Getting all worked up over frozen yogurt

A. and I both love these self-serve frozen yogurt stores which have opened up all over the city. One was located right next door to where I spent a month this summer, very close by to A.'s neighborhood and it quickly became one of our meeting places. A. and I haven't seen one another in almost a week. Today, a window of time opened and we met, halfway between my house and his, for frozen yogurt. We sat across from each other in the empty store, sharing one bowl and sharing a private moment. We were both wearing our wedding rings and I wondered whether people looking at us thought we were married to each other. We were both angled towards one another over the table, holding hands and looking deeply into each other's eyes and so A. answered that there was no way that anyone thought we were a married couple. We were way too into each other to be married. I laughed but thought that that was sad. 

Last night, a strange but all too familiar thing happened to me and I emailed A. about it because I was distraught. Here is what I sent him: 


My husband was in a mood tonight... So I had to ... You know...But baby... I am so messed up over you!Not only did I not enjoy myself.... But I couldn't get you off my mind.... And I couldn't get wet properly... And I wanted you so much... And I was trying to want him.... But it was like my body wanted to be faithful to you :(((((((( I could cry right now... 

I could not believe I was back there after promising myself I would never let that happen again. Six years ago, I was completely consumed in K. to the point where being with my husband was painful to me. I felt guilt and sadness and longing for K which I could not put aside. As A. would say, I was not able to manage my emotions. I felt exactly the same last night. 

A. only got that email this morning and he told me that at the exact same time last night, he was in the midst of writing me an email about how perfect he thinks we are together. He got interrupted midway and accidentally deleted the message but today, over yogurt, he told me what he meant to say last night. He was looking at me, in this intense way that he has, in this way that makes me feel how much he cares, and told me that this affair is exactly what he always wanted. He said that he was never fulfilled with other lovers before me and that he was always looking for more. He said that we were perfect because we wanted exactly the same thing, that our feelings for one another, despite being really intense, were completely mutual. He said that he loved the fact that we can trust each other completely without even thinking twice about it and that we can tell one another everything. He said that he loves that I often tell him that I will do anything he asks or wants sexually and that nothing is ever off the table when it comes to us. He said that he wouldn't change anything about us and that I should not interpret that to mean that he discounts what we have but rather, that we are simply perfect exactly as we are right now. With me, he doesn't want or need to get back on AM and meet others. He said that attempting to replace me would be frustrating and depressing since there is no way that he would find someone who pleases him and fulfills him, emotionally and physically, as much as I have. He said that he would never break up with me and that if I were to break up with him, he is confident that he would be able to convince me to come back to him. 

I feel like I am carrying on two relationships at once, which is exactly what I did not want to do when I set out on my adulterous adventures. I wanted simplicity, sex and excitement but none of the negative feelings associated with a drawn out emotional affair. I had been there before and it broke my heart.

A. asked me today if my feelings last night were making me consider toning things down between us. I looked at him for a moment before I looked down at the table and said that although this was often hard to deal with, although things were sometimes so intense that I had trouble managing everything, I didn't want to miss out on what I was feeling and experiencing with him. I said that I questioned whether I had ever felt this way for someone before and that I was curious to see how things would unfold, how I would feel in the future and how things would fall into place. He asked me if I wanted to cut him from my life. I looked up at him, smiled and said that even if I wanted to, I would never be able to. 

I watched this documentary last nigh and a well-known celebrity was discussing her relationship with her husband and she said this: ''It is every woman's dream...to feel this way about someone''. That is what I feel about A. 

I just always wish that I felt this way in my marriage....

Not in my affair.