"We've gone through so much"

Three weeks had passed since I spent that perfect morning, wrapped up in A's arms, consumed by his love. He had come over early in the morning and we spent a few hours in bed together. The wild and sweaty sex we had been used to last summer was replaced by passionate sweeter sex over the last few months and although things were definitely different, our desire and lust for one another burned just as intensely as it did before. As A held me close to him and stroked my hair, he whispered how perfect these moments together were and how I was everything that he had ever wanted. He reiterated once again how he would wait for me and be there for me no matter what I needed or wanted in the future.

We kissed goodbye without knowing that just a few hours later, my baby would be born, a little early and definitely unexpectedly.

In the frenzy that followed my perfect morning with A, I still managed to let him know that I was on my way to the hospital. In the hours and days that followed, A showed me unwavering support and unconditional love. He wrote to me every day. His words of encouragement and the love that transpired in them made me smile and warmed my heart as I read them from my hospital bed, in the wee hours of the morning.

Now, three weeks later, we found ourselves wrapped in a perfect embrace once again. Although much had changed, nothing felt different between us. As A kissed me deeply and held me tightly against his strong chest, I felt incredibly lucky to know this kind of unconditional love. As I looked into his eyes and stroked his hair, I said: "I've never felt this way for anyone before. I don't think that I ever will again. This doesn't happen twice".
He held me tighter as I said: "We've been through so much....". To which he responded: "And we can make it through anything". 

As everything is about to change..

Olivia:

"What we have, it's a lot. But it's not enough".

A:

"I know what you mean. I want everything with you. Do you want everything with me"?

Olivia:

"Yes. I want evenings and nights, weekends and holidays. A life and not one made of stolen moments".

A:

"I am so in love with you".

One year later and everything had changed

I have started writing this post numerous times and I keep saving it in my drafts without ever finishing it. Some entries seem to write themselves and others, well, not so much. 

A and I have been "together" for over a year making it my longest affair. For the first time in both of our lifetimes, we are exclusive lovers. There are no others. We are completely open and honest about everything, about our needs, our desires, our hopes for the future and even about our sex lives with our respective spouses. This honesty is sometimes brutal and painful but it is how we have managed to remain sane through my pregnancy. It has allowed us to really evaluate what we are, what we mean to one another, what we want out of our relationship and where we are willing to take that relationship. Truth be told, I have grown so close to A during my pregnancy that it sometimes feels as though we are going through it together. I suppose we are despite him not being the father of my child. He has shown me nothing but unconditional love and unwavering support.

I could easily spend my entire life with my husband and be reasonably happy. My husband is a great man, loyal, honest and hard working and there is a lot of love in our relationship. However, what I have discovered and learned through loving A, is that my husband and I are not and were probably never, in love. By being in love, I don't just mean the passion and the lust which is definitely lacking in my marriage but rather, a deep acceptance of the other for who they really are coupled with a overwhelming sense of need for them to be happy, regardless of your own happiness. The selflessness that comes with unconditional love and acceptance of the other is something that I have never felt for my husband and something that he certainly does not feel for me. In fact, I have spent over a decade hiding parts of my personality in order to fit this idea of what my husband thinks that I should be. Our love and marriage are both, conditional. These conditions have prevented me from being myself. That was always something that I was willing to live with. I have started to question that now with A. Can you really have it all with just one person? 

If I were not expecting a child in less than two months, I would find myself at a crossroads. Do I stay on this path that I have chosen with my husband or do I leap and start over with A. 

For now, I am putting my focus on my marriage in an attempt to provide the most loving and stable environment for a child to be born. My relationship with my husband is stronger and more peaceful than it was before the pregnancy. We are both entering this new phase of our lives with calm and happiness. We help each other, support each other and are generally a great team. 

A is probably the great love of my life. We will probably find a way to be together one day. But that will have to wait because I am about to meet a little boy who might just eclipse all the other men in my life :)

I feel so at home with you

A:

I feel so at home with you.

I've never felt this way with anyone else.

With you there are no issues to work on, no awkwardness, nothing that makes me think twice.

You are so wonderful and you keep surprising me in a million little ways.

It feels so good to receive your love. 

Not just because it is good to be loved.

But because it is coming from YOU.

Because I am so madly in love with you. 

And to get that love back.... Is the best thing in the world.

Olivia:

To be loved by the one person whom you love so much...

Maybe that's what makes us so amazing together. 

