Arguing with A

A:

He takes you for GRANTED.
Sleep on that.

"I can't un-feel what I feel"

Olivia:

"This is really hard A. Sometimes I am so unhappy at home".

A:

"I know... Do I make things harder for you?".

Olivia:

"I don't know".

A:

"Do you want to leave because you want to be with me or do you want to leave because you need to leave"?

Olivia:

"I want to leave because I want to be with you".

A: 

"If I wasn't in your life, you would spend your life with him"?

Olivia:

"Yes".

A:

"I'm so sorry".

Olivia:

"Being with you makes it so unbearable for me at home sometimes. Before you, I was happy enough. And now, I can't un-know what I know... I can't un-feel what I have felt. Being with you makes it impossible for me to be happy with him. This whole life that I have.... It no longer feels like enough".

A:

"You've been holding that in for a long time".

Olivia:

"Yes".

A:

"I'm so sorry... We'll get through it together. I'll be whatever you need me to be, I'll do whatever you want me to do".

Sushi and love once again - part II

The sushi that A had selected was delicious and we were smiling and talking happily as we ate and drank. Music played in the background and when the food was over, A pulled me to him, one arm around my waist, his hand in mine and we slow danced in the middle of the kitchen. My body against his, we looked at one another, happy, tipsy and elated to be together in that particular moment. That's the magic of being with A, he allows me to be present in the moment, where everything else fades away and I am exactly where I want to be. These perfect little moments of utter happiness and the consciousness associated with being really present in them, that in itself, is a gift. But I am getting sidetracked here. The slow dancing quickly turned sensual as most things tend to be with A and I. Clothes were shed, leaving a trail from the kitchen to the dining room and finally, to the bedroom,. A's lips were quickly tracing kisses on my lower belly making me wet with desire. When he found my clit and began circling it with his tongue, I was moaning without inhibition. I didn't want to cum yet and I was craving A. I crave giving him pleasure and making him cum in a way that I have never experienced before with any other man. It may be why sex with A is so completely mind blowing and hot. We are both the most turned on while giving the other pleasure. We are both unselfish lovers and for me, taking A's throbbing cock in my mouth and driving him wild with pleasure is the most satisfying and arousing act of all. I pushed A off of me and knelt on the floor in front of him. He moaned as I licked the tip of his hard cock, circling it with my tongue. I looked into A's eyes as I moved my tongue from the base of his cock to the tip without taking him in my mouth. As I went back down again, I ran my lips and tongue over his balls sending shivers down A's back. I know exactly what he likes and that night, I wanted to give it to him. A grabbed a fistful of my hair as he guided his cock in my mouth slowly. As I moved up and down his shaft, I left his cock dripping wet. He screamed with pleasure as I attempted to put all of his hardness down my throat. Feeling the tip of his cock down the back of my throat drove him wild and he began thrusting his cock in and out of my hungry mouth. Feeling him close, I stopped as I wasn't ready for him to orgasm yet. As A laid down on my bed, I got on top of him and emboldened by the wine, I began riding his cock. I moved slowly at first, letting him enjoy the feel of my dripping wet pussy on his cock and balls. As he moaned and threw his head back, I started moving faster, my hips descending hard on his cock making him moan louder and louder. He repeated over and over how good I felt and how I was driving him wild which only served to make me ride him harder. Before he could cum, I moved off of him and took as much of his cock in my mouth as I could. I sucked and licked as he went wild with arousal. Again, not letting him cum, I rode him again and then sucked him and fucked him once more. We were both out of breath as A pulled me off of him. I stood, my hands resting on the bed as A got behind me and began pumping in and out of me from behind. We both screamed and moaned as he fucked me hard, pulling my hair. After such a build up, A exploded and yelled out as he came all over my ass and back.

As we basked in the afterglow, my head nestled between A's shoulder and neck, I said: "I love having sex with you. This is the best sex of my life. You have ruined me for all other men. Forever".
A replied: "I am ruined too baby. No one makes me feel the way that you do. You drive me wild".

And I meant it when I said that I was ruined forever. I can't imagine that something like this can happen twice. That one person can fulfill all of your needs, emotional and sexual. That's the thing about A. Whereas before, I needed multiple men to fulfill different needs, A is simply everything. Just like that Michael Bublé song. He is everything.

And how lucky that he feels the same about me.

