Sex with A.

I always thought that sex was overrated. The main reason why I engage in these affairs with men isn't the sex. I like everything that comes before sex. I like the thrill of discovering someone new. I like the flirty and witty banter. I love the sexy emails back and forth and the nervousness that accompanies that first meeting. I love the way people give the best of themselves at the onset of a new relationship. I love that first kiss, the infatuation and the lust. 

The sex is simply a part of the whole experience but not my main focus. I derive pleasure from pleasing, from seducing and from being seduced much more than from sex itself. 

I also have always found sex with strangers to be much hotter than sex in a committed relationship. I always found it difficult to connect during sex and so have always preferred sex to be physical, primal and intense rather than ''making love''. In fact, my husband often complains that we never make love. He says that we fuck but that we don't make love to one another. 

A. has altered everything I have ever known. Yesterday, he told me that when we have sex, he allows himself to feel the extent of his feelings for me. No one has ever made love to me the way that A. does. I truly believe that I have never made love before. I feel so much when he is holding me close and moving inside me. I feel his passion and his desire. I feel loved. After sex yesterday, A. held me close, still inside me and I had to turn my head away because hot tears were burning my eyes. I had never felt this way before. I was completely overwhelmed by my emotions, by him and by his intensity. I softly pushed him off me and whispered that it was too much. 

I sent him this email last night in an attempt to explain to him the depth of what he makes me feel:

"Today was perfect in every way. 

Baby, when you make love to me, it is like nothing that I have ever experienced before... With anyone. It sounds crazy but even with my husband....I don't know how to explain this.... Let me say this, I have had sex before....I have had crazy naughty sex before....I have had, what I thought was intense mind blowing sex before..... But I have never made love with anyone the way you and I make love to each other. Never. Not even close. I didn't think I would ever feel anything close to what I feel when I am with you. I have no words... You saw it today, sometimes I feel so much... It feels like way too much and my heart is beating out of my chest. I love the way that you make me feel. I feel so blessed that I get to feel this way at least once in my life... I would never ever want to go back to not knowing what this feels like. "

I truly would never want to go back to not knowing what this feels like. 

Loving A. is something that I never wanted, never planned, never expected and yet, it is the most beautiful and special thing to happen to me in the longest time.