Valentine's Day

I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day. Other than the occasional dinner out and the ''Happy Valentine's Day baby'' upon waking, it's never been a particularly big or important thing in my life. No Valentine's Day really stands out in my mind....until now. 

A and I had arranged to celebrate with our spouses on the 15th which left the 14th wide open for us to spend time together. We were both giddy and excited all week as we prepared and thought of little gestures for each other. I knew that the day would be special but I had no idea how much thought A would put into making it a day that showed me how much he cared. A picked me up from home a little later than we had planned. When I got in the car, he apologized for being late but said that he had already checked into the hotel room at our usual meeting place. I smiled at him and he was beaming as he drove a little too fast, excited to get there. He opened the door to our room and on the desk sat a dozen white roses. They were beautiful and although he knew that I wouldn't be able to take them home with me, he said he couldn't help himself. The intoxicating sweet smell of roses was subtle throughout the room as he had spread rose petals on the bed, on the floor and on the desk. He had brought a small bottle of champagne knowing that I wouldn't drink more than a few sips and it sat on the desk next to the roses. It was the most romantic scene I had ever been a part of. What made it really special was that A had stuck pink heart shaped post its all around the room. There were some on the walls, stuck to lamps, the bedpost and around the mirror in the bathroom. As I walked through the room, I realized that each one of them had a little note written on it. There must have been fifty heart shaped love notes spread out about the room. Some were heartfelt, some funny and some sexy. As I got closer to the desk to read the ones stuck to the mirror, I noticed a card placed on the side, with my name on it. A came up behind me and said that not only was that card for me, but the one on the bedside table was mine too, and the one on the bed as well as the one in the frame by the bed. He had written me four Valentine's Day cards since he couldn't pick the one that he liked the most. 

As he opened the champagne bottle, I sat on the bed, happy and giddy and started opening the first card. I asked him to come sit by me and open his gift and his card. We read our love notes cuddling and smiling like excited children never letting go of each other. We spent the whole day wrapped around one another, making love and enjoying the sickening romance of the day :)

As I gathered my things to leave, I took down every single sticky note from the walls and kept them with me. They are sitting by me now as I write this post. 

My favorite one says: You have totally changed me and I will be forever grateful. 

Happy Valentine's Day. 

Calm after mild drama

December was both a peculiar and particularily intense month for A and I. My husband went away on a business trip for the first two weeks of december and A and I had made big plans. We had lenghty discussions and plans about how to spend these two weeks. We wanted to maximize our time together and celebrate the holidays in our own private way by having somewhat of a special all-day event. A has been saving this fancy bottle of wine for a special occasion and he had told me in the summer that there was no one he would rather enjoy it than me. He had arranged to have all day to spend with me and part of the night as well which felt extravagant and got me elated for parts of october and all of november. In addition to our private Christmas party, we had planned to see one another almost every single week day, parts of the weekend and to experiment with kinkier (drunk) sex. It felt like a dream and was something we looked forward to for weeks. Then, a day before my husband was traveling, I found out I was pregnant. To say that this news rocked A and I would be an understatement. Our plans had to be completely altered. I was no longer able to drink. Kinky rough sex was now something I was no longer comfortable with. Morning sickness kicked in and I felt my sex drive drifting away more and more each passing day. Our two weeks of pure bliss were replaced with two weeks of me questionning everything and A feeling helpless faced with this sudden change in my mood. During those two weeks, A and I went through a plethora of emotions, we argued, got annoyed with each other, said the wrong things many times, cried and made up. 

As I sit here now writing this, after A and I just spent the day ringing in the new year together (we now have rituals of celebrating things together privately) I feel more confident than ever that A will always be in my life, in a big or small way. We had no special plans for today other than enjoying every minute of being together and wishing each other a happy new year. After we spent the afternoon tangled in one another, at first, in a hot bath, and then, in bed, we sat on my kitchen counter chairs kissing and talking softly. As the sun was setting and the dark set around us, we didn't move for an hour. We told each other how happy and lucky we feel to have this kind of love in our lives. How a love like ours has profoundly altered us as individuals and awakened something in ourselves that we didn't think existed. We spoke of resilience and undying faith in 'us', of a love that is unconditional and deep, unselfish and truly beautiful. We talked about that void that we both used to feel and the trifling things we used to fill it with, empty sex with strangers and manipulative games of seduction that we used to believe were simply part of who we were. We spoke of how jaded we both thought we were and how 'adulterer' was  a label that we thought was simply a part of our personality, how we though absolutely ludicrous and impossible the concept that one person could come to mean and be everything to us. We said silly things lovers say to each other... words and expressions that didn't mean anything to us before but that feel so real and sincere now. 

