Loving A

It has been a while since I posted. I am sorry about that. The last year has been full of changes and challenges. I had lost the motivation to write. I was lost in my own inner turmoil for a while and then happily lost in the bustle of my life.

Through it all though, one thing has been constant. 

A.

I left this blog in June 2015.

I was a new mom to a wonderful baby boy but I was completely lost. Lost in a marriage that wasn't serving myself or my husband. I was struggling with what I now understand to have been postpartum depression and anxiety. I was just overall completely stuck. 

One night in march 2016, as I was putting my son to sleep, I felt overwhelmed with the desire to tell my husband that I wanted out. I remember being completely terrified but knowing that something had to change. I still don't know where I found the courage but as I sat on the couch and took my husband's hands in mine, I began to tell him that I felt like we needed to separate. 

Thus began a very confusing time in my life where self-doubt and sheer panic became part of my daily reality. I doubted my decision, I felt alone and I questioned whether or not I had the strength to go through with the separation and eventually, the divorce. 

A held me through panic attacks and helped me cope as best as he could. As much as it hurt him to watch me be riddled with doubt, he stuck it out with me and eventually gathered the courage to leave his own marriage. 

And suddenly, there it all was. Everything we had ever dreamed of. 

We were together, together. 

We were free. 

To be our authentic self. 

And to love each other. 

And we loved each other. Passionately. 

I feel the urge to write and document our story because it is ending.

A has been diagnosed with inoperable terminal pancreatic cancer on January 11th 2017.

But don't worry, this story isn't about death. It is about love. 

Overwhelmed and unhappy

Today, A held my face in his hands and told me the only thing that a first time mother needs to hear. He asked me to look at him as he said that I have my shit together. He said "you do it all, you are on top of your shit, you are superwoman" and I swear, that felt like the best compliment anyone could ever give me. 

I was overwhelmed today. I feel overwhelmed most days. Despite the fact that I have, what is considered, an "easy baby". He is happy, he sleeps and he makes everyone around him smile. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and the love that I feel for him is unlike any other feeling I have ever had. But I am still overwhelmed. And I am writing it here instead of talking openly about it because I feel guilty. 

It's not always about sex - sometimes we fight

A:
"What the fuck. You basically pushed me out the door!"

Olivia:
"You wanted to go so I let you go"

A:
"You're pushing me away. Don't you see how destructive that is!?"

Olivia:
"I don't want you to see me at my worst. I'd rather deal with my shit alone.... What do you want from me"?

A:
"When you are having a moment, when you go down this path where you can't get out of it, I want you to grab me, hold on to me and tell me that despite you being in a mood, you still want me there with you, through it".

"Pack a bag" Part I

It was the eve of my 30th birthday and A and I had been planning to head out to dinner in a neighbouring town. A dinner out is something so difficult to arrange that in the two years that A and I have been together, we only managed to make it happen once. Somehow, for my birthday, little details fell into place and A and I were able to plan an evening and an entire day to spend together and celebrate. I spent the day at my mother's with my son and in the afternoon, I get a text from A that says: "Change of venue for dinner tonight, pack a bag". He sends me the address for this incredibly romantic and luxurious downtown hotel where we will have dinner that evening and says that he will wear a suit and tie and that I should dress accordingly. I must have tried on six different outfits, some skirts and silky tops and a few dresses before settling on a light pink romantic dress with classy black heels. I showered and curled my otherwise pin straight hair, pinned it up on one side and made my way downtown. I reached the hotel just before A and we parked right next to eachother on the street. I stepped out of the car, grabbed my overnight bag and walked to A's car. He looked so handsome as he smiled a broad smile and said: "You look so fucking good". He carried my bag inside as we walked by the front desk and headed straight for the elevator. This hotel is located in an old building built in the 1800s. It is by far, the most romantic pace I have ever been in. Inside, the dim lighting is provided by an array of grand chandeliers and bouquets of red roses are on display everywhere you look. As A pressed the elevator button for our floor, he said:"I can't wait to show you everything". On the seventh floor, this beautiful gold key opened the heavy wooded door to our suite which was breathtaking. A grand chandelier lay above the king bed and another one presided over the living room. Soft classical music filled the room as A dropped my bag and kissed my lips. He said: "Isn't this beautiful" and I replied: "Baby, this is too much, I don't feel deserving of all of this". He looked at me and said: "You deserve even more. And you only turn 30 once". I smiled shyly and kissed his lips. He asked me to wait for a few minutes while he selected a table at the restaurant for our dinner. He returned quickly and held my hand as we made our way to dinner. The restaurant was as breathtaking as our room. It was quiet that night with only two other tables that were occupied. We sat at a corner booth, tucked away romantically. We ordered two starters, two main courses and a bottle of wine and we wanted to share everything. I have always had this fear that somehow, during a dinner or any other "normal" activity, A and I would realize that we had nothing in common or that the conversation wouldn't flow easily and that awkwardness would set in. During the entire dinner, literally every single minute of it, I had the most amazing time. That's the thing about being with A. When I am with him, I am present. I am living in the moment. Enjoying every last second of it until we part. I am not worried about anything, I am not thinking of what I need to do when I get back home, I am thinking of nothing else besides this moment. With A, I truly enjoy life. As we sat there, enjoying every last sip of wine and every last bite of this fancy dinner, I truly loved A's company. I laughed a lot. We flirted. We whispered sweet nothings in each other's ear. We had a great time. It was the best date I had ever been on. A settled the bill and we hurriedly headed upstairs to our room anxious to be alone together. A slowly unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor. He undressed and we got under the covers. That night, we made love. It was passionate and hungry, sexy and sweet, intense and tender all at once. As A got dressed and it was time for him to go home, he whispered happy birthday, kissed me and wished me the sweetest of dreams. I slept naked, in our sex sheets, giddy and truly happy. 

