Love, pain, jealousy

A. and I are not jealous people. He says that he has never been a jealous man and he even goes further and says that he doesn't hold a double standard towards his wife and that if she were to have an affair, he would accept it. A. and I are able to talk openly about our spouses, our marriages and even the sex that we have at home. However, this week, A. has started to feel this twinge of jealousy and is struggling to understand his feelings. When I texted him a series of naughty messages on a night out where my husband and I both got drunk, he replied "ideally you are going to end the night in wild crazy sex, although I am wishing it was with me, is that wrong?". 

A. has been telling me lately that he feels himself falling deeper and deeper in love with me, falling so fast that it is taking him completely by surprise. This realization has placed him on the same roller coaster ride that I have been on since the summer, where one minute I will be elated and on a high from the mindblowing sex and the next, I am in tears attempting to write A. a breakup email because it is so difficult to love him this much and be married to another man. He says that I am his everything and that no one understands him like I do and that this fact alone has the power to become very dangerous for him. 

Yesterday morning, A. took his wife to the doctor's office and they found out that they had lost the baby. He had mentioned to me that she hadn't been feeling well these past few days and he spent thursday evening by her side. We had made plans to spend friday afternoon together but in the morning I called him to ask whether he should be home with her. I was speaking to A. while reversing out of a parking spot and when he nonchalantely told me that we were still on for the afternoon and that she had miscarried, I reversed into the parked car behind me. My heart went out to her, I was sad and shocked but A. seemed fine. He told me not to worry, that he knew from the start that there was a 50% chance of miscarriage and that he didn't even know how he felt about the pregnancy or about what he wanted in general and so he was ok. Although to me, it felt wrong to see A. on a day like that, I thought that perhaps that is what he needed that day. He always says that when we are together, he can feel so much love from me, which in turn, makes him happy and calms him. So despite the fact that I wanted to cancel our afternoon, I didn't. 

As soon as we closed the hotel room door, he softly pushed my back against the wall and kissed me. His hands held my face and then stroked my hair as his tongue found mine. I breathed him in, I love the smell of him which sometimes stays in my hair once we have left each other. We had mindblowing sex, by far the best sex of my life. A. makes me wet like no other man has ever done before and the orgasms that I have with him are the most intense. Everything he does turns me on to no end. With me, he is willing to try anything which arouses me even more. We do things with each other that we have never done with others before.

This chemistry and physical compatibility coupled with the love that we have for eachother often leaves us in a complete emotional mess. Last night, both A. and I got completely drunk. I was at a birthday party and he was home drinking wine and bourbon. We texted and I asked him if he was ok, if he was dealing with the sad news that he had gotten in the morning. He said: "No. This is not about that. This is about you. It's always about you. I am yours baby, all yours".