Our relationship will change and be altered by events occuring in our respective lives, the intensity of it will vary and many things remain unknown. But there is no way that A and I will ever leave each other's lives. This love has changed me and makes me want to be better. A inspires me to be the best version of me, to give myself to him unselfishly, without promises or commitments, simply because surrendering to the feeling of loving him and being loved by him is by far, the most beautiful, breathtaking and stunning experience of my life. 

Happy New Year :)

xox

Holding on to something

A came over yesterday for the afternoon. We had lunch together and talked about our Christmas plans and about how much we would miss each other during the holidays. After lunch, he pulled me up from my chair and brought me to the couch. His body over mine, A kissed me and began unbuttoning my blouse. Usually, his fingers brushing my chest would have me completely wet in an instant but yesterday, everything felt wrong. The smell of A, his scent mixed with his cologne, which I absolutely adore under normal circumstances, made my morning sickness worse and his eagerness to have me, which normally turns me on to no end, left me feeling numb and cold rather than hot and wet. Of course, A being so in tuned with my feelings, could sense the weirdness between us and tried to explain it and rationalize it. He said it was normal that I feel differently while going through something so immensely life changing as having a baby, that my morning sickness leaves me feeling down and that my desire for sex is far behind other concerns for now. 

While those are not untrue, I am also changing in a way that I did not expect and could not have predicted. I feel as though this pregnancy has helped me find my center again. I feel at peace with my life as though everything is happening as it should. I feel closer to my husband and I am happy and thankful every day that we are going through this crazy experience together. I am excited for the future with my husband which is something that I haven't felt in a long time. I also feel very blessed that I get the opportunity to experience being a mother and that leaves me with a feeling of responsibility that makes it difficult to keep doing the things that I used to do. I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my relationship with A at the same intensity. It simply does not work. I feel that my mind and my heart are pulling me in the opposite direction. As much as I don't want to hurt A, I know that he feels it. He told me yesterday that he doesn't hold on to the dream that we will one day be together. He said that he knows that my love for him is real and deep and that I don't wish to cause him any pain but that I must always do whatever is best for myself. 

How will this translate for A and I....I have no idea. Lately, I wonder if we are simply holding on to something that is now missing. Perhaps this is temporary.....I guess we'll see. 

Our first argument

A:

You know, this is the hardest thing I have ever and will ever have to do.

Olivia:

What do you mean?

A:

I mean watching the one woman whom I love, who I am so certain is perfect for me and who I want to be with above all others, take her life in the complete opposite direction. 

Olivia:

We have to remember that this is what we signed up for A. We never told each other that we would leave our houses, that we would build a new life together. We never made any promises other than love one another harder than we had loved anyone else before.

A:

That's true, you're right. This is what we wanted. 

Olivia:

We are not in the same stage in our lives A. I am not ready to leave my husband. I am not ready to change my life. But that doesn't mean that I am happily married. I will always need more. And you've changed me....I will never want the same things again. I will never want empty sex with semi-strangers again. That has no appeal to me now. Not after you. I want you. But this.......you and me.....in this form....is it enough?

A:
I know you are not ready. I knew you weren't ready to leave even before you got pregnant. I would never ask anything from you. Even if this is all there ever is between us, it's more than enough. I just get so fucking scared Olivia. You are going to change....you are already changing. I am so scared to lose you. I am not ready to lose you baby. 

Olivia:
I love you A. I don't know how things will change but can't we just take it one day at a time? I rely on you, I need you to be my rock, I need you to tell me that we'll be ok. Tell me we'll be ok baby.

A:
I am not going anywhere baby. I promise you that. We'll be ok. I will wait for you as long as I have to, as long as you want me to. I love you. I always will. 

Flowers

I have the house all to myself and for the past few days, A and I have been playing house. Despite it being a dangerous game, A and I are making the most out of the time that we have by taking advantage of every single opportunity. Earlier in the week, we met up at my house after work. A has a weekly sports thing that he blew off that evening so that we could have dinner together and spend a few hours wrapped up in each other. I opened the door to greet him and he stood there, in the snow, holding the biggest bouquet of flowers I had ever been given. Once inside, I had to separate the bouquet in three individual vases as A explained that he had always wanted to give me flowers and that now I actually had a few days to hold on to them. 

