will again. Those words carve themselves in my heart and make an emotional mess of me. I have never met a man so open with his feelings before, so willing to share them with me and so caring and kind. 

After my long rambling email where I pleaded for us to focus on the sex and not on the emotions, he proceeded to send me the most emotional email ever:

"I want to tell you that I will not leave you. If we are to ever part ways permanently, it won't be my initiative. 
My experience allows me to know with certainty that there is nobody like you out there for me. I will not be able to replace you. Not with anyone that compares to you, no way. 
And since you have managed to fulfill all of my needs, since you have given me everything I could have hoped for AND MORE, I have no interest in leaving you and/or trying to replace you. 
You are my fantasy, yes. But you are also perfect in so many ways, and in every way that truly matters. 
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could find somebody that makes me feel the way you do. That means as much to me as you do. 
And while our respective lives will of course take many different turns, I truly believe that we can adapt and adjust to anything if we both want to. 
I love that about us. 
I believe in us. I really do. And that is why I feel the way I do. 
I love you Olivia. And regardless of what lies ahead, I always will. 
xxx

A."

It made me laugh and realize that I can not change him. I have to change me.