Sushi and love once again - part I

My husband was out of town for a few nights, my little one was with my mother and A had the evening free. The last time that I had sushi and wine was with A, last November and just like last time, I picked up the wine and A brought home the sushi. He walked in and placed the boxes on the kitchen counter. He seemed giddy as he showed me what he chose and I pulled him to me for a deep kiss. He abandoned the sushi and wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling me closer as his tongue met mine. My hands in his hair and my breath escaping me, I asked: "Are you hungry? What do you want more, sushi or me"? A beamed as he answered: "You". I kissed him hard as I began undoing the buttons on his shirt. He pulled my sweater over my head and as he traced kisses along the side of my neck down to my shoulder, he undid my bra and let it fall down on the kitchen floor. A wrapped his strong arms around me and sat me on top of the kitchen counter. My legs wrapped around his waist and my hands in his hair, we kissed with the kind of urgency and passion that I have only known with A. He swiftly pulled off my pants, picked me up in his arms and carried me to the bedroom. As he laid me down on the bed, A knelt between my legs and began kissing and licking me driving me wild with desire. As his tongue expertly explored every inch of me, tracing his lips along my legs, kissing my inner thighs and finally, reaching my clit, I moaned with pleasure. As he teased me with his mouth, I begged him to take me. I needed to feel his hardness inside me and his body on top of mine. I had been fantasizing about A fucking me hard and fast all week long. I wanted sex to be sweaty and wild and for A and I to shed all our inhibitions. A and I had spoken numerous times about how we wished to fuck each other's brains out all evening long. As he positioned himself on top of me, he slowly inched his hard cock inside me. I moaned soflty, my mouth on his. He kissed me in a way that no man has ever kissed me before, hard but slow, passionate and sensual, in this way that conveys both his lust and his love. I traced my fingers along his back softly as he moaned quietly against my mouth. He called me his love as he moved inside me firmly but slowly, making love to me in a way that made me melt and forget that I had wanted him to fuck me just a minute before. My heart was beating fast and I was utterly consumed by A. Our bodies moved and seemed to melt together as our moans grew louder. His hands in my hair and my finger tracing his lower lip, I whispered "Please don't stop". The intensity between us grew as the pleasure built. He called me his love once more as he exploded inside me.

As we laid together, our naked bodies sweaty and intertwined, I told A that I had never made love with anyone the way that he and I make love. He traced the curves of my face with his finger, looked at me intently and said: "I want forever with you". 

"We've gone through so much"

Three weeks had passed since I spent that perfect morning, wrapped up in A's arms, consumed by his love. He had come over early in the morning and we spent a few hours in bed together. The wild and sweaty sex we had been used to last summer was replaced by passionate sweeter sex over the last few months and although things were definitely different, our desire and lust for one another burned just as intensely as it did before. As A held me close to him and stroked my hair, he whispered how perfect these moments together were and how I was everything that he had ever wanted. He reiterated once again how he would wait for me and be there for me no matter what I needed or wanted in the future.

We kissed goodbye without knowing that just a few hours later, my baby would be born, a little early and definitely unexpectedly.

In the frenzy that followed my perfect morning with A, I still managed to let him know that I was on my way to the hospital. In the hours and days that followed, A showed me unwavering support and unconditional love. He wrote to me every day. His words of encouragement and the love that transpired in them made me smile and warmed my heart as I read them from my hospital bed, in the wee hours of the morning.

Now, three weeks later, we found ourselves wrapped in a perfect embrace once again. Although much had changed, nothing felt different between us. As A kissed me deeply and held me tightly against his strong chest, I felt incredibly lucky to know this kind of unconditional love. As I looked into his eyes and stroked his hair, I said: "I've never felt this way for anyone before. I don't think that I ever will again. This doesn't happen twice".
He held me tighter as I said: "We've been through so much....". To which he responded: "And we can make it through anything". 

As everything is about to change..

Olivia:

"What we have, it's a lot. But it's not enough".

A:

"I know what you mean. I want everything with you. Do you want everything with me"?

Olivia:

"Yes. I want evenings and nights, weekends and holidays. A life and not one made of stolen moments".

A:

"I am so in love with you".

One year later and everything had changed

I have started writing this post numerous times and I keep saving it in my drafts without ever finishing it. Some entries seem to write themselves and others, well, not so much. 

A and I have been "together" for over a year making it my longest affair. For the first time in both of our lifetimes, we are exclusive lovers. There are no others. We are completely open and honest about everything, about our needs, our desires, our hopes for the future and even about our sex lives with our respective spouses. This honesty is sometimes brutal and painful but it is how we have managed to remain sane through my pregnancy. It has allowed us to really evaluate what we are, what we mean to one another, what we want out of our relationship and where we are willing to take that relationship. Truth be told, I have grown so close to A during my pregnancy that it sometimes feels as though we are going through it together. I suppose we are despite him not being the father of my child. He has shown me nothing but unconditional love and unwavering support.

I could easily spend my entire life with my husband and be reasonably happy. My husband is a great man, loyal, honest and hard working and there is a lot of love in our relationship. However, what I have discovered and learned through loving A, is that my husband and I are not and were probably never, in love. By being in love, I don't just mean the passion and the lust which is definitely lacking in my marriage but rather, a deep acceptance of the other for who they really are coupled with a overwhelming sense of need for them to be happy, regardless of your own happiness. The selflessness that comes with unconditional love and acceptance of the other is something that I have never felt for my husband and something that he certainly does not feel for me. In fact, I have spent over a decade hiding parts of my personality in order to fit this idea of what my husband thinks that I should be. Our love and marriage are both, conditional. These conditions have prevented me from being myself. That was always something that I was willing to live with. I have started to question that now with A. Can you really have it all with just one person? 

If I were not expecting a child in less than two months, I would find myself at a crossroads. Do I stay on this path that I have chosen with my husband or do I leap and start over with A. 

For now, I am putting my focus on my marriage in an attempt to provide the most loving and stable environment for a child to be born. My relationship with my husband is stronger and more peaceful than it was before the pregnancy. We are both entering this new phase of our lives with calm and happiness. We help each other, support each other and are generally a great team. 

A is probably the great love of my life. We will probably find a way to be together one day. But that will have to wait because I am about to meet a little boy who might just eclipse all the other men in my life :)