Our relationship is slowly changing. I feel A's feelings getting more intense and his love for me growing every day. He shows his love in little and big ways. He came over one morning before work because I had mentionned that my car was running low on windshield wiper fluid and had never taken care of it myself before and he showed me how to do it. He comes over with breakfast when I am not feeling well in the morning, he buys me a box of his favorite tea which he swears will replace my morning coffee when I mention that I want to cut caffeine and he buys me a bouquet of exotic flowers because he knows that seeing them on my dining room table will make me smile, morning and night. 

I know that A truly and deeply cares for me because he is still here. 

He is still here, showing me his love in a million little ways, despite finding out a week ago that I am pregnant. 

Sushi and love

My husband being away at the annual office Christmas party gave me plenty of time to play. A scheduled a "dinner meeting" and just like that, we were free to spend an evening together. I picked up the wine and A picked up the sushi. We were both giddy and excited at the thought of having dinner together. Dinner is a meal that we have never had together. We have had breakfast, lunch and snacks but dinner was always elusive and out of reach. As we sat next to each other at the kitchen island, eating, drinking and kissing, A mentionned that I hadn't stopped smiling since he got there. I was so happy simply sitting next to him, our chairs angled towards one another and feeding each other sushi. A commented that it all felt like a real date. And it really did. For starters, we were doing things in order; having dinner and then having sex. As he kissed me, A whispered in my ear: "If I don't woo you during this dinner, I may not get any". I laughed as I kissed him harder. A often tells me, as I am sitting across from him during lunch, that I am a vision. Because we spend so much time in bed, tangled up in each other having sex, we rarely take the time to look at each other the way one does during a date. During dinner, I couldn't stop looking at A. He looked so good with his gray pants, white dress shirt and snug black sweater. I was incredibly attracted to him as I tried to commit the image of him, at that moment, to memory. By the time dinner was finished, I was a little tipsy from the wine and A put his hands under my sweater, pulled me to him and said: "I want you". I kissed him and pressed my body against his. He felt warm and hard against me as we kissed as though we had never kissed before. I pulled my sweater over my head and let it fall on the kitchen floor. A moaned as he took off my bra and threw it in the dining room. He pulled me towards the bedroom as he unzipped my jeans. In no time, I stood completely naked as he remained fully dressed. A pushed me on the bed as he knelt in front of me and started kissing and licking my clit making me even wetter that I already was. I put my hands in his hair as I pulled him into me harder. I was dying to feel him inside me. I pushed him off me and asked him to take me, hard. A undid his belt and pants and in one quick motion, he pushed his hard, throbbing cock inside me. I gasped as I looked at him, still fully dressed, fucking me. He moaned as he fucked me harder and harder. I cried out with every stroke as I felt like I was losing my mind. The sensations were so intense and the feeling of being with A in such an intimate and connected way always heightens everything that I feel. I told him not to stop even as hot tears started burning my eyes. A kissed them away as he contined to fuck me until he exploded inside me.

The ground outside is covered in snow and my summer romance has turned into something.....something I have trouble describing. I know that I am in too deep, I know that this is unsustainable and I know that people will get hurt, probably A and I. Regardless, I feel this need to explore this relationship further. I want to know how things will unfold. Since the fall, I have been telling myself that I need to be with A for one more day. One more day has brought us here, so many days later.

Jealousy, really?

A:
So your husband is going on a business trip with his secret lover ;)
Are you jealous?

Olivia:
I don't know.

A:
Baby, it's ok, it's normal.

Olivia:
I know I shouldn't be. I am by far the worst person in this relationship.

A:
Stop being so judgemental about yourself.

Olivia:
See, it would be different if we could have an honest conversation about what we both need.
It's unrealistic to think that in a lifetime, two people will be only faithful to each other...

A:
I agree.

Olivia:
Anyway, it's fine.

A:
You're anything but fine right now.

Olivia:
Makes me want to ask you to fuck me really hard.

A:
Is that why you asked me to tonight?

Olivia:
No. You know, if he cheats on me, I have carte blanche to leave him. What would you do?

A:
Baby, I would leave.
I would get my own place.
And you'd have your own place.
And we would NOT move in together.
Not at first.
We'd start dating.
Like platonic dating.
We'd start ALL over.
In the right context.