"Every woman should be made love to the way that you just made love to me"

A's hands were all over my body as he pumped his cock hard into me from behind. He moaned loudly and said "baby, you feel so fucking good" as his left hand slammed down fast on my ass, sure to leave a small mark. I moved my body lower on the bed, resting my head down and lifting my ass, giving him better access. He grabbed my hair as he continued to fuck me, harder and harder.

He grunted and moaned as he pulled out of me and turned me over on my back. He pulled my legs up on his chest and in one quick thrust, he filled me again. Both his hands playing with my breasts, he thrusts his cock in and out of me so deeply that I couldn't help but moan and scream out. Then, he let go of my legs which I wrapped around his body pulling him closer on top of me. The back of his hand grazing my cheek, he placed his warm mouth on mine. His kiss was slow, his lips embracing mine and his tongue gently toying with my own. His slow kisses gradually became more passionate as his mouth enveloped mine in the most delicious way. He embraced me, his arm around me pulling me into him. My hands in his hair, I kissed him harder as he continued to move in and out of me slowly but firmly. He unlocked his lips from mine and with one hand cupping my face, he said: "I love you so much Olivia, so fucking much". I held his face in my hands, kissing him and whispering "I love you more" against his hot mouth. He made love to me, moving slowly but deliciously inside me as he held me so close. His hands sometimes in my hair, sometimes bringing my face to his, he never stopped kissing me. His intensity was moving and addictive. He wrapped me up in him... Caught up in that moment, nothing existed outside of him, myself and our love. 

As we laid, wrapped up in eachother's arms afterwards, A stroked every curve of my face with his fingers as I told him that every woman should be made love to the way he had just made love to me. 

Weekend withdrawal

Hey baby, 

I should be getting ready for dinner but I miss you so much. 

I kinda feel like lying on the couch under a warm blanket, watching sappy romantic movies and eating ice cream ;)

That's what happens when you are far away from me... Your absence encourages this kind of love-sick withdrawal behavior. 

In everything I do, in all my thoughts and everything I feel.....there's you. 

You might be my favorite person of all time ;)

I saw this quote somewhere and felt like this was exactly what you have done to me. 

"You’ve slipped under my skin, invaded my blood and seized my heart".

Valentine's Day

I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day. Other than the occasional dinner out and the ''Happy Valentine's Day baby'' upon waking, it's never been a particularly big or important thing in my life. No Valentine's Day really stands out in my mind....until now. 

A and I had arranged to celebrate with our spouses on the 15th which left the 14th wide open for us to spend time together. We were both giddy and excited all week as we prepared and thought of little gestures for each other. I knew that the day would be special but I had no idea how much thought A would put into making it a day that showed me how much he cared. A picked me up from home a little later than we had planned. When I got in the car, he apologized for being late but said that he had already checked into the hotel room at our usual meeting place. I smiled at him and he was beaming as he drove a little too fast, excited to get there. He opened the door to our room and on the desk sat a dozen white roses. They were beautiful and although he knew that I wouldn't be able to take them home with me, he said he couldn't help himself. The intoxicating sweet smell of roses was subtle throughout the room as he had spread rose petals on the bed, on the floor and on the desk. He had brought a small bottle of champagne knowing that I wouldn't drink more than a few sips and it sat on the desk next to the roses. It was the most romantic scene I had ever been a part of. What made it really special was that A had stuck pink heart shaped post its all around the room. There were some on the walls, stuck to lamps, the bedpost and around the mirror in the bathroom. As I walked through the room, I realized that each one of them had a little note written on it. There must have been fifty heart shaped love notes spread out about the room. Some were heartfelt, some funny and some sexy. As I got closer to the desk to read the ones stuck to the mirror, I noticed a card placed on the side, with my name on it. A came up behind me and said that not only was that card for me, but the one on the bedside table was mine too, and the one on the bed as well as the one in the frame by the bed. He had written me four Valentine's Day cards since he couldn't pick the one that he liked the most. 

As he opened the champagne bottle, I sat on the bed, happy and giddy and started opening the first card. I asked him to come sit by me and open his gift and his card. We read our love notes cuddling and smiling like excited children never letting go of each other. We spent the whole day wrapped around one another, making love and enjoying the sickening romance of the day :)

As I gathered my things to leave, I took down every single sticky note from the walls and kept them with me. They are sitting by me now as I write this post. 

My favorite one says: You have totally changed me and I will be forever grateful. 

Happy Valentine's Day.