King-sized luxury

A:

"Meet me there and pack a bag"

I am lying on a king sized bed in the most beautiful suite I have ever been in, tucked away in the most romantic hotel I have ever visited. A wore a suit and tie and I wore my prettiest and classiest dress while we shared a delicious dinner and laughed for two hours straight. I was giddy and happy, lightly tipsy from the amazing bottle of wine. A wanted to make my birthday special. I am turning thirty tomorrow. And I feel so loved. I need nothing else if I have A. 

We do crazy things when we're in love - Part I

She was beautiful. She took a sip of her wine, looked at us and asked: "Are you in love"? I looked at A as I whispered yes. He was both shy and aroused. I loved the look of him in that particular moment. Seeing him bashful was endearing. She asked if she could kiss me right now, she wanted to taste my lips. She walked to the couch where A and I were sitting and placed her mouth on mine. Her tongue found mine as I pulled her closer to me. Her hungry mouth exploring mine, I felt A move behind me and begin to remove my shirt. I ran my fingers over her soft, silky tanned skin. Her breasts, so much larger than my own, felt heavy in my hands. Her nipples hardened as she kissed me harder. Her fingers traced down my body as she smiled a naughty smile and said: "Your pussy is wet". I turned to A and placed my lips on his. I felt him rock hard against my body and moved to my knees in front of him. She kneeled with me as we kissed each other while running both of our tongues on the tip of A's cock. He moaned loudly as she began running her mouth on the side of his shaft. I took him in my mouth and started moving up and down his cock, lathering him with saliva as she was running her tongue over his balls. She licked her way from his balls all the way to the tip of his cock and took his entire length down her throat. As she let go of his hard cock, I kissed her hard, feeling her tongue dance with mine. She looked up at A and asked: "Should we move to the bed"?

"Do you think we really know eachother"?

My husband was out of town for the week and A and I arranged to spend an afternoon together. He took care of some work in the morning while I dropped my little one off at my mother's and we met up at my place. The day before, we had decided to go visit this sex shop that is located nearby and the thought of being there together excited us both. To be fair, the thought of being out in public anywhere with A is always exciting to me, if only because it is a rare occurence. Before A entered my life, I had never owned a sex toy. When we first began sleeping together, I was unable to orgasm with A. Never a quitter and forever an optimist, A bought me this tiny vibrator which I eventually used to make myself cum for the first time while he was pounding me. Since then, we have acquired a few more toys together but what was missing from our secret collection was a really good vibrator. After a short debate on whether we should take separate cars to get there, I got into the passenger seat of A's car and we drove off. On the way, I asked whether we should walk in separately and he grinned as he answered: "No, we will walk in hand in hand". I laughed, amused and excited. We walked in together, though there was no hand holding and as we strolled through the aisles, I noticed just how much taller he was than me. I mentioned it to him saying that we spend most of our time laying in bed together that I hardly notice how tall he really is. He smiled as we continued to look around at the items on display. The shop keeper was this older woman with a slicked back pony tail and an overly friendly attitude. She asked twice if she could help us and the second time that we had to answer that we wanted to have a look around first, she asked to see my ID. Now this happens to me from time to time. Although I am about to turn 30, I look younger than I really am and always have. I am used to showing ID when I order a drink at a restaurant or when I am buying a bottle of wine. However, this has never happened in front of A. I showed the woman my driver's licence and when I looked at A's face, I saw how surprised he was. Actually, he seemed uncomfortable. And that set the tone for the rest of our shopping experience. We looked through the entire store, laughing and finally selecting what we had initially wanted but I felt him somewhat standoffish. In fact, in public, A is always somewhat colder and more distant. I know part of that is the fact that we are not supposed to be out in public together. But is there a part that is just him? I have no idea how he acts in social situations. 

A is very affectionate and warm when we are alone, in the confines of a hotel room or playing house at my place. His hands gravitate towards my ass as I prepare lunch and his fingers make my nipples harden as we watch television together. I don't remember the last time we were able to sit through an hour-long tv show without pressing the pause button and french kissing all the way to the bedroom. Although I do feel that I know A intimately, the fact that we have hardly ever done anything "normal" together, out in public where there is some form of interaction with others, makes me wonder whether there is this whole other side to him that I know nothing about. What is he like when he is surrounded by a group of friends or at a family BBQ? What would he be like with me if we were at a social event together? 

When we got home, I asked A if he thought we really knew one another. He answered that he felt like he knew me in a very intimate way and that the way my personality shows through with him in this intimate context must translate into every situation. I looked at his beautiful face and pondered whether our relationship was mostly about the sex. I wondered whether the incredible sexual chemistry that we have clouds our judgement on whether or not this relationship would work in "real life". My thoughts were interrupted by the sight of A slowly unbuttoning his crisp white shirt. He pulled me to him, lust in his eyes and said: "Couples want what we have. The chemistry. The sex". I stopped thinking and got lost in him.